The Art Of Emotional Chemistry: 15 Little Things That Make A Man Want To Be Your Hero
Triggering a man’s hero instinct is the best way of getting him to commit to you.
Circle Creative Studio | Canva The hero instinct is a form of relationship psychology introduced in the book His Secret Obsession by James Bauer. The idea is that men have a primitive drive to feel needed by women. The book warns that if a man does not believe he is needed by his woman, he can feel emasculated and devalued. That, of course, can be disastrous for a relationship.
If a man does not feel essential, it is hard for him to emotionally bond. Without activating his hero instinct, he will lose interest in the relationship quickly. This explains why research showed women who are educated, earn enough money to take care of themselves, and are successful marry less. When men don’t feel needed financially, they may be intimidated by women who have it all.
Here are 15 little things that make a man want to be your hero:
1. Ask for help when you need it
It doesn’t matter how big or small the task is. Asking your man for help will boost his confidence and show that you appreciate him. A man cannot activate the hero instinct on his own. He needs a woman’s involvement to make him feel he is a necessary addition to the relationship.
2. Let him protect you
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Men are hardwired to protect those they love. They have a biological drive to look after you. If he sticks up for you or accompanies you late at night, let him. It’s easy for a man to fall in love with a woman he feels protective of.
3. Praise him
Men and women like to be appreciated. When you have something nice about him on your mind, share it with him. A great way to trigger a man’s hero instinct is to make him feel good. Triggering the hero instinct can be as easy as texting.
As a matter of fact, a 12-word text that has been known to work miracles in boosting his ego is, “I love you. I need you. Thank you for being my hero.” You want to express your feelings, but not too much to lose his attention. Bauer deemed it the optimal text length to get results. Several other 12-word phrases can be used as well.
4. Show gratitude
Showing that you are thankful for the little things that your mate does in everyday life will also trigger the hero instinct. Show gratitude for the things he does for you and express how much they mean to you.
5. Speak life into him
Support is so important when it comes to bringing out the hero instinct in your man. Offer help or advice and celebrate his wins with him. Be encouraging in times of challenge so he knows you believe in him.
6. Give him your undivided attention
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The world is full of distractions. Many of those can negatively trigger a man. But bolstering the hero instinct in men requires that you pay attention to their words and body language to let them know that what he is saying is important.
Marriage and family therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom advised, "Actively engage when your partner shares their needs, whether it's something as simple as what they want you to do around the house, or as complex as their dreams for the future. Maintain eye contact as well as other gestures that show you are paying close attention."
7. Respect him
It’s okay to have disagreements, but putting down someone’s point of view and being inconsiderate of their feelings is detrimental to the relationship. Let him express himself honestly and openly.
The Blooms added, "To have a great relationship, there needs to be a high level of respect on the part of both partners. Couples who are less intentional and accomplished in this area will find that their lack of respect holds their partnership down to a lower level of well-being."
8. Tell him what your needs are
You man is not able to read your mind. You may expect him to proactively know exactly what you need, but that is not realistic. Be transparent and forthcoming with your needs so you are both on the same page.
9. Share your happiness with him
People are quick to share their dislikes, but it is rare for them to express their feelings in times of happiness. Tell your man when he does something that makes you feel good. It will trigger his hero instinct and prompt him to do more of what you like.
10. Learn his love language
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Everyone loves and wants to be loved differently. Understanding your partner’s love language is key to accessing their hero instinct. Whether it’s gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service, do things that lift his spirits. Research supported that partners who perceived their partner used their preferred love language well had greater relationship satisfaction.
11. Let him be a man
Sure, you may be able to open that jar on your own or change a flat tire, but if he offers to do it for you, accept the assistance. He wants to be your hero, and you want him to be. It’s a win-win.
12. Ask for his input
What better way is there to show a man you value his input than to ask his opinion? Doing so can make you more collaborative as a couple and increase his participation in future decisions.
Life coach Ann Papyoti explained, "The foundation of a healthy relationship is communication. Agreeing on frequency, duration, being responsive and engaged, and the rules of engagement, such as a promise to always speak with respect, and never threatening — even if the subject is disagreeable — to avoid creating insecurities and unnecessary misunderstandings."
13. Be vulnerable
Femininity is strongly attached to the ability to be vulnerable. Putting aside the need to be strong at all times and leaning on him gives him the chance to act as a hero for you.
Confidence coach Lisa Petsinis elaborated, "You cannot control anyone's reaction or the outcome. Vulnerability isn't about manipulation or fulfilling your own neediness. It's giving yourself without expectation and then letting go. This is the time to let the universe do its thing."
14. Allow him to be vulnerable
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The hero instinct is not all about extreme masculinity. It’s also about having a soft place to land where he can be nurtured, healed, and come back ready to save the world again. Be his place of peace.
Cultural commentator Ossiana Tepfenhart said, "Most men wish they could show their feelings and have it be socially acceptable. Unfortunately, they're taught to be emotionally stolid from a young age, and that doesn't bode well for opening up. So, many are ashamed to show how they feel, even though it's normal to feel that way."
15. Drop the neediness
There’s a difference between letting him be your hero and just being needy. The desire to be saved by your man has to be tempered with your own independence.
He should want to help you because it makes him feel good, not because you can’t survive without him. Pick the right opportunities to let him shine.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
