Photo: Ann Haritonenko / Shutterstock —
Remember your first broken heart?
By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on May 10, 2022
Are you trying to figure out how to be happy again after a breakup? I get it! I've totally been there.
I'm not sure there's any pain more intense than the pain we feel after a breakup!
I remember my first broken heart. With Bobby Fortunato in the 8th grade. I was devastated. I remember my mom let me stay home from school and she gave me Jello!
So, here you are, in the middle of the storm, struggling to stay afloat and wondering how you will ever be happy again!
You can be! I promise!
Here are 5 changes to make after a breakup in order to move on.
1. Block them everywhere.
Blocking an ex on social media and beyond is the number one thing people should do after a breakup. And it’s the number one thing that people don’t do and it holds them back.
It's essential that you go "no contact." That means no seeing each other, talking to each other, texting each other, or liking each other’s posts on Instagram.
Why is that important? Because any contact — any — will take you back to square one — the moment of your breakup — when the pain was most intense.
I have a client whose man had broken her heart and, six months in, she was starting to feel better. She was even opening herself up to the idea of dating again. And what happened?
Late one night, her ex drunkenly texted her. She was so excited because she thought that he wanted her back. So, she responded and they texted throughout the night. The next morning, there was radio silence. He had sobered up and moved on.
And what happened to her? She was devastated, again, and back to square one!
2. Rearrange your space.
Be honest. How many times in the past few days have you looked at the chair that they sat in at breakfast or their side of the couch or the pillows that they slept on and then burst into tears?
The memories of your ex’s time in your home are visceral and probably holding you back from healing.
So, what can you do about that? You can change your space! Shake things up so that your ex’s energy will be banished forever and you have space to make new memories.
What do I mean by changing your space? You can go big or little — whatever feels good to you.
My sister, when she got divorced, switched her bedroom to another room in the house. A client of mine painted all the walls.
I bought flannel sheets because my ex hated them. A friend moved the breakfast table to the other side of the kitchen. Definitely remove any and all things that they might have left behind, including pictures!
Imagine how it would feel to come down the stairs in the morning and not see your ex’s chair sitting there, empty. Imagine if your bed, because of your new sheets, no longer resembles the one you shared with your ex.
Even if your space is small, there's still an opportunity to make a change right now. Take a look around. What would feel really good to change right now? Stand up and do it or make a plan to do it this weekend!
You will be glad you did!
3. Change your routines.
Much like changing your space, changing your routines are an essential part of being happy again after a breakup.
We are all creatures of habit and we tend to do the same things day in, day out.
My partner and I get home from work we go for a walk, have a drink on the couch, make dinner, watch some TV, and go to bed. We do it almost every day and we love it. It's very comforting.
I know that, if we broke up, I would be devastated. And I would, most likely, carry on doing the things that we had always done together. And that would only make me lonely.
Take a look at your routines. What kind of habits did you and your ex develop over the course of your relationship? Did you go to the same coffee shop every Saturday? Go to a different one.
Did you have pizza for dinner every Wednesday? Have burritos instead. Did you each have your own side of the bed? Switch your place to the other side.
Changing routines will help you let go of your ex. It will also serve to adjust your brain to the new reality. When we do the same things over and over, we develop ruts in our brains.
When we are pushed out of our ruts, we get very uncomfortable. But, if we can stay out of them, we can rewire our brains to do things differently — namely to no longer focus on our ex.
4. Push yourself.
When I got divorced 12 years ago, I was a shell of myself. For 20 years I had been married to someone who made me fearful — not afraid of him but afraid of the world around me.
As a result, there were many things that I didn’t do. That I couldn’t do. And, when I noticed this, I recognized that I was going to have to do some of those things if I wanted to be happy again.
So, what did I do? I set out to do all of the things that I was uncomfortable doing.
I had always been scared of Jet Skis and snorkeling — and I did both. I had become increasingly uncomfortable driving in snow storms so I did so every opportunity I could.
I went to Peru and climbed a 17,000-foot high mountain. In Arizona, I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
What did pushing myself do for me? It rebuilt my self-esteem and made me realize that I was a person outside of my relationship. Accomplishing things that were challenging made me feel good about myself and very strong.
And I realized that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do alone — that I didn’t need to be part of a pair to succeed or live a good life.
I would encourage you to take stock of the things that scare you and set out to do at least one of them. Do things that you have always wanted to do, even if you have to do them alone.
Be the person you were before the end of this relationship. That person is still in there, waiting to be set free from behind the grief!
5. Have hope.
From where you sit, you might feel like your future is hopeless and that you will never love or be loved again. What I can promise you is that how you are feeling just isn’t true.
When we're in a bad place, it's virtually impossible to see the future as a hopeful one. We're feeling so fully what it’s like to be miserable and the journey out of that misery is murky.
But, with time, you will be happy again. You will get your life back. You will be happy. You will love and be loved again. It's more than possible — it's most probable.
That being said, you can’t just sit back, eat ice cream, watch T.V., stalk your ex on Instagram, and wait for the misery to pass. You must be able to step up and take the steps that are necessary to get your life back.
So, even if you're feeling hopeless, listen to me. You can do this! And it will be worth it, you will see!
I know it’s hard to believe that you can be happy again after a breakup but, hopefully, you've been inspired to shake things up a bit so that you can move on and be happy, sooner than later!
When we let go of a relationship, it's often the residual effects, the energy, the loss, the sadness, that hold us back from healing.
If you can shake up your space and your head, block your person completely, push yourself to find yourself again, and have hope, you will be happy again. You will have the life and the love that you have always wanted!
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and get started!
This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.