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Whatever the day, love your partner well.
By Michael W. Regier, PhD
Last updated on Jan 11, 2024
Understanding not just how to love someone, but how to love them well, is critical for sustaining healthy relationships.
According to attachment theory in psychology, loving well is about building a secure emotional connection with your partner. But, practically speaking, what does loving someone well and building a secure connection look like?
Here are the 3 ways to love someone well so they feel safe in your relationship.
1. Make time for your partner.
Being available and accessible to your partner can help you establish a secure, emotional connection. Because no matter what you're going through on a daily basis, your relationship should be a priority.
Life is busy. The world must be spinning faster than ever, but you've got to slow it down and make time for your primary relationships. Otherwise, how else can you expect your relationship to grow and flourish?
You might be more attentive to your coworkers than you are to your partner. But come on! Work is work and should never take priority over your partner.
Make it a point to put your partner first, carving out time every single day to reconnect with them and make them feel secure with you. You can even set a time to go out on a date, just like you did when you were first starting out together.
2. 'Feel' your partner's heart instead of trying to solve their problems.
Loving well requires hearing and feeling your partner's heart and responding appropriately — a cornerstone of secure, healthy relationships. However, many men have trouble with this because they are "problem-solvers."
A lot of men find it easier to find a solution than to sit and be emotionally supportive. Their wife or girlfriend will vent to them about their conflicts or even just having a bad day, and he will then attempt to find a solution to the problem.
But rather than offering a solution, women want and need men to just listen to them. Though, it does take practice.
Loving well means responding to your partner's fears or struggles with a hug and looking into their eyes, saying, "That must feel awful. I'm so sorry you're hurting." Sympathizing, instead of trying to problem-solve, strengthens your emotional connection.
3. Be present.
Loving well requires being all in, all there, all present to your partner. Put down the phone, turn off the TV, and turn off the kids, if you can.
Sit side-by-side and give your all to the one who is your all. Look into their eyes. Hold their hand. Tune out the world for just a few minutes and feel each other's presence. Focus on your emotional bond.
Life's responsibilities will be there when you check back in. But for now, it's your time to be alone, to be each other's priority.
When you are present with your partner, you show that you are invested in your relationship or marriage, no matter how many years have gone by. Your partner will feel safe and secure with you as a result.
Healthy relationships require a secure emotional connection.
When we have a strong emotional connection and are securely attached to our partner, our relationship can flourish. Your heart and mind shift, making compromise and sacrificial love seem second nature. You become "other" focused. You no longer need the world to revolve around you.
Whatever the day, love your partner well. You will become your best self and, as a couple, you will begin to change the world.
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Dr. Michael Regier is a clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, and executive coach with over 30 years of experience working to help couples repair unhappy marriages and create forever love. He and his wife Paula are authors of the book 'Emotional Connection: The Story & Science of Preventing Conflict & Creating Lifetime Love.'
This article was originally published at Michael Regier. Reprinted with permission from the author.