Photo: Reece van der Merwe on Unsplash
The man who can commit is the confident one. The man who cannot is the insecure one.
By Laura Lifshitz — Written on Aug 28, 2022
Although you can get a guy who is a serial bachelor to commit, there's also the nice guy who suddenly ghosts you — there are key differences between men who can commit and men who won't.
Sometimes, it’s easy to tell which group a particular guy ends up belonging to, but for clarity’s sake (and to avoid heartache), let’s dish on the real differences.
The nine differences between a guy who can commit and stay loyal, and the ones who never will:
1. Is he secure in himself?
Men who can commit:
He’s secure in himself. He feels positive about who he is and knows that he has a lot to offer. He isn’t cocky or needy — he’s simply comfortable in his own skin.
Men who won't commit:
He feels entitled. Or he’s insecure, bitter and jaded. He isn’t rooted in the world as an individual and he can’t be committed to you. Picture him as a little leaf floating in the wind with no direction.
2. Does he appreciate women?
Men who can commit:
He’s not still mad at his high school girlfriend or his ex-wife. He views women as equals and appreciates the relationships he has with them. He doesn’t see them as “carriers of his duties,” nor does he see them as weights holding him down.
Men who won't commit:
He views women as property or as problems. His view points of women skew negatively, and his experiences with relationships range from bad to horrific.
3. Is he competitive?
Men who can commit:
He’s not in a competition with others in an unhealthy manner. Yes, he wants to get ahead in life, but he’s not busy keeping up with the Joneses. He's content with competing with himself to be a better guy.
Men who won't commit:
He's competing with every guy to be the BEST. He wants what everyone else has, and judges his life value by whatever the latest thing he’s measuring. He doesn’t have his own internal way of deciding what he values.
4. How does he handle his past trauma?
Men who can commit:
He’s had heartbreak, but it’s not holding him back. He’s not sitting around sulking. He moves on. He bounces back and recovers from life’s aches and pains.
Men who won't commit:
He's weighed down by his problems. He struggles to find the silver lining. He lets his past hold him back.
5. Is he open to love?
Men who can commit:
He wants to love and be loved in return. He doesn’t find it cumbersome, annoying or frightening. He's confident in his ability to give and receive.
Men who won't commit:
He's frightened or annoyed by love. He finds it scary or too “clingy.” He doesn’t want to give of himself too much, although he may or may not be okay with taking from someone else.
6. Does he have a dependency problem?
Men who can commit:
He doesn’t want someone to be dependent on him and he’s not out to settle. He does, however, appreciate a good partner and is willing to wait for one. When he does commit, he takes care of himself as a human and partner.
Men who won't commit:
He seeks dependency either on someone or someone on him, or he seeks distance. He doesn’t want to be close to someone else and doesn’t want anyone else having any expectations from him.
His attachment is either not present, scattered or dependent.
7. Can he work through his struggles?
Men who can commit:
This man works through issues in his life and with you. He's a willing problem-solver and doesn’t just quit when life hands him lemons. He won’t just run out the door on you, he’ll attempt to fix the relationship issues you’re having because he's a hard-working person.
Men who won't commit:
This dude never breaks a sweat for anything. He lacks commitment and connection because he doesn’t have to or want to work for it. When bad things happen, he blows up or avoids the issue. He isn't someone who works hard.
8. Does he have his future planned out?
Men who can commit:
This is a man who can plan out his future and project ahead. He's able to handle things thrown his way, but he can also plan.
Men who won't commit:
He never knows which way he’s coming or going. His energy is scattered. Even if he's focused at work, personally, he’s not.
9. What does he have to offer?
Men who can commit:
He knows he has a lot to offer and this doesn’t make him rude or cocky, just confident and capable. He feels good about what he brings to the table.
Men who won't commit:
He overshoots his worth or undershoots it. He can be an ego maniac or insecure. He really isn’t sure what he has to offer or, in some cases, he's too selfish to care.
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Laura Lifshitz is a former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate who writes about divorce, relationships, parenting, and marriage for YourTango, The New York Times, Women’s Health, Working Mother, and Pop Sugar.