If A Man Has True Emotional Intelligence, He'll Almost Never Say These 11 Things
Krakenimages | Shutterstock Expressing how you feel is a key part of making any relationship work, yet being emotionally vulnerable isn't always easy for men. If a man has true emotional intelligence, there are a few things he'll almost never say. Unfortunately, they are quite common.
According to the APA, emotional intelligence is made up of a few specific abilities, including regulating your emotions. Unfortunately, boys and men are often discouraged from practicing these skills, leading to what experts call a "crisis of connection". So if you're going to fall in love with a man, it's good to know what to watch out for.
If a man has true emotional intelligence, he'll almost never say these 11 things
1. 'You have no reason to feel that way'
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It can be hard to hold space for difficult emotions, especially when those emotions are coming from someone you love. Yet a man with true emotional intelligence understands that all emotions are valid, and that telling someone to feel differently denies them agency and dismisses their reality.
According to Marc Brackett from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, our emotions are tied to our lived experiences. "Emotions influence the choices we make, but it happens outside our consciousness. Emotion systems can bias how we see the world," he explained.
An emotionally intelligent man would never say, "You shouldn't feel that way" or "you have no reason to feel like that". Even if he doesn't understand how his partner feels or he disagrees with their reaction, he recognizes that everyone has a right to their own emotions.
2. 'You're overreacting'
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The phrase "You're overreacting" is designed to cut people down and force them into silence. If a man has true emotional intelligence, he'll almost never say this. He doesn't want to disregard how his partner feels, choosing to validate their emotions instead.
Psychologist Nick Wignall reveals that emotionally intelligent people do their best to avoid criticizing others. He describes criticism as an "unconscious defense mechanism aimed at alleviating our insecurities," adding, "Helpful criticism is about making the world better. Unhelpful criticism is about making yourself feel better."
Wignall acknowledges that being critical is a common human instinct that everyone does sometimes, but making a habit of criticizing others is unproductive and hurtful.
An emotionally intelligent man would never say, "You're overreacting" because they're not judgmental about other people's feelings, or their own.
3. 'I don't need help'
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A man who has true emotional intelligence knows that asking for help doesn't indicate weakness. Asking for help shows that he has a high level of self-awareness and understands that relying on others for support is an essential part of making a relationship work. As mindfulness coach Moira Hutchison explains, "giving and receiving help can enrich your life."
It might seem counterintuitive, but asking for help actually enriches relationships, rather than detracting from them. All relationships are based on a balance of giving and taking, and an emotionally intelligent man knows that asking for help can bring him closer to his partner and foster a stronger sense of intimacy between them.
4. 'Why can't you just be cool?'
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One of the least emotionally intelligent things a man can do is expect the women in his life to be "cool" about everything. Real life women are never cool with everything, that's just not something human beings are capable of doing.
Worse, the man who wants his partner to always be cool doesn't mind reinforcing oppressive stereotypes about women: she should be passive, she should always put her man first, she should focus on pleasing her man and she should put up with bad treatment instead of risking being uncool.
A man with true emotional intelligence understands that emotions are complicated, and can't be switched on or off based on someone else's expectations. He also knows that women are dynamic, multi-faceted and capable of so much more than simply being cool to please her man.
5. 'I don't have time to listen to this'
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A phrase you will almost never hear a man with true emotional intelligence man say is, "I don't have time to listen to this." Telling someone you don't have time to hear how they feel essentially tells them that they're not important enough to listen to.
While everyone has a right to set boundaries around their time and energy, there are plenty of men who can't tolerate an emotional conversation, so they conveniently come up with something they have to do.
An emotionally intelligent man doesn't push people away when they want to talk about emotional issues; instead, he welcomes the discussion, even if it's difficult. Validating emotions is an indication that someone has higher emotional intelligence than the average person. Identifying a feeling is the first part to understanding it, which lays the groundwork for accepting it, and then, moving on from it.
