6 Realistic Ways To Trust Men Again After Your Heart Has Been Completely Shattered
Nikolay Hristov | Unsplash People do some terrible things to each other, but this doesn't change the fact that you probably want someone to love. This is how I realized I had vastly underestimated men and not given them any respect at all. I never had a strong example of the trusting love I wanted. I only had a completely shattered heart.
Yet, to get something, one must first realize it exists. If you don’t believe trustworthy men are out there and attainable, why would you continue to look for them? If I wanted to find love, I would have to completely remodel my perspective.
If you are harboring negative attitudes about what men want and who they are, this is likely causing you problems in creating a healthy relationship with someone who deeply loves you. So, it helps to drop the story that you are somehow sleeping with the enemy and begin appreciating men.
Here are 6 realistic ways to trust men again after your heart has been completely shattered:
1. Set aside your ideas of how you think men act
Watch what they do. Notice the numerous acts of kindness that many men complete every day, just within your view. Start noticing. Start appreciating. You will draw more of these experiences to you.
A while back, I went to a concert alone. A drunk man came up to me and started touching me, first on the arm, then he draped his arm around my shoulders. I said "no," sternly and strongly. Before I had to do anything else, another man who was there with his girlfriend noticed, stopped what he was doing, and went out of his way to distract the drunk man with no conflict or weirdness.
This total stranger stepped in without my prompting or requesting help in any way. The drunk man was sufficiently distracted and went away. I thanked the man, and he went about enjoying his evening with his girlfriend.
Later that night, when the shuttle driver took me back to the parking lot, the driver took me directly to my car (he dropped everyone else at a shuttle stand first), then he waited until I was inside, and the engine started to make sure everything was okay. He didn't have to do this, but I sure appreciated it.
I could have focused on the drunk, handsy guy and his part of the evening, but instead, I felt protected and honored by total strangers. When you focus on the positive experiences around you, more will come into view. Often, we don’t give men enough credit for their positive contributions. Research has explained how any behavior that is not reinforced goes extinct. Do we want men’s kindness to go extinct? I certainly don’t. That’s why a strong dose of appreciation is in order.
2. Avoid generalizing your bad experiences
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It is critical that when you have a bad experience with a man, like abuse, cheating, or an awful relationship, you don’t begin making generalizations about men as a group. This can be particularly difficult if you had a bad childhood or a shaky relationship with your father.
Psychologist Jennifer Otto, LPC, explained, "When traumatic relationship cycles and patterns from the past are unconsciously repeated in the present, it can increase emotional distress, contribute to physical symptoms, put additional strain on the relationship, lead to unhealthy coping behaviors, and sometimes cause re-victimization of the survivor."
This one has the most implications for your future. You must place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the man who cheated or abused you. Just because you had a bad experience with one (or dozens or hundreds) does not mean that all are to blame. If you need to heal, I support you, but do the work to get to the point where you aren't bitter. It will make your future relationships a world of good.
3. Stop dehumanizing men
Men are not a nameless, faceless group. Men and women are complicated creatures who cannot and should not be reduced to stereotypes. When you rail against men as a group, you’re saying to the world, "Nope, I don’t want to be with one of these people." This does not make it easy to attract one and fall in love.
Psychologist Noam Shpancer, Ph.D., elaborated, "The stereotype that men are more violent than women is accurate, but it doesn't imply that the man you’re with is violent, or that most men you’ll meet are. People who say that grapes are sweet don’t mean to say that all grapes everywhere are always sweet, and they may not know the whole range of grape flavor distribution. In other words, the stereotype is true, even if it is neither the whole truth nor nothing but."
4. Begin appreciating masculinity
Aside from things like really listening and trying to understand the ones you already know, reading about men and what makes them tick is particularly helpful.
"Let him be your hero," recommended dating coach Michelle Jacoby. "I know you’re independent and extremely capable, but let him help you. If he offers to pick you up before your date, say yes. If he wants to carry your bag or open your door, tell him you really appreciate it. Men love to do things for you, so let him feel like your hero."
5. Cultivate better relationships with the men in your life
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Get to know the men already around you in a more personal way. Find reasons to enjoy their company and talk to them. Listen to what they have to say about the world.
Cultural commentator Ossiana Tepfenhart explained the importance of consistency: "If you take a look at certain people, they’re social chameleons. If you sit them in a church, they become conservative churchgoers. If you sit them in a rave, they’re going to be party animals. Their opinions change based on who’s around them, and not in a good way. A trustworthy man is a man who stays the same person, has the same opinion, and keeps the same stances on people regardless of who’s around him."
6. Learn to communicate in a way that doesn't ruin your relationships
We often trip up when we treat men like they are on an opposing team, and they should already know what we want. I don’t know anyone who is an accurate mind reader.
Change management expert Sylvia Lafair, Ph.D., advised, "If you want successful communication, you need to work on asking yourself if you want to be respected, appreciated, loved, or challenged. This is where most of the hard work of communication goes on, internally. You need to check your ego. If you need to be right all the time, you will lose. If you need to be loved all the time, you will lose. The hardest part of powerful communication is saying what you mean and then doing what you say without the fanfare of being told how great you are."
If you are unhappy, try to practice having rational discussions without blame or positioning yourself as a victim. If you need further inspiration to find ways to trust men again, here's how one man cared for his wife of 60 years.
One of the most significant events of my life was a few years ago when I listened to a distant relative in his 80s talk about taking care of his wife of 60 years. She suffered from Alzheimer's disease, and he took care of her for many years. Recently, she had gone to live in an assisted living facility because she had fallen in their home and her care had become too much for her husband alone.
He told us about how he visited her every day, all day, and fed her all three meals. He remained cheerful. With a sincere smile, he said, "It is such an amazing experience for me to be able to do this for her. Not a lot of people get the opportunity to go on this part of the journey with their love." He said this with complete reverence and pleasure. To this day, the memory of the look of love on his face as he spoke of his wife brings me to tears.
Here was a man who, after 60-plus years of marriage, cherished any time he spent with his wife. He viewed something other people would have had a hard time coping with as an honor and a privilege. He was not at all resentful or grief-stricken. There was no hint of obligation or sadness in his voice. Less than a year later, his wife passed away, and he followed her shortly after.
At the time, I had felt beaten up by relationships and had gone through a brutal breakup. I was way more bitter than made sense given the circumstances. Nonetheless, I was angry and felt wronged not just by one man but dramatically, all men. My belief in love had been shaken to the core. I cringe at how bitter I was, but I bought the idea that there were no good men out there.
This didn't make sense because I have a wonderful father who has been happily married to my mother for over 30 years, but I viewed my parents as an anomaly. In my experience of relationships up until that point, relationships with men went well for a while, after which they got dicey and potentially heartbreaking.
I didn't feel like men were safe enough to put their faith and commitment into it. All it takes is one moment to change your life.
Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and the founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.
