6 Essential Things To Do When You Know In Your Heart You Have To Stop Loving Someone
Joao Paulo De Souza | Unsplash How do you stop loving someone after a breakup? Easy and terrible answer: You don't. Love isn't a light switch. You can't just turn it off. The feelings you have for your ex after a breakup, no matter how horrible, are always going to be a part of your emotional landscape. For better or worse, the love you feel for that person (or did feel) will shape the way you enter into your next relationship, and the one after that, and the one after that.
That is what we call "baggage." Put yours next to mine. All of us are over the weight requirement and are getting charged an additional handling fee because life is brutal and unfair. Can you learn how to stop loving someone after a breakup? It's an impossible thing to explain. When it comes to not loving someone any longer, all you can do is go through it, believe your feelings for them will never change, and then watch in wonder as time passes and they finally do.
Here are 6 essential things to do when you know in your heart you have to stop loving someone:
1. Block them on social media, unblock them, then block them again
If you really block your ex, it will help you stop loving them. It really will. Sometimes you will unblock them and binge on photos of them happy with some other person in Hawaii, and it will fill your soul with wrath. But then you will reblock them, and things will get better.
You need to give yourself time and space away from a person if you ever hope to "get over" them. Social media makes this a nightmare show. Repeat after me: Block, block oops, you unblocked them, so block them again.
Certified life coach Mitzi Bockmann says blocking your ex is the only way you'll actually move on because it protects you from getting hurt over and over when they reach out wanting you back. She found that women who block their ex finally save their sanity and fast-track rebuilding their self-esteem instead of getting stuck on the hamster wheel of breaking up and getting back together endlessly.
2. Ask your friends for their honest opinions
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I did this when I was having a really hard time figuring out how to stop loving someone. The someone in question was an ex who had ghosted me. I asked my best friend and her husband what they thought of the guy, and they said, "He's a slob! A lazy slob!"
It was the best thing I'd heard in weeks. Your friends will hold back because they don't want to hurt you. Sometimes you must trick them with booze to get the straight dope.
3. Put yourself back out there carefully
Sometimes, the only way to move past a breakup is to put your attention on someone else. Plus, an ego-boost doesn't hurt! This doesn't mean sleeping with a stranger; instead, it means putting yourself out there into the world, no matter how scary it may be. Just don't force yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with.
The smartest thing relationship coach Lisa Hayes ever did was quit online dating completely until she could heal her heart and manage her own issues first. She explains that if you're unhealthy or desperate when you're dating online, it becomes a dangerous place, but once you get yourself right and then get back out there, you can actually find someone amazing.
All of that said, the fastest way to un-love a person is to stop thinking about them. And getting attention from other men can help.
4. Make a realistic list of who they actually were
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He cannot let you complete a sentence without interrupting. He's a chronic mansplainer. He's a liar and a cheater. He's incapable of cleaning up after themselves. You're pretty sure that he has never washed the jeans he wears every single day. He's lazy in bed, always making you get on top. He never lets you hang out with his friends. Why waste your love on a person who is just generally bad?
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren, sometimes after a breakup, we become so hyper-focused on remembering only the negative things about an ex that we turn them into a monster in our minds. She found that staying angry and resentful at an ex by only remembering the bad stuff isn't helpful because it keeps you fixated on someone who isn't your partner anymore, instead of letting go and moving forward.
5. Remind yourself why the relationship ended
He was saving up for a vasectomy, and your plan has always been to have a couple of kids. He wanted to live in the city forever, and you needed to be back by the water. He's an angry atheist, and you're still exploring religion.
You don't need to hold on to love for someone whose life plan is so different than your own. You don't need to hate them, either, but you can definitely let go of that love, or at least use its spark to guide you towards a love that's right for you.
Dating coach Rebecca A. Marquis discovered the best way to get over a breakup is to constantly give yourself reality checks instead of keeping your mind on all the things you miss. She recommends you remind yourself of the real reasons it didn't work out so you can actually move forward instead of wishing things were different.
6. Accept that love alone was not enough
If he loved you, he wouldn't have forgotten your birthday and then, when you reminded them of it, bought tickets to see a movie he really wanted to see, and then sent you home early because he was "so tired."
If he loved you, he wouldn't have made you sleep on his couch that one night because he "needs his space." If he loved you, he would have actually broken up with you instead of just leaving you to figure it out when he stopped talking to you after a year of dating exclusively.
Dr. Cortney Warren challenges the lie that if he loved you more, your relationship would work by explaining that love is often necessary for a relationship, but it's definitely not enough to make you a successful couple. She says you really loved your ex, but love alone isn't enough to make a romantic connection healthy or worth staying in when it's clearly not working for you.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.
