Married Men Who Secretly Want To Divorce Their Wives Usually Show These 11 Clear Signs First
Their lack of effort is impossible to ignore.
YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV / Shutterstock Every relationship is wildly different. From how they prefer to spend quality time to their communication habits, not every married couple will have the same routine and behaviors. That doesn’t mean one is inherently healthier than the other. However, there are certain things that define healthy relationships in general — like trust, communication, and openness — that are often subtly missing in situations where one or both partners are looking for an out.
Married men who secretly want to divorce their wives usually show several clear signs first that indicate their dissatisfaction. They may not have the communication skills or self-assurance to end things in a healthy way, so they rely on these subtle behaviors to signal their feelings of disconnection and distance themselves from their spouse.
Married men who secretly want to divorce their wives usually show these 11 clear signs first
1. Avoiding arguments
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In toxic and unsupportive relationships, avoiding conflict can sometimes be beneficial, according to a study from the Social Development journal. However, when it’s a mechanism for avoiding vulnerability that prevents other partners from feeling heard and valued, it’s often one of the signs of someone who’s fallen out of love or wants to break up with their partner.
Arguments and conflict can help bolster well-being and long-term health in relationships, as they open up opportunities for couples to practice conflict-resolution and active listening skills. When a partner is avoiding these hard conversations, it not only disconnects them from their partner, it encourages resentment and mistrust to flourish.
Married men who secretly want to divorce their wives usually aren't willing to talk about issues or resolve concerns because they’re not interested in building or growing together anymore.
2. Avoiding physically intimacy
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Married men who secretly want to divorce their wives usually become less connected physically and less interested in affection with their partner on a deep level.
When partners feel less emotionally secure and supported in their relationships, they’re much less inclined to share physical intimacy, affection, and physical touch. So, even though men tend to have more physical desire in their relationships than their wives, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, when other parts of their relationship falter, they may step back.
3. Not spending quality time together
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According to psychologist Mark Travers, quality time in a relationship looks different for every couple, but at its core, it’s about being present with your partner. Whether it’s relaxing at home after a long day or going on a planned date, couples who regularly spend time together and engage in quality conversation and affection tend to have higher rates of relationship satisfaction.
However, when this quality time is sacrificed by one or both partners for other things, it can spark resentment and disconnection, like experts from The Gottman Institute suggest. Especially when it’s unbalanced and one partner is actively avoiding quality time and vulnerable conversations with the other, it can lead to mistrust, unmet needs, and resentment that are hard to come back from.
4. No longer talking about the future
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While avoiding conversations about the future and plans in a marriage could be a side effect of chronic stress or surface-level disconnection between partners, it could also be a sign that one partner doesn’t see a future with their spouse at all. According to a study published in the Family Relations journal, marriages and healthy long-term relationships require work to evolve.
Longevity isn’t the sole indicator of satisfaction, health, and happiness between partners. Without talking about the future or having hard conversations, couples can fall into a stagnant routine where they’re only sweeping things under the rug and letting resentment fester. But married men who secretly want to divorce their wives usually aren't interested in talking about the future because they’re not invested in growing together.
5. Only having superficial conversations
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Men need emotional intimacy and connection in their marriages just as much as their spouses, which is why superficiality can be one of the signs of a man who secretly wants to divorce their partner. Especially if they’ve been known to have the capacity for vulnerability and openness in the past, but there’s been a shift in their emotional labor and the balance in your relationship, that could be a red flag.
According to psychotherapist F. Diane Barth, expressing emotions and concerns, even in uncomfortable conversations, is essential to a happy and healthy relationship. When there’s little intimacy and a loss of romantic love, it’s not just one partner’s wellbeing that suffers.
Deep conversations are how married partners grow, bond, and evolve, according to a study from the American Psychological Association, so when they’re swapped for small talk and superficial connections, it’s a clear sign that someone isn’t invested.
6. Latching onto little things
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While little things can be positive for relationships, like small acts of kindness and passing moments of physical connection, they can also spark resentment when they’re viewed from a negative perspective. For example, a man who constantly sparks petty arguments or picks apart their partner’s behaviors may secretly be tired of putting real effort and vulnerability into their marriage.
They may even constantly play the victim to justify their poor behavior and to craft an exit from their marriage without needing to take on too much accountability. Men who secretly want to divorce their wives usually show these signs first, avoiding harder, vulnerable, and meaningful conversations and instead hyperfocusing on the little things and petty arguments that further separate them from each other.
7. No longer listening
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Active listening is often the key to making partners feel heard and supported in a marriage, as a study published in PLOS One argues. But when one partner stops putting effort into listening, asking questions, and engaging in hard conversations, it could be a red flag.
Whether it’s something as subtle as forgetting a basic request from their partner or more severe instances of misunderstandings and dishonesty, partners who stop listening drive themselves away. They may not even care enough to overlook their own needs for the sake of supporting their partner, sparking resentment and disconnection that’s hard to come back from without basic communication skills.
8. Always being on their phone
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According to a Utah State University study, the more technology usage and phone time a couple has, the more disconnected they end up being. Of course, screen time itself sparks anxiety, depression, and isolation, but the distraction of phones from communication or affection also decreases satisfaction in a relationship.
While it may be the cause for disconnection in an unhealthy relationship, it can also be one of the clear signs of a married man who secretly wants to divorce his wife. He may use his phone as an excuse for avoiding quality time together or even separate himself from hard conversations with the distraction of technology.
9. Spending more time alone
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Spending time alone when you’re in a relationship is an important thing to do in order to show up as your best self for your partner. However, spending more and more time alone as a way to escape into solitude can be a red flag. Men who prioritize their friendships or alone time over their partner’s basic needs are often less interested in putting true effort into their marriage.
Yes, alone time is healthy for relationships. Still, when it’s unbalanced and one partner feels more alone than the other, it can spark resentment and encourage toxic behaviors like attention-seeking and dishonesty.
10. Being hyper-critical
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According to relationship coach Dr. Jessica Higgins, hyper-critical behavior from an unhappy partner can manifest in a variety of ways in a relationship, from nitpicking to belittling or even overcorrecting a partner in a public setting. Oftentimes, a hyper-critical partner is fueled by stress, resentment, or internal turmoil, but married men who secretly want to divorce their wives may also show these clear signs first.
Doing this encourages their partner to believe that no matter what they do or say, they’ll never be enough.
11. Cheating
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Even though there’s potential for emotional and physical intimacy in their marriage, men who secretly want a divorce from their wives will look for it in other places. Infidelity and cheating aren’t just breaches of trust and loyalty. They’re also justifications for leaving a relationship.
Suppose one partner doesn’t have the communication skills or vulnerability to express their concerns, talk about their feelings, or walk away from a relationship in a healthy way. In that case, they break things off in extreme ways, like cheating on their partner.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
