Love

5 Ways You're Better Off After Having Your Heart Broken

Photo: RoHappy / shutterstock.com
woman with red lips does a kiss face, standing in front of a red and orange corrugated wall

I know that it’s really hard to believe that you are better off after having your heart broken.

Right now, you don't see how that is possible. You had found the love of your life, and now they are gone. How can you ever be happy again?

I can promise you that while all you feel right now is pain and hopelessness, you will soon find that you are better after having your heart broken, for many reasons.

RELATED: 10 Ways To Bounce Back After A Super Painful Breakup

Here are five ways you are better after heartbreak.

1. You will finally be able to be yourself.

Be honest with yourself. As your relationship started to fall apart, did you twist yourself into a pretzel to be who you think your partner wanted you to be?

Did you change your hair or what you wore? Did you start doing more of what they wanted to do instead of what you wanted? Did you try to do everything that you could do to keep the relationship together?

I bet it was exhausting. But, guess what!  You don’t have to do it anymore!

One of the major reasons that you will be better off after having your heart broken is because now it is time for you! This is time for you to take care of yourself, reflect on what happened in the relationship, and to proudly embrace who you are after the pain.

One of my clients worked so hard to be who her boyfriend wanted. She took care of him, dressed how he wanted her to, reluctantly engaged in the kind of sex he wanted, and was always there for him.

Over the months, doing these things sucked the life out of her. The things that had always been a part of her personality, the things that attracted her guy in the first place, were gone. She had been replaced by a shell of herself, one she hated and was embarrassed by.

When her guy broke up with her, she was devastated but the pain of the break up led her to make change, big time.

She reflected on the relationship as a whole, the break up, and her role in it all. She reconnected with the person she was before. She grew as she ventured out into the world, to spend time with friends and loved ones. She grew more confident in who she was, no longer having to make herself available for her guy.

And what happened? The pieces of herself that she'd lost over the course of her relationship, helped attract the man who would soon be her husband.

So, have hope and know that you will be better off after being heart broken, even if it doesn’t feel possible right now.

RELATED: There's Only One Thing That Makes A Man Change

2. No more thousand little 'cuts.'

I know that when I was unhappily married, I felt pain daily.

Every time that my ex-husband let me down, or I looked at him and felt contempt.  And these little things happened over and over and over — small things that were not major, but could add up to major issues.

When he ultimately left me, I was so surprised. I mean, we never fought, so why would he leave?

He left because of those thousand little 'cuts', that slowly bled him dry. Until the end, there was never one cut that drew a ton of blood. There were only things that might have made us sit up and take notice, and maybe do the work to save our relationship. Eventually, he left, leaving both of us with lots of open scars.

With time, the cuts healed and I was no longer slowly being bled dry. I hadn’t realized how much the pain of those thousand little cuts were affecting me.

Each cut, whether executed by him or by me, felt horrible. I felt contempt for myself because of my behaviors. I felt hopeless because I knew we had no future together the way things were. I was saddened when he cut me, for something big or small.

Once those cuts stopped happening I started to heal, physically. I was no longer living in fear of the next cut but knew that another one would not come. And that felt good.

So, know that no longer having those daily, thousand little cuts, will ultimately result in you healing and moving on after the break up.

RELATED: How Long It Actually Takes To Feel Like Yourself Again After A Breakup

3. You will be free to do what you want to do.

When we are in a relationship, we often do couple-friendly things. While we might go out with friends, we tend to do most things together, because that’s what couples do.

And those habits aren’t a bad thing or a good thing. They just are.

But, there are times when those habits can start to feel constricting. Yes, you love your person, but you want to live your life as well.

I know you don’t believe that you could be better off after a broken heart, I would argue that, after the break up and the heart break, your world will open back up again.

When my husband and I got divorced, at first, I was devastated. The life that we had built together was very safe, secure, and we had our routines and habits. All of a sudden they were gone and it was so freaking scary!

But, as time went on and the pain faded, I realized that I had my whole life ahead of me. I no longer had to be constricted by the wants and needs of another person.

