How To Get Your Ex Back After Breaking Up (Without Looking Desperate)

Don't lose sight of yourself in the process.

man and woman lounging on pink blanket smiling in the sun getty

If you're a woman thinking about how to get him back, you've likely taken the "desperate times call for desperate measures" approach with an ex, causing you to do all kinds of unfortunate things including "the walk of shame" and the dreaded "drunk dial." 

These unflattering behaviors are certainly not what to do after a breakup. Your antics make you look like a doormat, and after pushing him away there's no way to get him back. 


It's excruciating when you still love him or realize you messed up, as it's human nature to do so after your relationship ends.

But there's a psychological reason we want our ex back. It starts with something reminding you of your ex or relationship after the breakup.

RELATED: Your Only Chance To Get Him Back Is Having No Contact — Here's How

You start to miss special moments in your relationship, especially after seeing another couple. Over time, you think about your ex more and more, and question and worry if this is the end. Your ex might feel the same way as well.

During that time, your ex either directly or indirectly might check up on you to see if you have moved on. So, if they contact you, don't fall into the trap of being their backup, or indicating that you're willing to wait for them; what you actually want is for them to be scared that they could lose you if they don't make a move quickly.


It's not about whether or not he will actually come back after he dumps you; rather, it's about having an inner-knowing that he would come back if and when he wanted to, while at the same time knowing you will be fine if he doesn't.

To change his mind about breaking up, you might have to invest your time in changing your ex's mood with the law of secret intimacy, which is based around the idea that the ex that dumped you expects you to know what they need and want, and for you to call the shots on getting back together without asking them to do the work.

If you're able to successfully change your ex’s mood by reminding them of happier times, they will associate you with different words if they ever had anger associated with you. Then, you can get them to come back, as this lets them remember the good times and there's a possibility of them opening up to you.

But sometimes, walking away might be the best option. He will realize he has to prove that he's up for the challenge to win you back. And if he doesn't come back, that means what you had might have been unrequited love.


Here are six steps that are key to figuring out how to make him want you again and get him back for good.

1. Don't disagree with why things ended.

The truth is, you and your boyfriend broke up for valid reasons. If he mentions those reasons, don't dispute them.

Have the courage to hear the truth in what he's saying, acknowledge it and apologize for it. It's better to be happy and loved than to be right about everything.

Wanting to be right, versus hearing the truth of how he felt while in a relationship with you, is your ego stepping in and overshadowing your soul's desire to be happy and loved.

2. Don't try to convince him to come back.

Trying to convince your ex why he should come back just pushes him further away. It reinforces why he's better off without you because you appear needy and desperate, and like you haven't heard anything he's tried to communicate. 


Needy and desperate are traits that will kill any attraction a man may have for you. Men are drawn to women who are happy with themselves. So, be happy, live your life and let your radiant energy shine, causing him to second guess why you're not together.

Maybe he will stalk your Instagram and read through the comments section, and realize how happy you are now. That might make him feel attraction again and want you back. 

But remember: you are a prize, so treat yourself like one. You should never have to convince him to be with you or have to steal him back from another woman. 

3. Take responsibility for your role in the breakup.

Hard to admit, but true: in every breakup you've experienced, you were the common denominator. Instead of blaming him exclusively for what happened, look within and determine how you contributed to the demise of your relationship.


For instance, do you tend to question your exes about their whereabouts because you have a hard time trusting them? If so, those are your trust issues to address and fix, not his to magically resolve.

Do the inner work to learn how to trust your own judgment so you can be more trusting. That way, when he pulls away or if he does come back, this issue won't resurface again and contribute to another breakup.

4. Let him come to you.

A man places a higher value on what he has to work for. When you miss your ex, don't make it easy for him. Instead of calling him during a weak moment, call a supportive friend instead.

The space created during your breakup lets him actually see if he misses you. Let him wonder what you're doing. He will begin to contact you because he wants to see you, wants a booty call, or misses you.


When he reaches out, either through text messages or by a phone call, you might be wondering what to say to get him back. The key is to let him talk and give him your full attention. The two magic words to keep repeating are "I understand," as this will make him think "she understands me," and possibly make him yours again.

Make sure to respond warmly but appropriately until you know what his intentions and motivations are. Avoid sleeping with him until the issues that led to the breakup are resolved. 

5. Put yourself first.

Treating your life like it's important and of value is attractive. So, put yourself first and do what's best for you.

If you want to pull away to make him miss you and implement the no contact rule, it might help him subconsciously come back to you. That's because he may wonder why you're so busy all of a sudden, and want to know why you aren't spending your time thinking about him or pining over the breakup.


When your ex comes back to you, don't just pick up where the relationship left off. He'll have more of an incentive to truly resolve the issues that led to the breakup because he wants you back.

Now is the time to address and work through these issues. Don't let him convince you that the problem was yours. Even if the problem started with you, the way he responded or didn't respond made things worse.

Do the work to resolve these issues without letting him know you're doing the work because he won't believe it until he experiences the changes. Just do the work and see how he responds.

If he responds positively, you're moving in the right direction. If he continues the behavior that contributed to your breakup, you don't want him back. 


6. Hold a clear and positive vision.

Be clear about how you want your relationship to be this time around. Then, behave and act in ways that support your vision and make you feel good about yourself.

Let things unfold naturally and stay open to the outcome and good news will come to you. If you find yourself becoming obsessed with getting your ex back, relax and trust that things will work out for your greater good.

RELATED: 7 Questions To Ask Your Ex Before Getting Back Together


If he doesn't come back, understand that there may be someone else who is better for you.

Remember: this man is not worth getting back with if he uses you, is a freeloader, is verbally, physically, and/or emotionally abusive towards you, influences you to do things that are immoral, unethical, or illegal, has substance abuse problems, blames others and never takes responsibility for himself, cheats, lies or can't be trusted.

However things turn out with this man, you will be fine. If he comes back, you'll have a more fulfilling and loving relationship. You'll have set a higher standard for how he loves and treats you.

And if he doesn't love you or come back, you are a stronger and better version of yourself. You will attract a man who is better for you and you'll be able to start dating or maybe have a rebound relationship. In either case, you will have a more loving relationship with yourself.

RELATED: 13 Brutally Honest Reasons Guys Always End Up Trying To Get Back With The Ex


Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach who helps successful women cultivate love with ease and clarity. Visit her website for more.