5 Common Myths About Love That Brilliant People Refuse To Fall For
Ditch dating and relationship ideas that are stuck in the last millennium.
Masoud Razeghi | Unsplash The world is full of dating myths. I can tell you from experience, both my own and from the people I work with, that most, if not all of them, are nonsense. They are built out of patriarchy, misogyny, and gender roles. And they all come with a horde of expectations that add unnecessary fear to the already difficult world of dating.
Brilliant people, the ones who are confident and competent when it comes to finding love, refuse to fall for these myths, and their relationships are better for it.
Five common myths about love brilliant people refuse to fall for
Myth #1: Deep inside, everyone wants a committed relationship
Many people want to settle down, get married, and grow old together. But that doesn’t mean they want it right now, or in the near future, or with you.
If they do not want monogamy right now, that does not mean they don’t want you right now. It simply means they are not in a place to have you be their one and only.
Monogamy is still the gold standard of our culture, but that does not mean you should expect it from the person sitting across from you on a first date. It certainly doesn’t mean you have to expect it from yourself.
Putting this expectation on your date and yourself means that you are already preemptively writing a story with no ending. This sets you up for failure and shuts down the opportunity to build something beautiful, if unconventional.
Be honest and open, and let the relationship reveal itself as it progresses.
Myth #2: Revealing your feelings early turns partners off
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There are many rules about when to tell someone that you like them: wait to text them back, don't let them know you are thinking about them, don't say I love you first, etc. But all of these rules are built out of game playing, something we need to avoid if we want to date authentically and ethically.
And really, why not express your feelings? It is nice to know where everyone stands. Knowing what's going through your date's head helps you figure out where you are going, so that you don’t end up a few months down the line with mismatched feelings, wondering what went wrong.
Communication is the biggest factor in any successful relationship, so why not start off yours in an honest way and put your feelings on the table?
Myth #3: Everyone is straight until proven otherwise
The time of gender fluidity is upon us, and how exciting is that? Whenever I go talk to teens about gender diversity, they are mostly not phased. They are astounded that people would ever be shamed for being who they are, or loving who they love.
Now, if we believe gender is fluid, that means many folks will not fit nicely into a heteronormative box. Heck, many of them won’t even fit into a homonormative box, either!
If you close yourself off to the possibility of ever having relationships, romantic, intimate, or otherwise, with people of any gender, then you are closing yourself off to many beautiful connections.
If you are assuming everyone is straight simply because they are on a date with you, someone of a different gender, you are erasing their identity. Stay open, stay curious, and stay fluid.
Myth #4: If you don't wait three dates, they won't respect you
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This rule stems from the idea that one needs to wait to “get to know a person” before being physically intimate. However, intimacy helps you get to know them.
If you are communicating openly and you feel comfortable with yourself, there is no timeline. You can get close on the first night, or you can get close a year later. The more rules you put on something natural, beautiful, and a powerful tool for creating connection, the less organic it will feel.
Just like talking about your feelings, be intimate often, do it openly, and do it when it feels right.
Myth #5: You must be [insert ideal adjective] before you can date
In his book, Rebel Love, Dr. Chris Donague talks about self-acceptance being the one and only predecessor for having a dating life: “I can tell you for a fact: the most revolutionary thing you can do, for yourself, your [...] life, and as an example for the rest of the world, is to learn to celebrate your own body exactly as it is now.”
If you tell yourself you can go on a date when you lose 5 pounds, or when your acne clears up, or when you are no longer depressed, you are ultimately telling yourself you are not good enough as you are.
But you are good enough exactly as you are. You deserve to go out and socialize. To go on dates. To be spoiled. Sure, set goals. Sure, work on yourself. But do not think you must be perfect to attract your person.
You must be you to attract your person. You will bring in the energy you are putting out. If you are putting out self-deprecating energy, you can bet you will find that coming right back at you.
Ultimately, dating rules stop you from being you. You will end up stuck in boxes, trying to please everyone but yourself. You will feel disconnected from your authentic self, and you will attract people who you likely will not be a good match for.
The sooner you learn to say “forget these rules” and create your model of dating, the more likely you are to be successful in finding the people who are meant to be in your life.
If you need a chat, or check-in, or a quick boost of self-love, shoot me a message. Let’s talk.
Celeste Seiferling is a clinical counsellor, intimate health educator, mental health advocate, dancer, aerialist, and writer.
