If You Couldn't Trust Your Parents Growing Up, You Probably Deal With 9 Major Problems In Relationships Now
Smilewalli / Shutterstock I grew up in a home where seeing my dad drink every night was the norm. His behavior meant he often didn't show up when I needed him, and he would frequently lie to prevent people from trying to make him change.
Being unable to believe my father left me with a deep sense of mistrust. I became cautious of anything an adult said because I believed they were probably lying. I was eager to move out and away from him, but even when I did, I realized that lack of trust stayed with me. It crept into my relationships and caused significant issues with my partners.
Leaving home can feel like a way to escape a lack of trust stemming from childhood experiences, but it's not that simple. Those memories can be hard to leave behind. Growing up knowing you couldn't trust your parents can carry over into your relationships as an adult, just like it did for me.
If you couldn't trust your parents growing up, you probably deal with 9 major problems in relationships now
1. Not trusting even a trustworthy partner
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My father was prone to guilt-tripping and trying to manipulate situations to create a given outcome. It wasn't malicious, but it left me riddled with mistrust of others' words.
People raised by parents who withheld information or actively lied to them learn to be wary of what someone tells them. They might believe their partner is secretly hiding something or not being honest. This can create problems in relationships if the person raised by dishonest parents repeatedly questions their partner about things. They might not trust their partner even when they are telling the truth.
It can make that person's partner feel drained by the constant need to prove themselves. It can also feel hurtful because it can seem like their partner doesn't trust them.
2. Reading into subtext
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Even when a child of an untrustworthy adult believes what you are saying, they might look for a deeper meaning behind your words.
In my experience, parents can become passive-aggressive when they are questioned about their trustworthiness. Parents who were passive-aggressive cause their children to be on alert for the subtext behind a statement.
These children can grow up to question if there is a double meaning to others' words. They might believe their partner is secretly upset with them and that they need to decipher the subtext behind a partner's words to stay attuned to their partner's emotional wellness.
While being aware of your partner's emotions can be beneficial in a relationship, reading too much into their words can also create problems when none exist. A child raised in that environment might interpret a casual comment as proof that their partner is dissatisfied. If you're looking for an issue, you'll probably find one.
This can make a partner feel they need to give you constant reassurance. It can also make them overthink the way they speak, so they don't upset you. When a partner feels this way, it puts unnecessary pressure on them and can create the dissatisfaction that a child of an untrustworthy person was worried about.
3. Poor communication
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When dealing with an untrustworthy parent, children often learn to rely on themselves. They learn to fulfill their own needs when they aren't being met by their parental figures.
This is good because relying on yourself can foster a sense of personal trust. However, it isn't always as great for relationships. A partner should listen to your needs in the relationship so they can make sure those needs are being met. That way, you can feel satisfied with them as a partner.
Even if you are accustomed to being on your own, communicating your needs is important to create a gratifying relationship. It also takes some of the weight off of you. Let someone else help you with your needs rather than fulfilling them all by yourself.
4. Avoiding conflict
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If you see your parent as untrustworthy, it most likely means a lot had to happen between you and your parent for you to believe this.
In an article on "The Science of Parent-Child Relationships," Dr. Jonathan Baylin describes the behavior of a mistrustful child as "a complicated dance of approach and avoidance becomes the child’s template for relating to others and surviving.". Parent-Child conflicts tend to result in the parent winning the argument. This results in the child feeling afraid to engage in conflict for fear of not being heard.
If you try to tend to push down frustrations with your partner instead of talking them through, you are probably avoiding conflict. However, conflict is part of any relationship, and not learning to express frustration can lead your partner to keep making the same mistakes that annoy you.
5. Engaging in constant conflict
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On the flip side, people with parents they couldn't trust might engage in conflict even more. Children with dishonest parents might assume every problem within their relationship will result in the same conflict they experienced when they were younger. Their response to this could be to start the fight first to gain control. You might feel this if you feel squashed by your parents during arguments.
This can cause a child raised in that kind of household to feel the need to project their opinions loudly during conflict to improve their chances of winning. They subconsciously revert to fighting with their parents. These people might feel a greater need to prove they are right before their partner can tell them they are wrong.
This can make your partner feel scrutinized. They might end up feeling invalidated, just as you might have with your parent. Learning how to handle conflict civilly can lead to better conflict resolution because it turns a fight into a more productive discussion. When someone feels heard, they are often more likely to listen to you as well and to what's been bothering you.
6. Repeated negative patterns
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Parents' behavior tends to have a major influence on their child's behavior. Before you formulate your own ideas, your parents are one of the top examples you have of how to go through life.
This can result in children raised in dishonest households repeating the same mistakes their parents made. These children have learned from their parents to be dishonest and manipulative in close relationships. This might make you an untrustworthy partner.
Being a dishonest partner creates tension in a relationship because it makes the other partner feel unable to trust you. In order to prevent repeating the mistakes of your parents, try to identify the habits they exhibited that caused your mistrust.
If you see these behaviors showing up in your own relationships, you are probably repeating the way your parents acted when you were a child.
7. Fear of abandonment
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Children might not trust their parents because they feel abandoned by them. Whether your parent was around or not, growing up with a parent you can't trust can feel isolating and lonely. This can cause a child to struggle to learn how to have relationships with anyone.
Feeling abandoned by a parent can cultivate a fear of abandonment by others as well. That deep-seated anxiety might make you afraid that someone will inflict the same hurt you experienced when you felt abandoned by your parents. This might lead you to run away from a partner to prevent yourself from feeling that pain again.
Try not to jump to the conclusion that this hurt is inevitable. Let your partner show that they will continue to show up and that they are not leaving.
8. Intimacy Issues
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Sometimes it can feel like you have been on your own for so long that you don't really know how to share your life anymore. You have gotten used to going through it all by yourself.
Intimacy issues can show up in relationships when one partner struggles to open up to the other. This can hurt a partner who wants to connect with you. They might feel isolated within the relationship because you are resisting connecting with them on a deep level.
In most relationships, you end up spending a good amount of time with your partner. If you are unaccustomed to sharing your life with someone, you may get annoyed with what feels like an invasion of your routine. Don't blame yourself for this. It's probably the way you learned to cope with the parent or parents you couldn't trust. However, having someone ingrained in your life can make you feel seen and less alone in the world.
9. Codependency
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Sometimes, you can't trust a parent because they can't take care of themselves. If a parent is unable to help themselves, they might rely on their child to take care of them. Their child can get thrown into the role of caretaker. In these cases, a parent and child fall into a codependent relationship.
Especially when a parent is neglectful, it can feel validating to know they rely on you. It can feel like evidence that they need you. If you translate this into your relationships, you might try to become essential to your partner's life to feel secure that they won't leave you. This can be amplified if you also have a fear of abandonment.
Still, you shouldn't be providing everything for your partner. Relationships are a give and take. Remember that reliance and love are not the same thing.
Lily Bell is a college student studying English and Publications who covers relationships, mental health, and personal narratives surrounding the human experience.
