Men Who Were Coddled By Their Moms Growing Up Often Have 11 Issues That Ruin Relationships
Zarubina Viktoriia | Shutterstock Some moms coddle their sons too much and for too long, creating entitlement issues that ruin their future relationships. See, a child's relationship with their primary caregiver directly informs their behavior in romantic relationships as adults and having a mom who is overly clingy or worshipful can stunt a man in pretty big ways.
1. They need constant reassurance
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom will often seek constant reassurance in a relationship. After a lifetime of being told he's great by his parents, he isn't sure what to do without that sort of assurance. At some point, he starts feeling entitled to it.
While offering a partner emotional validation is an essential part of a healthy relationship, there is a difference between how one would reassure a preschooler and how they should treat an adult.
In a dissertation for Brigham Young University, Amber A. Price explains that people with an “externalized self-perception” (they define themselves and how they're doing based on others' feedback) struggle to feel grounded in their individual identities, which in turn, weakens their ability to develop emotional intimacy.
Price notes that validation seeking behavior in relationships needs to come from “a place of comfort” as opposed to “trying to extract validation from the other through an externalized self-perception.”
While this may seem sweet when first meeting a man, it turns his partner into a mother figure. And you know what's not attractive? A partner who treats you like his mother. It's also not an equitable relationship, as the caretaking parent can't be truly autonomous like a typical adult, and will likely grow resentful of this man.
2. They struggle making decisions
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Men who were coddled by their mothers often have a hard time making their own decisions in the context of adult relationships. That's because his mom likely made important decisions for him, so he was never expected to develop any sense of self-efficacy or agency.
By coddling him, his mom imposed a learned helplessness upon him, a trait he doesn’t try to overcome. Worse, it's likely he'll try to pawn his decisions off on a partner, which can create an unhealthy balance of control and power.
After all, his partner may make selfish decisions that aren't in the coddled man's best interests. He may lose his autonomy and stay stuck in this child-like mode until he's either so frustrated and resentful he blows up or he'll slowly become disempowered by the decision-maker and become a weak, watered-down version of himself.
3. They don't help around the house
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If you know a man who does almost know domestic work around the house, it's highly likely he was babied by is mother. Not only would she do all of this for him, she didn't teach him to notice when something needed to be done.
While moms like this think they're doing their sons a favor, research from Harvard University and the University of Minnesota shows that kids who do chores become happier, more successful adults. Helping out around the house teaches empathy and a dedicated work ethic.
Not only does this make a man a mess when he's single, it makes it harder for him to find a wife who is truly his equal, one he can respect. After all, women today no longer tolerate being the sole caretaker of the home and children.
According to the Gender Equity Policy Institute, women spend twice as much time on childcare and household work as men do, and it’s not just moms who experience this imbalance. Married women without any kids spend 2.4 times as much time doing housework than men. And today's women just won't stand for it.
Somehow, this problem doesn't really abate if she starts earning money for the household. Shockingly, trends reflect that women who are the sole breadwinners in a married home somehow still manage to do more household work. With that in mind, it's no wonder these helpless, coddled men often struggle to find real partners.
4. They expect to be babied by their partners
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Men who were overly babied by their moms often expect to be babied by their partners once they're married. He might not be entirely conscious of this dynamic, but he relies on his partner to meet his needs the way his mother did, and most of the time this will ruin a relationship.
As life coach Mitzi Bockmann explains, “Mommy issues creep up in our adulthood and stem from what the mother-child dynamic looked like. If your mother abandoned, abused, or neglected you, your mommy issues will present differently than someone whose mother was overly protective or covered up their every mistake.”
While there’s always some amount of give and take in any relationship, a healthy partnership functions by being as balanced as possible. A man who was overly coddled by his mom might be a nice man who respects women, but it's likely he also has a deep level of unquestioned entitlement because he was never asked to care for himself, since his mom did everything for him.
5. They avoid conflict at all costs
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom often cannot handle conflict. This may be because his mom intimidated him out of speaking up for himself or dominated conversations. But it could also be because his mom made sure he never had to deal with hard times, clearing obstacles out of his path so he'd never have to feel uncomfortable.
This may have felt like good parenting to his mom, but this seriously limited his future relationships. Therapist Margot Brown explains that some amount of conflict is normal and healthy in relationships, but it all depends on how a couple handle having an argument.
“Relationships that last require at least some amount of compromise, some serious sacrifice, and not always seeing eye-to-eye along the way,” she shares. “Striking the right balance can be confusing when you're not sure how to determine what counts as a healthy vs. unhealthy amount of conflict.”
Conflict itself doesn’t mean that a relationship is doomed. Not being able to handle conflict individually or as a unit is a sign that there’s still emotional work left to be done. And that's yet another reason a mother giving her son entitlement issues can ruin his relationships.
6. They struggle to manage their emotions
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Few things are sadder than a man who doesn't know how to handle his own emotions. He's easily thrown off, gets angry at the flip of a switch and retreats without warning when he feels sad or rejected. He just can't ground himself.
