11 Phrases That Instantly Reveal You Were Raised In A Controlling Household, According To Psychology
Your parents were overbearing and now, as an adult, you're suffering greatly.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Growing up in a controlling household can have a profound and lasting impact on how a person interacts with others. These toxic environments are filled with rigid rules and unrealistic expectations for perfection. Parents often discourage independence and autonomy in favor of obedience — not to protect their child from harm, but to have power over them.
Over the years these children lose their ability to separate themselves from their parents, both physically and emotionally. They may frequently use phrases that instantly reveal you were raised in a controlling household, as they are now plagued with issues that only changed behavior and therapy can fix. Identifying these patterns can help them find healthier methods of expressing themselves and making decisions.
Here are 11 phrases that instantly reveal you were raised in a controlling household, according to psychology
1. 'I don't want to cause any trouble'
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If you find yourself using this phrase, it might be worth exploring where this comes from. Think about your childhood and try to remember a time where you were made to think less of yourself all because you gave your opinion.
If it was easier for you to stay quiet to avoid making trouble for other people, chances are you grew up in a controlling and hostile environment. This could have severe ramifications for you if you don't address it as an adult.
People who consider themselves a burden will ultimately struggle with their self-esteem and their ability to maintain friends. According to a study published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence, young people who experience high levels of control from their parents are more likely to struggle with balancing autonomy and closeness in relationships, with both peers and romantic partners.
These difficulties persist into early adulthood and affect a person's ability to form interpersonal connections. So, don't let the things you went through in the past define your future because you'll risk losing the people closest to you.
2. 'Let me check before I decide'
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Growing up, if you wanted something, you needed permission from a parental authority in order to get it. Now, as an adult, you second-guess every decision you make, saying things like "Let me check" or "I need to ask before I decide," both of which are phrases that instantly reveal you were raised in a controlling household.
Going to another person for advice makes you doubt yourself and can make you seem indecisive to others. The crux of these issues tend to be a result of controlling parenting in children who suffer from anxiety or depression in adulthood.
As board-certified psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carrie Barron pointed out, depression and anxiety can lead to indecision as a person becomes overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong choice or even facing potential negative outcomes. When you fear making a choice, you can ruin your chances of taking opportunities that are good for you.
Barron also noted that this stems from having self-doubt due to past experiences. If you had a parent who was critical of you and made you feel like you were a failure, you are more prone to seeking approval from others.
3. 'I'm sorry, I know it's my fault'
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Taking responsibility for something that wasn't even your fault or beyond your control as a way to keep the peace was a form of psychological abuse. As a result, you now internalize the belief that your worth is tied to keeping others happy rather than yourself.
As professor of human behavior Melody Wilding put it, over-apologizing stems from a deep-seated need for approval and a fear of conflict. People who do this are conditioned to placate others to maintain harmony.
Having a home life that was riddled with constant criticism or unpredictable mood swings where blame was shifted from one person to another causes people to grow up trying to avoid conflict at all costs. Apologizing right away is their default because it always solved their issues in the past.
But only by standing up for yourself and setting boundaries with others can help you overcome this. Letting go of the people-pleasing behaviors is the first step towards healing. Recognize this phrase for what it is, which is a relic from a controlling environment that you are no longer in.
4. 'It's fine, really'
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For someone to say they are fine when you know they should show some type of emotion is a sign they grew up in a home where they had to suppress themselves. Shrinking themselves down was the only way that they could find peace in a home that had a lot of conflicting viewpoints and big personalities.
When they were young, their parents made them believe that their feelings were inconvenient to have. As adults, this causes them to suppress their emotions as well. And, according to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who suppress their emotions may experience lower social support and satisfaction. This suppression is often learned in controlling environments where a parent invalidated their feelings growing up.
Breaking away from these patterns requires you to recalibrate your thought processes and the way you communicate. It's not easy to unlearn everything you were taught, especially when it was under a home life that constantly silenced you.
5. 'I just want everyone to be happy'
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Growing up in a turbulent household where you never knew what mood people were going to be in forced you to quickly learn to regulate everyone else's emotions. You learned to put others first because that was the only way to peace and stability.
As an adult, you continue on with that people-pleasing behavior, affecting your relationships with others in a negative way. As psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD explained, this behavior leads people to alter their personal lives to align with others even at the expense of their self-identity and their own emotional regulation.
Trying to make others happy will lead to nothing but stress and emotional exhaustion. Wanting others to be happy is a natural part of the human experience, but when it becomes a compulsive habit, it can seem excessive.
