If Your Husband Says These 11 Reactions, His Heart’s Not In It Anymore
What your husband says may give you insight into how he is really feeling.
Zazz33 / Shutterstock When your husband starts feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions toward the marriage, they may say several things as a way to cope with these emotions and defend themselves. Their heart is likely not in the marriage anymore, but they may fear what would come if they were open to you about the way they feel.
These reactions may make you feel overlooked, emotionally invalidated, and misunderstood, but it is important to remember that they are usually a projection of their internal feelings, rather than an attempt to hurt you. It is best for you to try to create a safe environment for yourself and your husband so that open and healthy communication can occur.
If your husband says these 11 reactions, his heart’s not in it anymore
1. 'Do whatever you want, I don't care'
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If your husband is constantly telling you to do whatever you want because he doesn’t care, his heart may not be fully in the marriage anymore. Of course, the tone in which he makes this statement is crucial as well. If he says it in a passive-aggressive manner, it could be a sign that he is disconnecting from the relationship.
He may feel emotionally detached from you, and by trying to express his lack of care, he is hoping for his true emotions to be understood without having to actually express them to you.
“If you've noticed your husband has shifted toward being more private and less open with you than he has been in the past, that might be a sign that something is off,” explains Kelly Gonsalves, a multi-certified relationship coach. This is a sign that his feelings have changed.
2. 'That's your problem, not mine'
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When a husband’s heart is no longer in the relationship anymore, he may start telling you that things are your problem and not his. This shows a shift in responsibility within the marriage, and it signals that he no longer views what the two of you have as a partnership.
When he feels emotionally checked out of the relationship, he is likely to stop putting in as much effort as he once did. He may not be as eager to help you solve problems and struggles that you personally face because he feels too overwhelmed by his own feelings. If he has always put so much effort into you, but feels as though his efforts were never reciprocated, he may feel emotionally burnt out.
3. 'You don't understand'
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If your husband's heart is no longer invested in the marriage, he may constantly tell you that you don’t understand him or certain situations he is going through. This may be because he is feeling emotionally disconnected from the relationship or is more concerned with his own feelings than your feelings.
When he no longer even feels like he has the energy to explain things to you, it's a sign that the connection is facing challenges.
“You no longer connect on an emotional level with your spouse, and you don’t feel as close as you used to be. The sense of a chasm opening up between the partners compounds feelings of being misunderstood,” mentions Naomi Light, a qualified psychotherapist.
4. 'It's not a big deal, stop overreacting'
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When your husband's heart is no longer in the marriage, he may tell you that things are no big deal and you need to stop overreacting. Instead of trying to understand your feelings, he will say this as a form of emotional invalidation.
“Invalidation can be overt, such as telling someone they are overreacting, or subtle, such as failing to acknowledge their emotions altogether. It often occurs in small, seemingly insignificant moments that accumulate, creating deep emotional wounds. At its core, invalidation makes a person feel as though their emotions and perspectives do not matter,” explains psychotherapist Moshe Ratson.
5. 'We're just different people now'
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If your husband’s heart is not in the relationship anymore, he may commonly tell you that the two of you are just different people now. This could be due to his feelings of being emotionally disconnected, but wanting to blame this shift in the relationship on both of you instead of just him.
If the marriage is struggling, he will want it to seem like a struggle that is due to differences you both face with one another, rather than solely due to his change in feelings. If he feels overwhelmed by his current emotional state, he may use this as his way of coping and trying to process and understand his feelings.
6. 'I don't have the energy for this'
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When your husband feels emotionally exhausted, his heart will likely start to become less and less into the marriage. When his heart is no longer in it, he may say to you that he no longer has the energy for maintaining the marriage.
If the marriage is constantly absorbed by conflict and he never feels heard, he may say something like this as a way to protect himself from further emotional pain. As a way to deal with his overwhelming feelings, he will avoid conflict or conversations that may be difficult by saying he does not have enough energy for them.
7. 'I'm not your keeper'
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If your husband's heart is no longer in it, he will likely tell you that he is not your keeper. When he says this to you, he is trying to say that he no longer wants to be held responsible for your happiness or emotional well-being. If he is dealing with a lot of his own emotions within the relationship, he may not feel capable of also trying to manage yours, so it may lead to him emotionally abandoning you.
“Emotional abandonment happens when you feel like your feelings are ignored or simply aren't important to someone who should care about them,” according to TheHopeLine, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping students and young adults in crisis by providing sound advice and connection.
8. 'We are not doing this right now'
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Your husband may tell you that the two of you will not be doing something right now if his heart is no longer in the marriage. This could be his way of avoiding his emotions and dealing with what is actually happening within the relationship.
This leaves unresolved issues to consume the marriage, and it never gives the two of you an opportunity to overcome these emotional challenges. If these things can never be worked through, it will be hard for the marriage to thrive as much as it potentially could.
9. 'Just leave me alone'
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When a husband’s heart is no longer in the relationship, he may commonly tell you to leave him alone. If he is feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions, he may begin needing space to cope with these newfound, stressful feelings.
If he does not feel as invested in the marriage as he once did, he will start feeling emotionally disconnected from you. Although he realizes he needs to cope and process his feelings by expressing them to you, he may rather withdraw and tell you to leave him alone.
10. 'You're being too sensitive'
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If your husband tells you that you are being too sensitive, it may be his way of deflecting blame and trying to avoid taking accountability for the emotional disconnect within the marriage. This is usually something he may start doing if his heart is no longer in the marriage.
This starts to make healthy and open conversation within the relationship suffer, which can have a very negative impact on the overall connection you and he share.
Victoria Scala explains that, “The #1 thing that destroys marriages is not always dramatic as it is often something that quietly erodes the bond over time: a breakdown in communication. When couples stop truly talking and listening to each other, small misunderstandings turn into major resentments.”
11. 'You should have known that'
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A husband whose heart is no longer in the marriage will often tell you that you should have just known certain things. This could be his way of defending himself because he has an inability to communicate the deep and overwhelming emotions he is feeling.
He may feel resentment toward you due to this inability, which can be very frustrating to him. This may cause him to be easily angered when you do not know things that he thinks you should already be aware of. While not all husbands who have lost interest in their marriage will react by saying these things, many will if they are struggling to process and manage these newfound feelings.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