These unhealthy reactions started as a child because his mom focused more on his happiness than showing him how to be emotionally resilient. She smoothed over his mistakes and tended to his every need, so he never learned to manage disappointment or discomfort. As a result, he grew into an adult who relies on his partner to feel grounded.
Learning to emotionally ground yourself first means accepting that you feel anxious, sad, or angry without trying to push those emotions away. The Berkeley Well-Being Institute defines grounding techniques as “coping strategies that reconnect you to the present, a self-regulation mechanism for times of stress and anxiety.”
If a man whose mom coddled him doesn't decide to learn some emotional intelligence, he will end up harming adult relationships over and over again.
7. They're annoyingly clingy
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Guys who were coddled as children are often easily threatened by a partner’s independence. He struggles when they ask for space or spend time on their own and may get possessive when his partner makes plans that don’t include him.
He’s so accustomed to getting everything he wants, he struggles when his partner sets boundaries around their time together. He cannot believe he's not entitled to their time.
While it might seem counterintuitive, spending time apart can strengthen a relationship. According to a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, being alone by choice leads to reduced stress levels and helps people relax and self-regulate. Tending to your own mental health allows you to show up in a more present way for your partner, which makes your relationship that much better.
A man who cannot let his partner be independent will eventually drive them away unless he starts working on these lingering childhood issues. Sad, but true.
8. They overreact to constructive feedback
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Too many people interpret critiques like a personal attack. Sometimes it's because the criticism was leveled in an unkind or harsh way. Other times it's because he was coddled and overprotected as a kid.
He’s so used to being praised and having his feelings protected by his mom that he never learned how to handle constructive feedback on how he’s acting.
When you bring up an issue that’s been bothering you, he may respond by immediately getting defensive. He might insult you or bring up your shortcomings to deflect from what you’re saying. His ego is fairly fragile, which is why he responds in such an aggressive way when his flaws are pointed out.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, narcissistic people have a higher tendency toward aggressive behavior when they feel offended or insulted. Being aggressive toward the person critiquing them is how they react to a perceived ego threat.
“People who are preoccupied with validating a grandiose self-image apparently find criticism highly upsetting and lash out against the source of it,” the study’s authors explained.
Instead of seeing his partner’s complaints as a valid topic of conversation, a man who was overly coddled by his mom sees those complaints as an indication that their partner is insulting them or being unfair. His mom believed he was perfect, which makes him think he’s perfect, and therefore, untouchable.
9. They're passive aggressive
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A man who was overly coddled by his mom will act out in a passive aggressive way when he’s unhappy in his relationship, instead of directly expressing how he feels. He doesn’t have the emotional tool kit he needs to process his discontent, so it builds up, leading to intense resentment.
When his partner asks what’s wrong, he’ll respond with a passive aggressive statement that allows him to sidestep an actual conversation, like saying “It’s fine” or “Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”
As Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford points out, passive aggressive people pretend nothing is wrong, yet they’ll reveal their true feelings in indirect ways.
”They often appear to be going with the flow — they may even insist that nothing is wrong — but will procrastinate, sulk, or give off other subtle signs that they're secretly resentful,” she explains.
Dr. Bates-Duford reveals that the first step to curbing passive aggressive behavior is to work on your sense of self-awareness. By recognizing your emotions, you put them out in the open, which creates space to talk about what’s wrong.
“Tell the people in your life how you feel, whether good or bad,” she advises. “This will stop you from bottling it all up and harboring resentment. If they care about you, they’ll listen to what you have to say without judgment.”
10. They don't take initiative
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If a man was overprotected, controlled or coddled by his mom, he probably won't be great at taking initiative. This is mostly because he never learned how to do things according to his own volition. Everything started with his mom, stunting his personal growth. He never had to work on himself, because his mom took care of everything for him. His low level of emotional intelligence means he doesn’t know himself deeply enough to know what he wants, making him a passive participant in his relationship.
He’s so used to taking the backseat in his own life that he relegates every decision in his relationship to his partner.
He might propose, but he won’t help plan the wedding. He has no opinion on flower arrangements or the invitation list or even his own outfit. The expectation that his partner handles every major life moment puts the weight of the relationship on their shoulders, which isn’t a fair approach to building a life together.
11. They prioritize mom over wife no matter what
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This might be the list item that upsets people the most, but a man who was coddled by his mom will prioritize his mom's happiness over his partner’s pretty much every time.
Initially it might seem promising that he’s so dedicated to his mom. After all, it shows that he respects and cares for women. But as time passes, it becomes clear that his mom will always come first, which inevitably does damage to the connection he has with the person he’s supposed to share his life with.
As life coach Mitzi Bockmann explains, “There's a difference between being ‘good to his mother’ and someone who always puts his mother’s needs above his own.”
“If this guy is willing to put his mother’s needs above his own, how likely is it, do you think, that he will change a lifetime of priorities and put your needs first?” she asks.
When a man puts his mother over his partner, he will eventually ruin their romantic relationships.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
