Experts Reveal The 5 "Golden Rules" For Getting Over A Breakup

You're ready to be over them, so why wait any longer?

single woman posing near wooden building Andrey Arkusha / Shutterstock

Does it seem like you'll never get over your breakup? We hear you. 

You've done everything from talking to your friends to blocking him on Facebook, but you can't stop alternating between daydreaming about ways to win him back and drop-kicking him halfway across the country.

You've been moping for what feels like forever ... and you've had enough. 

We asked some of our favorite YourTango Experts for their best, bravest, most dramatic breakup recovery advice. Prepare to get your head and heart back in the game. 


RELATED: How To Actually Get Over A Breakup, According To Research

Here, experts reveal the five "golden rules" for getting over a breakup:

1. Stop calling it a breakup

From now on refer to it as a "breakthrough." Tell yourself you had a "breakthrough with Jeff." Use your breakthrough as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you want in your relationships.


- Virginia Clark, relationship coach

2. Deal with the attachment

One of the keys to recovering from a breakup is to dissolve the attachment. Attachment is something that we are hard-wired for.

As a child, our survival would be in question if we did not attach to a primary caregiver, usually a parent. And as adults, that same attachment can make a breakup excruciating.

You have to deal with attachment, or you will suffer far more from the breakup. The best route to dissolving attachment when you break up is to resolve you’re going to move on and focus on life beyond the breakup.

Do not indulge the attachment by obsessing, reaching out, or in any way focusing back on your ex. At first, it’s challenging but it gets easier. Soon, you'll be asking yourself: "What was I thinking?!" 


Kathyrn Alice, dating coach and author of the "Releasing a Person" series.

RELATED: 10 Ways To Bounce Back After A Super Painful Breakup

3. Clear your ex from your energy field

Have your chakras cleared and your energy balanced. Energetic connections are especially solid between two people who have had intimate connections. 

Having a session with a professional energy healer will support you in having clearer energy and assist you in healing your heart from past pains. 

Energetic connections are like magnets and without clearing your energy and healing your heart, the likelihood of attracting a similar partner is greater than if you were to begin renewed and balanced.


The best way to get over your Ex? Fall in love with you and be the "one" you wish to be with.

There is nothing more attractive than a person who loves themselves and is in love with their life. Rediscover yourself, connect with what you love, and dive into a hobby or a new passion you always wanted to explore. 

Is it dance, guitar, or art? Whatever it is, create a life you love by falling in love with the most important person — you. Because all relationships are formed based on the relationship you have with yourself.

Take full responsibility for the entire relationship with your ex — with compassion. Sure, it is easy to blame them for all that went wrong. When you take full responsibility, you put yourself in a position of power to create the next relationship you desire.


What did you learn about yourself? What patterns do you see repeating themselves?

Love yourself up, own your participation, decide what you really want, and heal the heart wounds that have you attracting less than what you really want. 

Kelly Ann Matuskiewicz, holistic healer

RELATED: How Long It Takes To Get Over A Breakup (And What Can Speed Things Up)

4. Write a new story

Get a beautiful journal and write down all of the plans that you have for yourself post-ex. There is an amazing story of you to be written, so get out that pen and paper! Or go on a new age cruise and "sail into the spirit."

Immersing yourself in a stress-free, loving environment is just what the shaman ordered.


Marla Martenson, matchmaker and dating coach

5. Let go of the shame

One of the reasons we don't want to let our exes go is because of the shame of being a failure ... again.

This shame is part of our blind side. We idealize our partner and create a false picture of what really happened. We're still "madly in love with them."


To help truly let go, you can write down all the things that your partner did wrong to you from the beginning to the end of the relationship.

For example, he forgot to call you when he wasn’t coming home for dinner and he never said "I'm sorry." He spent Sunday afternoons on the couch watching football and left you alone. He had many broken promises. He drank and hung out with friends without you. And so on.

You do this to get really angry at him. Intensified anger is the only emotion that can't be controlled by shame. In this context, anger is your strength. It is a powerful, constructive emotional energy that moves you closer to a "true" break.

Finally, you realize the break was not all your fault. After the break, it is time to deepen your self-awareness and heal the shame. 


- Klara Brown, couples counselor

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