Did Your Parents Have These 5 Traits? If So, You Were Probably Raised By Narcissists
Disentangle from the past to create a more loving future.
cottonbro studio | Pexels People struggling with narcissism are described with traits like selfishness, self-centeredness, and lack of care. That’s a simplistic description. Some narcissists are unable to function socially, but there are plenty of narcissists who can manage in the social world.
However, living with a narcissist can be miserable. Imagine being raised by a narcissistic parent who exhibited those traits.
Here are the traits your parents probably have if you were raised by narcissists:
1. Self-absorbed
Narcissists see everything as being about them. Other people exist only to serve their egos.
The child of a narcissist will be required to do things the parent likes. They will be pressured to perform well enough for their parent to bask in the glow of the child’s accomplishments — but not better than the parents themselves.
For instance, if mom was a dancer, then her daughter should dance well, but not better than mom at that age. To protect themselves, most children do their best at dancing (or whatever activity it is).
Still, we have little protection during childhood. As an adult, you need to ensure you can care for yourself so you're not at your parents’ mercy. Then, find a hobby or activity you enjoy that has nothing to do with your narcissistic parent.
2. Unwilling to inconvenience themselves
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Narcissistic parents may not accommodate their children's needs, even allergies to certain foods.
If the child has learning disabilities, they will be ignored — unless the parent can see themselves as the amazing parent of a disabled child. Even the child’s emotional needs could be completely ignored.
Now, as an adult, you should make sure to meet all of your needs. Often, the children of narcissistic parents have difficulty recognizing their unmet needs. A therapist can help you figure it out.
3. Hyper-controlling
Children of narcissists report their narcissistic parents didn't allow them to do the things they wanted to do. Usually, this is with the compliance of the other parent because of fear, money, or ignorance.
Their children are made to follow all sorts of restrictive rules bolstering the narcissistic parent's image.
Wealthy parents didn't allow their children to keep the small sum they earned by doing something they wanted them to do. Instead, they made their child donate it, preventing them from learning about spending and saving.
Children of narcissists have also reported not being allowed to leave their bedroom as teenagers after 10 p.m., even to use the toilet. These kids often learn not to want anything, as suggested by research in Psychological Reports.
Now that you're grown up, you can choose what you want. One exercise to try is going through paper catalogs, choosing all the things your narcissistic parent would not want or allow you to have.
Pick out three items. Read their ads and learn about the items (it’s OK to change your mind). Cut them out and put the listings up where you can see them. (Fridge magnets are good for this.)
You don't have to buy the items unless you choose to but know that nobody can say you can’t have what you want now.
4. Casually cruel
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To a narcissist, nobody has emotions apart from them, so their child’s emotional needs are meaningless.
They might talk negatively about their kids in front of them, making it clear that they don’t hold their children in high regard at all.
They frequently throw away a child’s teddy bear or another comfort object, claiming that it is dirty or that the child is too old for it. Then, they get angry with the child for the very normal fuss and crying.
Children of narcissistic parents often become hoarders because they lost some cherished possessions in a traumatic way. Adults who develop this issue need to work on their relationships with their possessions, which cannot give them the love they crave.
5. Their children go without love
This is a great tragedy for the children of narcissistic parents. These parents cannot love their children in the way children need and crave.
Kids do everything they can to "earn" their parents’ love, but these children go without it. Narcissists can indeed enjoy another adult’s company. Sometimes, their child will receive positive feedback if their parent seems to enjoy them.
However, the deep love of a parent for a child — the protective love that children need — is unavailable from the narcissistic parent.
I encourage people raised by narcissists to love themselves and do inner-child work so they can give love to their inner child and feel love for themselves. Please don't go looking for it from others because that can lead to inappropriate and toxic relationships.
Research from Brain Informatics Journal showed how being raised by a narcissistic parent is not a great start to life, that's for sure. However, if you see these traits in your parents, all is not lost. You can still be a loving parent and partner.
You might have some work to do to get back in touch with your emotions and ability to love, as shown by a study in the European Journal of Education Studies, but you can do it. Allowing yourself to get the help you need to achieve complete recovery is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your family.
"Start by affirming the importance of the relationship. Next, voice your hurt in a vulnerable way, expressing your feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness, shame, and/or longing for love," advised marriage and family therapist Marni Feuerman.
"For example, you might say, 'You’re a very special person to me, so when you ignore me, I feel shut out and unimportant,' or, 'You mean the world to me, which is why I feel worthless in your eyes when you criticize all of my decisions.' People who are capable of any empathy at all will soften when they hear these statements. If they don’t, that’s a major red flag.
Avoid the narcissistic parent, or make sure you can leave if their behavior becomes toxic. Make sure your children feel loved and strong. Limit their contact with that narcissistic grandparent to keep them safe.
It's such a bleak picture, but narcissism is incredibly toxic. You need to protect yourself and those you love.
Nancie Barwick is a clinical hypnotherapist, author, speaker, and medical intuitive who works with people to change aspects of their lives that are no longer working for them.