6. 'Calm down'
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Using the phrase "calm down" is a fairly toxic way of talking to someone, especially someone you're supposed to care about. It dismisses people's right to own their emotions and makes them feel small and insignificant. It also doesn't work.
"The problem with the phrase is that it often puts people on the defensive—insinuating that their reactions are the problem," explains Dr. Andrea Bonoir. "Another problem with the command is that it gives no road map for putting anything into action."
If a man has true emotional intelligence he will likely never say, "calm down." He might suggest taking deep breaths to emotionally regulate yourself or ask to have some time alone to process what's going on, but those are asks that honor the presence of someone's emotions, as opposed to denying them.
7. 'I'm not responsible for your feelings'
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While this one can be tricky, if emotionally intelligent men are not likely to say "I'm not responsible for your feelings" on a regular basis. A man with emotional intelligence knows how to be accountable for his own feelings and understands that he can't control anyone else's emotions but his own.
A study on emotional intelligence published in the journal Behavioral Science explained that having emotional intelligence means "You acknowledge, accept, and control your emotions and emotional reactions as well as those of other people. You learn about yourself and move on to the understanding of other people's self. You learn to coexist better."
"Emotional Intelligence provides you with a better inner world to cope with the outside world," the authors concluded.
There are situations in which a man with true emotional intelligence might say this phrase. For example, if he is trying to stop enabling a person's self-destructive enmeshment. In that case, he would use this phrase kindly rather than as a way to avoid responsibility.
8. 'You always do this'
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This phrase is a highly critical thing to say, and it focuses on past grievances in a judgmental way. Giving gentle and generous feedback on someone's behavior is part of being in a relationship, but making a rigid declaration like, "You always do this," isn't feedback, so much as an expression of deep contempt.
An emotionally intelligent man understands that a person is more than their mistakes. Even better, he understands that there is no need to exaggerate, as it is inaccurate and unkind. He knows that the best way to inspire someone to change their patterns of behavior is to have a calm conversation, instead of accusing them of any sort of absolute.
9. 'You've changed since we first met'
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The problem with saying, "You've changed since we first met" is it implies that he wants to go back to how things were before you actually built a life together, before he truly knew the person he loves. He wants to go back to when things were easy.
Of course, there's no way to do that, and to wish for it is juvenile. The honeymoon phase is a well-documented time in the earliest stages of a relationship when, as Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe:
"The cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that your body produces including oxytocin and phenyleteylamine, a natural form of amphetamine result in a natural high. The elevated levels of dopamine can cause a feeling of euphoria along with poor judgement and impulse control issues."
The problem, they assert, is that it creates a sort of false baseline for the relationship and sets unrealistic expectations for the future. Men who have true emotional intelligence know better than to wish for a time that was always going to be a sweet-but-fleeting time.
10. 'All men would cheat given the chance'
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If you meet a man who insists that all men would cheat if they could get away with it, you should believe him. No, it's not true about all men, but it's probably true about him.
See, men who have true emotional intelligence know that infidelity is a choice. They also know that cheating changes people and relationships, even if you never get caught. Secrets are bad for relationships, they erode the foundation of the life you build together.
An emotionally intelligent man knows that momentary distraction or pleasure aren't worth undermining a good relationship. They also know that, even when a relationship isn't good, it's important to do the work to make it better or end it before any cheating happens, so there can be a clean break in the relationship with no betrayal to leave an even deeper wound.
Remember, people will tell you who they are. It's up to you to listen and believe them.
11. 'I can't believe you're so upset'
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The phrase "I can't believe you're so upset" is one an emotionally intelligent man won't say. Having high emotional intelligence means he can hold space for other people's feelings without telling them they shouldn't experience the full range of their emotions. Denying someone their feelings is a sign of low emotional intelligence, one that's often rooted in not having empathy.
An emotionally intelligent man doesn't shame people. He understands that people process emotions at a different pace. Pushing away uncomfortable feelings just makes them surge back up at some other point in time, which is why an emotionally intelligent man doesn't expect people to suppress how they feel.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