So, I started doing things — small and large — that I wanted to do.

The first thing was to buy a flannel comforter set. My husband hated them so I hadn’t had one for 20 years. So, I bought one and it felt so good. I cooked only the food what I wanted (or not at all), and watched all the reality TV I wanted without being judged. I was free and it felt good.

Then, I began doing bigger things. Since I got divorced, I have done the following: spent the night on the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Spent the night on the top of Mt Salkantay in Peru, on my way to Macchu Picchu. I moved to NYC by myself and started my own business. I traveled throughout the UK with my kids, and bought a little cottage in Maine.

I have a new boyfriend now. Right away, I told him about my need to do things for myself. We have an agreement that I will fly when I need to, as long as I come back. And he truly supports that part of my life and it has made our relationship stronger.

I thank my lucky stars every day because I know that I am better off after a broken heart.

RELATED: 7 Common Relationships Fail And Precisely What To Do About It

4. You get used to being alone.

I am sure that those words — being alone — are the scariest words right now. You have been in a relationship and now you are alone, feeling like another rejected person the world with no hope for the future.

But, I can tell you that you aren’t that person, and now that you have had your heart break, you will learn that truth.

I have a friend who was absolutely terrified of being alone after her divorce. She hadn’t been alone in 15 years and she didn’t want to be alone now. She just didn’t know how she could survive it.

But, you know what? She didn’t have a choice. She had to learn how to be alone and be comfortable.

For a period of time my friend suffered while living alone. She was stuck there, with her toxic thoughts, feeling like a loser and not sure what she was going to do next.

And she was in pain. But, the pain was a great motivator for her to do things differently. There were things about herself that she had wanted to change but never had. Now, she would do anything that she could to let go of that pain.

Instead of being intimidated by the time alone, she began to use if efficiently. She started her own garden design business, one that was a huge success. She spent her days out in the world talking to people and her evenings doing the planning work that she needed to do.

She had always been somewhat of a loner, which worked when she had someone to go home to every night. The pain of being alone forced her to put herself out there, to go out of her comfort zone and meet new people and do new things. Putting herself out there allowed her feel joy, to build her confidence and to make change in who she was.

Her newfound confidence built her business, and got her out of her comfort zone. She found that living alone, in a space that was just hers, was a really good thing!

RELATED: What To Do When The Relationship Ends But The Memories Don't

5. You will have a chance to find true love.

I know that, right now, you truly believe that you will never love, or be loved, again.

I can promise you that that this just isn’t true. What is true is that, if you had stayed in that toxic relationship, trying to change yourself to be the person your person wanted you to be, you never would have had the opportunity to find true love.

Why? Because every fiber of your being was constantly used up by a relationship that had no future.

Now that you have been released from this unhappy relationship, the sky is the limit for you. There are a million people out there in the world who could potentially be the one for you, a million people who you never would have met if you stayed in this relationship.

And, now that you have had to do the work after your heart break, you will truly be in a better place to find the person who can truly make you happy. The newly confident you, living a full life,  and being ok with being alone, will only attract people like you — people who have done their work, felt their pain and have moved on.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to meet someone like that?

RELATED: Women Who End Up Happier After A Breakup Never Skip This 'Golden' Healing Step

I can tell you that, from where I sit, I am truly better off after heart break.

I didn’t know it at the time but, sitting here on the other side, with a lovely man, a thriving business, and a love of adventure — I am truly so much happier than I have ever been.

So, know that you will be better off too. You will have the opportunity to truly be you, to let go of the daily pain, to get to know yourself, to shift up your life and to learn how to be comfortable with yourself. All of those things will only set you up for the happiness that you deserve.

I know it doesn’t feel possible but give it time. You will see!

RELATED: Why So Many Amazing Women Give Their Hearts To Unkind Men

Mitzi Bockmann is a certified life coach and relationship coach. With over 10 years of experience, she helps clients find happiness in love and life.

Sign up for YourTango's free newsletter!