If He Does These 5 Things, You’re Not Overreacting — You’re In An Almost-Relationship That Benefits Him More Than It Ever Will You
VH-studio | Shutterstock An almost relationship is not easy to spot because you'll initially think you're overreacting to things — hint: you're not — which makes it harder for you to realize the ugly truths. It's different from the friend zone because both parties are interested in each other, yet one benefits more than the other.
Both people might enter the relationship with high expectations for the best. However, research from the American Psychological Association has shown that this can set you up for a relationship where you likely won't get your needs met. A downward spiral begins and drags you into a cycle of lower satisfaction and less commitment that benefits your partner, not you.
If he does these 5 things, you’re not overreacting — you’re in an almost-relationship that benefits him more than it ever will you:
1. He sends mixed signals and gives false hope
Sometimes he can be sweet, and other times he can be ignorant. You always find yourself questioning his behavior; why doesn’t he text back? Why did he cancel the plans at the last minute? Last week, he made you feel like a princess, then he disappeared without even a text.
You can never predict his behavior because it’s an ‘on and off’ relationship. You will always feel confused, and you will always doubt whether to continue on this path or move on from your feelings towards them.
Relationship coach Tina Tobin explained, "Someone who isn't committed often acknowledges their problematic behavior when confronted, making specific commitments to change. They might show brief improvement for a few days or weeks. However, what'll happen every single time is they will gradually revert to old patterns without explanation. And when confronted again, they either make the same promises or become defensive about being 'nagged.' This pattern creates a cycle where you're constantly hoping for change that never happens."
2. He spends time with you, but won’t go any further
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He’s your Netflix buddy, he looks happy to see you, he cares about you, but he won’t bring commitment to the table. You will feel that he holds back when your interactions are going ‘too far’; he will distance himself, then in the next several days, he will come back to you again.
This ‘push and pull’ thing will be a never-ending cycle, which makes you tired. A study found that the need to feel supported in a relationship helps reduce stress and strengthen the couple's bond. Yet when you try to know him deeper, he can’t see himself being together with you because you have different life goals, values, or maybe some needs that he can’t fulfill.
3. He’s close to you, yet doesn’t prioritize you
He only comes to you when he needs you, not when he wants you. He will come to you only when he has a bad day or needs your help. When he is busy with his own life, he will disappear.
"If you express your love by doing favors for him constantly, like running his errands, cleaning his house, or even cooking him meals, and he rarely, if ever, reciprocates, you have an imbalanced workload," advised psychotherapist Zita Fekete. "This kind of imbalance suggests that he thinks his time is more important than yours, or that he expects this kind of “mothering” behavior, which can be a huge red flag in your relationship."
He cares about you, but you know in your heart that he put himself before you. He seems like he doesn’t have time to have a deep relationship because he’s too busy building his own life, or the ugly truth is, he likes someone else.
4. He makes you feel like you’re the only one who’s trying to work things out
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You’re always the one who can’t wait for the next meeting with him, and you’re the one who’s too excited when he spends time with you. You feel like this is only a one-sided relationship because he doesn’t put any efforts to get to know you well.
Dating coach Susan Allan cautioned, "You must resist the temptation to help this person. If you discover that you are the only one making the relationship work, and if you feel like a parent catering to a small child, then the one-way street sign is pointing you away from this partner."
He cares about you, but he doesn’t even bother to ask about how your day was, and you are always the one who wants to know about his daily life. Not to mention that you’ll get jealous every time you see him in a random girl’s Snapchat updates.
5. He makes you deny the feelings you had for him
Deep down in your heart, you know this relationship is going nowhere. You will try your best to deny the feelings you had for him and say, “No, he’s just a fling; he’s not my type,” and try to convince yourself that you’re not in love. You’re protecting your heart from rejection and broken heart, but your mind never questions why this relationship didn’t work out the way you’d expected.
The truth is, an almost-relationship is only giving you a pseudo-happiness effect; you think he's into you, but he's not. Love should be simple and not make everything complicated.
A man’s behaviors are easy to guess if only we’re sensitive enough to understand them. Trust your intuition and don’t ruin it with your expectations. If you feel like he doesn’t like you, believe it and try to see someone else. You have to remember that sometimes, we are the ones who break our own hearts because of expectations.
Rayi Noormega is a writer for Thought Catalog and Unwritten. She has also been published at Elite Daily, Magdalene, Huffington Post, The Jakarta Post, and more.
