Getting Over Someone You Desperately Loved Feels Impossible For 7 Painfully Honest Reasons
How to put a stop to the hurt in your heart.
maks_d | Unsplash Getting over a breakup is painful — there's no doubt about that. When you're trying to move on, your broken heart needs your special attention. Things are going on in your head, like blame, that can make it even harder. Plus, things are going on in your heart, like hurt, that can make it last longer.
But being mindful of the ways to get over a breakup is a great starting point to healing your broken heart. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship that ended in a breakup has asked this question: "Why are breakups so hard?"
In my experience, the answer is as complicated as there are people on earth. We all react in different ways. Plus, getting over its ending and learning how to work through loss and grief is tough, especially when the process can last from days to months to years.
Was there a breach of trust involved? Did you have a family with this man, and, after the kids were gone, you realized there was little left to the relationship? Was it wrong from the start, and you didn’t know how to end it? Was he your first love, and the breakup devastated you?
I spent five years longer than I should have in my second marriage. I knew it was over. But I didn’t want to be the woman who was divorced twice. That was my story, and I was sticking to it. So, I spent those five years trying to fix it, even though I knew it was not in my control to fix everything. Crazy, huh? And still, it was hard. Why are breakups so hard? Here's what I think.
Getting over someone you desperately loved feels impossible for 7 painfully honest reasons:
1. You're holding on to the past
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Many times, your memories of how it was, in the beginning, keep you from recognizing that things have changed. You want to believe that it can be like that again, if only…
"If only he would change."
"If only he would hear me."
"If only he would compromise."
"If only he would stop abusing me, verbally (or otherwise)."
When you're heartbroken and still holding onto the past, it makes it difficult to see clearly what is right in front of your face and how much things have changed. It also keeps you stuck in a place that is impossible to leave behind because you want it back so badly.
Rumination keeps a person mentally trapped in the past by replaying events and conversations in their mind, according to a recent study. In heartbreak, this repetitive thought pattern is driven by the brain's attempt to make sense of the loss and to re-establish the connection, even if it's over.
2. It’s hard to accept
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Coming face-to-face with the breakup can be very hard to accept, even if you knew it was over. More so if you had no clue it was coming.
All kinds of questions come up: "What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Who am I now that I’m no longer in this relationship? Will I ever be loved again?"
You may question the role you played in the breakup, or you may blame him. Sorting through the questions — and the emotions that come along with them — will take some time and some distance before it gets easier. Finding hope after disappointment will help you move down the road a bit.
3. It hurts and there's no denying it
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Unless you have been planning for the breakup for a while and you’ve already processed it, a breakup hurts. You may experience the hurt physically — a pit in the stomach, unable to eat, unable to talk about it. The emotions can certainly hurt — anger, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, fear, anxiety, depression ... the list could go on.
Working your way through the hurt, experiencing the emotions and physical manifestations, is the only way I know of to move beyond the breakup so that you are more grounded in who you are now.
Some studies have found that people rated the emotional pain of a breakup as equivalent to 'nearly unbearable' physical pain. Unlike physical pain, which often subsides, emotional pain can linger for weeks or months, contributing to the prolonged suffering.
4. Security is lost
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The stories you tell yourself are real, and they can haunt you. What I mean by this is that being in a relationship may be tied to an expectation that you should model the partnership your parents had, which lasted decades. Or, the role models you had experienced turbulent times, which may have included abuse, and you didn’t want yours to be the same.
There is a sense of lost security in either scenario when you face a breakup. In the first one, you may have been equally committed as your parents, but now it feels as if everything you hoped it would be is no longer the case. You may now feel unsafe.
In the second instance, you entered into the relationship being certain you got it right, and you were not relegated to repeating the same pattern, yet it didn’t end that way. You found yourself reliving some of the same abuse. There is no security in that.
Finding new ways to feel more secure is a worthy endeavor. Getting to know yourself better so you can create your own safe space is one way. Be sure to think about safety within yourself, as well as within your environment.
Ask yourself some questions, such as "What makes me feel safe? Who can I surround myself with so I have a safety net when I need it? What do I need to do at home to feel safer when I’m there alone?" Answering simple questions like this is a good way to regain your sense of security.
5. You may lose more than a life partner
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Sometimes your friends and family break up with you when your relationship dissolves. They may not know who to support, so they "divorce" both of you. Or, they may pick a side — and it may not be yours.
Losing friends, pets, and in-laws who have been part of your support system can exacerbate the sense of loss. Not only do you no longer have your one-and-only but you may also need to find a new network of supporters, so you are not left to your own devices. The sense of being alone can be one of the hardest things in a breakup.
In a serious relationship, it is normal to blend your sense of self with your partner's. Over time, your identity becomes intertwined with theirs, and you adopt their routines and interests. When the relationship ends, it can cause a severe identity crisis, one study found.
6. You have shattered dreams
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This is another really hard realization. With the breakup, you not only grieve the loss of your lifetime companion, but you also lose all those dreams you had together.
What about that vacation in Hawaii? Or the dream home on two acres in the country? Traveling? Those dreams are now out the window, at least in the way you two imagined together. In time, when you are moving beyond the breakup, you will dream new dreams — and they can be all yours.
Research has shown that the loss of a potential future can lead to similar stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. When your brain senses the loss of a significant attachment, it can perceive it as a biological emergency, activating the same stress response as a physical threat.
7. It gets lonely
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When things change due to a breakup, some adjustments need to be made. Okay, I lied — there is a lot of adjusting to do. You will need to fill the time that used to be filled by being with him. This may come easily to you, or it may come hard. Planning things out so you minimize the empty time is a good practice, as well as allowing yourself some alone time to process what’s going on.
Don’t confuse feeling lonely with being alone. Feeling stuck and unable to move on in one place is common in a breakup. Figuring out where to go next is often not clear. However, you can still learn how to get over someone and move on.
I remember feeling like I was treading water, just going through the motions of my life day-to-day. There will come a point when you will have had enough of this, and you’ll be ready to move on. Acknowledging that you deserve the best is a great way to get started in figuring out how to get over a heartbreak.
Knowing what you value most and what your own personal vision is for the future comes next. Then, you get to take inspired action to move on to that new dream.
María Tomás-Keegan is a certified career and life coach for women, transition expert, and founder of Transition & Thrive with María.