6. 'I didn't know I could say no'
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Controlling parents make decisions for their children when they are young, but there are some parents who take it to extremes. They want their children to do everything they said at the drop of a hat, which later causes them to say "yes," even if they didn't really want to do those things.
According to clinical and forensic psychologist Ahona Guha, every commitment made by saying "yes" comes with a cost like loss of time, energy, or resources that could have been allocated elsewhere. These people suddenly feel obligated to do what is asked of them because during their childhood they felt that same pressure to do the things their parents wanted them to do.
If you were one of these people, the easiest way to get around this fear is to work on your self-esteem and self-worth. You have to combat what your parents taught you and learn new ways to help uplift yourself. Realize that it's okay to make choices that serve you rather than others.
7. 'I need to be perfect'
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By telling yourself you need to be perfect, it's actually one of the phrases that instantly reveal you were raised in a controlling household. Growing up, perfection was expected in order to get any sort of love or emotional feedback.
When people feel the need to be perfectionists as adults, it's a clear sign their childhood was riddled with criticism about every aspect of their life. This could have been their academic achievements or even their choices in hobbies.
They learned quickly to adapt and shape themselves into the mold that their parents wanted them to be. According to the International Journal of Cognitive Therapy, self-criticism is thought to develop when people internalize harsh parental expectations, which leads to feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. The belief is that you will never measure up to their expectations and force yourself to agree with their opinions of you.
The best way to fix this as an adult is to start setting boundaries with people. Let them know that there are certain things they should not say about you. Setting boundaries with family members over their criticisms of you can be hard, but it can also be worth it.
8. 'I don't know what I want'
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Not knowing where you want to go or who you want to be may seem normal, but it's actually a response to an overcontrolled upbringing. People feel stuck in their lives not knowing what to do. They may struggle to make choices for themselves and have an internal fear of the unknown.
People assume controlling households rarely see signs of neglect due to the control aspect of it all, but there are forms of emotional neglect. A study published by JAMA Pediatrics found that the effects of childhood neglect can alter brain function that impact areas focused on emotional regulation and decision-making. This can lead to people having difficulties in knowing what their desires are and seeing where the direction of their life is going.
Validating your own experiences with this can be the first stepping stone in your healing journey. Once you realize you can, then you can make small steps to regain yourself and figure out what you really want out of life.
9. 'I hate making decisions'
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Controlling parents never give you the choice to make your own decisions. While this could be because they want a sense of power or control over you, it could also be due to a lack of trust in you.
Due to their inability to include you in making important decisions, as an adult you have to learn them through trial and error, often using phrases like this as a result of their overbearing nature. This could have all been avoided had they taught you the lessons that would have better prepared you for making decisions in the future.
According to a study published in Cognitive Neuropsychiatry, childhood trauma can make people try to avoid losses or bad outcomes more and struggle with decision-making as adults. If you grew up in an environment where everything was contained and choices were made for you, the fear of actually having to make a choice would make you hate decisions.
10. 'I'm used to keeping things to myself'
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When a child is raised with controlling parents, they find it hard to trust others due to being manipulated. Overbearing parents also limit their children's opportunities to interact with their peers independently. This can cause them to develop terrible social skills, and they end up justifying their actions by saying they keep things to themselves, which becomes one of the phrases that instantly reveal you were raised in a controlling household.
According to a study published in the Annual Review of Psychology, children raised by overly controlling parents develop socially withdrawn behaviors that increase social anxiety and isolation into adulthood. Self-isolation can make you even worse but it's understandable when you already keep to yourself.
There are different things that you can do to help cope with childhood trauma like journaling or speaking to people you are close to. Journaling is therapeutic and speaking to a professional can help begin to uncover patterns in your behavior that may stem from your childhood experiences.
11. 'That's just how I was raised'
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Being under surveillance your entire life is not an easy thing to get over. It can take years of therapy and coping mechanisms to try to feel normal when you don't even know what normal feels like. You go from a parent monitoring your life, messages, and time alone to suddenly being thrown out into the world to navigate it yourself.
The worst part about all of this is that when you get the chance to confront your parents about the way they treated you, you're gaslit or guilt-tripped into believing their treatment was okay. A study from Frontiers in Psychology found that maternal psychological control, such as guilt or invalidation, of their children's feelings negatively impacted their child's emotional regulation and social competence.
For many, this is just how they were raised. All they can do at this point is unpack all of the baggage their parents left behind and hope that with a little work, someday they can feel better about themselves.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
