Heartbreak

When You Start Missing Your Narcissistic Ex, Remember This One Thing

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Woman standing on balcony looking out

Do you have a narcissistic ex who won't leave you alone?

Do you think, "I need help not responding to their texts and phone calls! But I also miss them!"

Then, it all comes flooding back — the shared memories, the feeling of heart fluttering, and the deep longing for what was.

You desire to have those times back.

"Maybe they've changed." You're lying to yourself.

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Here's what to remember when you start "missing" your narcissistic ex:

1. They were attracted to lax boundaries

How do you stop missing a narcissistic ex?

People who attract narcissists have lax boundaries. They empathize more than what's healthy and eroticize being with someone who's wounded and in pain.

Narcissists are attracted to those who are codependent and don’t speak up to ask for what they want.

They think that "over the top" chemistry is love — but it isn’t.

People who have had a narcissistic parent have been conditioned to think that their "grandiose" self is normal and makes them confident. It's not, but the brain thinks it is and confuses them.

2. Certain people attract narcissists because they haven’t dealt with their trauma.

They seek to heal it outwardly by "being there for someone else who is wounded."

When I hear about women who have found the strength to break free from a narcissistic partner, what I hear is a lot of longing, desperation, and “missing them”.

They've conveniently blocked out the awful stuff.

This is exactly why you got into a relationship with a narcissist in the beginning.

You're subconsciously looking for "normalized abuse". And when you're free from it, you have withdrawal symptoms.

You're not dealing with your issues. You abandoned yourself for them, and you're avoiding getting back to you.

3. The person you're missing is yourself.

You confuse this as "missing the narcissist" by focusing on the "good times."

The good times were never really authentic. This was planned — either consciously or subconsciously — to hook you and keep you hooked. You're missing the point.

You left because of the bad times. You're not reminding yourself of why you left. You are pining over times when they gave you a "high" that you secretly desired as if you "won" the lottery with them.

Then, they hit you hard with covert tactics, and you forget the abuse once it is in the past.

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4. Don't set yourself up to be with another narcissist.

You’re setting yourself up to be with another narcissist as soon as one comes along — you’ll be high on that feeling again.

When you "long" for something that hard, you’ll attract it to you again... Until you get it!

That intense desire for someone to "love" you the way you deeply need reflects your wounds. It's not true love.

   

   

5. Focus on why you broke up.

Stop longing for something unhealthy that you've eroticized. Focus on why you left them, especially when your mind reminds you of the "good times."

Realize that good times are not "real love." What you see when it is abusive, diminishing, hurtful, or betraying is also part of the equation — a significant part.

It’s like eating too much pizza because it tastes yummy, while you know you'll end up in agony later. It’s self-abuse.

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6. Going back to a narcissist is an addiction.

When you stop hooking yourself on "fake" happiness and "toxic love" and start giving yourself that love, you won’t feel that "longing" for what only gets you the same as what you're currently going through withdrawals from.

Stop hooking yourself on someone’s wounded heart and fake self-confidence. Stop hooking yourself on their words and pay attention to the entire picture instead.

This is blunt, and it’s also something that needs pondering before you text them back, return their call, meet them as "friends," or see them for "closure".

Those are all excuses to "get a hit" — just a tiny bit. Only to notice again they will use it against you. You ran into the concrete wall again because you weren’t paying attention.

It’s tough love.

"Just this once," you say. "Then I’ll stop. I promise."

When you’re high off them, you don’t question it — only to do it again and then wonder why.

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Is this repetition annoying you? Because this is exactly what others see and you don’t.

I’ve been there — relapsing on my addiction to loving a narcissist and thinking It'll work this time, only to be hit with the same abuse. I still wasn't "paying attention".

I so desperately wanted to have the feeling I was deeply and truly loved.

I subconsciously had blinders on, and they would slip back over my eyes as soon as my mind found another target.

The false familiarity and comfort I have with the new person happens before I can catch it. I feel like I’ve known them forever.

Yes, I did know them. A different name, different body, different likes, and yet, still that same person. The one who could never find value in me.

I continued chasing the feeling with the hope of finally satisfying my longing.

dancing in the rain at sunset

Photo: Flystock via Shutterstock

Love yourself first and foremost.

It's time to deal with your addiction to narcissists.

Stop drinking up the poison because it tastes good. Love thyself!

I now understand and feel repulsed by this. I don’t have a longing anymore. I’m happy being myself and loving myself, especially when I think I need someone to satisfy my need to be loved.

Those times, I need to step up on loving myself.

When a new love interest comes along, I need nothing more than to chat and have fun.

Genuine love will develop over time and not be some drug-like effect coming over me that I can’t stop or that won’t stop.

Either way, I’m happy!

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Lisa Hawkins is a certified life coach, certified cognitive-behavioral therapy coach, and a dating and relationship coach. She has 26 years of experience in personal growth and development, psychology, and human behavior with an emphasis on relationships.

This article was originally published at Elephant Journal . Reprinted with permission from the author.