Women Whose Husbands Blame Them For Everything Often Over-Compensate In These 11 Sad Ways
Husbands can make their wives' self-confidence dip by blaming them for everything.
Anatoliy Karlyuk / Shutterstock When a couple enters a marriage, they rarely imagine that things may not go smoothly. But when two people have been together for a long time, difficulties pop up. Arguments and other differences can slowly damage a relationship, and it's how they navigate these issues that make or break a couple.
When a husband begins to place all of the blame on his wife, her self-confidence may start to deteriorate, causing her to over-compensate in sad ways she believes will make things better. Constantly feeling like she has to apologize and go out of her way to please her spouse makes her everyday life difficult. “Having the urge to put others’ needs first isn’t inherently bad. People-pleasing is a great tool for certain situations, like job interviews and hosting dinner parties. But it’s absolutely the wrong tool for intimate conversations or solving complex group problems,” says Myron Nelson, LCPC.
Women whose husbands blame them for everything often over-compensate in these 11 sad ways
1. They work hard to please him
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When women are constantly blamed by their husbands, they feel they have to work overtime to please them. They want their happy relationship back. They believe the only way they can achieve that is by over-compensating. While it may please her husband in the short term, constantly trying to please him can make things worse.
She will begin to feel like she is not enough. Wives who are constantly blamed for everything by their husbands want to be accepted. When she’s constantly trying to please him, she will work herself to the bone to make him happy. She will lose her sense of herself and put everything into him.
2. They are always apologizing
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Husbands who always place the blame on their wives make them feel guilty every day. They want them to constantly apologize for their actions. In an attempt to please him, she will always say sorry, even if she feels like she wasn’t to blame.
“What drives over-apologizing? Women in my generation were raised to feel guilty if we were anything less than an emotional service station to others. We may be quick to feel responsible for everything. As comedian and writer Amy Poehler puts it, ‘It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for,’” notes Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. “I've been investigating the subject of apologies for over a decade, and it's clear that over-apologizing can be about many things. It may be a reflection of low self-esteem, a diminished sense of entitlement, an unconscious wish to avoid any possibility of criticism or disapproval before it even occurs, an excessive wish to placate and please, some underlying river of shame, or a desire to show off what a well-mannered Brownie Scout one is.”
3. They suppress their feelings
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A husband who constantly blames his wife for everything doesn’t give her the space to share her feelings. Instead, he is always talking about himself. Even the smallest things can trigger his over-the-top blaming technique. As a response, his wife will suppress her feelings to keep the peace.
It’s not worth it to her to start an argument. She knows it will be a futile argument. He is so set in his ways that nothing she says can sway him. She’s not allowed to share her concerns because her husband takes up all the space. Keeping her feelings to herself seems like the only option.
4. They shoulder the blame
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Society has taught women to quietly accept the blame. A wife whose husbands blame them for everything overcompensates by taking the blame and not making it an issue. Her husband expects her to do this, and she will keep the peace. She will start to believe she really is to blame for all the problems in their marriage.
“When trouble arises and our instinct is to blame our partner, that makes them unable to trust us. It also makes it impossible to have a productive conversation about an issue, because we aren't operating from a purely rational or factual place,” says Ariane Resnick, CNC. “This may make your partner hesitant to ever bring up problems with you, because they know they'll be blamed for your own actions. In turn, that can lead to resentment, and ultimately, the failing of a relationship.”
5. They become hyper-vigilant
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Wives who are constantly blamed for everything by their husbands begin to overcompensate by becoming hyper-vigilant. They are continually on edge, worried that they will trigger their partner’s outbursts. Being blamed for everything bad in her husband’s life will make her anxious. She will try to escape the feeling by trying to protect herself before anything bad happens.
Hypervigilance can impact her mental health. “If you have feelings of hypervigilance, you may change your behavior because of how you're feeling. It may be hard to focus or talk to others, and you want to stay away from large, noisy events,” says WebMD. “Hypervigilance can also cause you to feel suspicious of people in your life. It can even reach a state of paranoia. Hypervigilance can lead you to catastrophize, or believe that the worst possible thing is about to happen.”
6. They boost his confidence at the expense of their own
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When someone is constantly being blamed for everything that plagues their husband, they will begin to lose confidence. They will overcompensate to remedy the issues by making themselves as small as possible. She will stop putting effort into her appearance. She may begin to believe she really is the root of the issues. She will stop feeling good about who she is.
Husbands can be great at lifting their spouses' self-esteem, but they can also be a significant force working against it. Husbands who place all the blame for everything wrong in their lives on their wives cause irreversible damage to their confidence. So much of her identity is tied up in being a wife that when she feels she’s failing at it, she struggles.
7. They start isolating themselves
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Picture this: a husband is constantly blaming his wife for his unhappiness. Maybe he has convinced himself that she is having an affair. Even if she is not, she will still shoulder the blame and change her behavior accordingly. She will stop hanging out with her friends because she fears that he will find a way to accuse her of something if she leaves the house.
Another way a wife may overcompensate for her husband’s blame is by keeping to herself. She won’t open up to her friends and family about the issues they are having. She has come to believe that she is the problem. She will be embarrassed and choose to isolate herself from others.
8. They take on a mothering role with their partner
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A wife whose husband is constantly blaming her for his issues will do anything in her power to please him. One way she may do so is by taking on a nurturing role. She will begin to ‘mother’ her husband as an attempt to make him feel better. She believes she has to prove herself by going above and beyond for him.
“Females tend to become the mothers to their spouses because many men don’t know how to express their emotions. Essentially, childhood teaches men that it is not okay to cry. Many times, boys are told to be tough and not cry. On the other hand, girls and females are given nurturing and gentleness, boys are not given. So, marriage counseling can be the place to learn to open up,” says Katie Ziskind, LMFT, for Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching. “Often times, children learn that fathers are associated with yelling and anger. Unfortunately, men think they can only express anger as an emotion. As well, children learn that men associated with play and fun. On the other hand, women are associated with parenting and teaching responsibilities.”
9. They put their own needs on the back burner
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Wives who are constantly dealing with their husbands placing the blame on them will stop caring about their own issues. Feeling like they are always the problem, they will begin to ignore their own feelings. She will stop putting herself first. She will feel like she needs to provide constant support for her husband to get him to stop blaming her for everything.
If she loves having spare time to read at night, she will stop doing so to please her husband. If she feels hurt by something he does, she will keep it to herself to keep the peace. She is more interested in making sure her husband is happy than she is in her own needs. She will ignore her own happiness.
10. They feel like they have to justify themselves
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Justifying themselves will feel natural to a woman who is constantly shouldering the blame from her husband. She will start explaining all of her actions. Since she knows he will become angry with her over the smallest thing, she will constantly be trying to explain her actions. She feels like she needs to reassure him that she is not intentionally doing anything wrong.
“For some, justification will be replaced by overwhelm in trying to work out what’s happened to their once cozy life. Overwhelm usually comes with emotional spillage. It can feel like you’re watching a boiling stew on the stove spatter any possibility of rich gravy, leaving instead toughened meat so lacking in tenderness it’s unpalatable,” says the School of Modern Psychology. “Couples caught in this dilemma have much soul-searching to do. And that only happens after bruised egos stop being judgmental and brimming with justification.”
11. They try to be perfect
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A woman will over-compensate tragically when her husband always places the blame on her. She will try to convince herself that she has to be perfect to impress him. She won’t allow herself to fall short. She will be too hard on herself, making her struggle to find confidence. She thinks that by being perfect, she can remove the blame he places on her.
“Perfectionism literally rewires the brain’s alarm system. West’s (2023) research shows how early experiences that made us feel unsafe or not good enough leave our internal threat detector (technically called the amygdala) stuck in hyperdrive. That’s what happens in your brain when perfectionism takes over — every small mistake or criticism feels like a five-alarm fire,” says Annie Wright, LMFT. “I’ve started calling it the “achievement treadmill” in my practice because that’s exactly what it feels like — you’re running faster and faster, but you never actually get anywhere. Each accomplishment gives you maybe five minutes of relief before your brain starts screaming, ‘What’s next? Better not mess this up!’”
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
