The Devastating Way I Discovered I Married A Gay Man

My husband had a secret, and it broke my heart.

two men embracing AnaSofiaGM / Shutterstock

I should have known by his first kiss.

After eight years of single life, I finally felt I was healed and ready to date. I carefully perused the best dating sites, finally landing on one that appealed to me.

I met someone I thought was the man of my dreams. We got married and started a life together. But he had a secret that meant our marriage was likely doomed from the start.

It turned out that the man I had married was gay.


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How I met and fell for my gay husband

After looking through several photos, I decided to leave the selection to chance, allowing the men to come to me. I weeded out the ones who seemed too weird after a few e-mails and found a nice-looking, ginger-haired fitness junkie named Jason.


His photo told me he was hiding something. His face was hidden by his hat and the photo was taken way too far away. Reading his profile I found he was into mountain biking, motorcycling, white water kayaking, and snowboarding. I wondered silently if he had a death wish and set up our first date. 

Jason lived in North Carolina, five hours away from where I was in Georgia. I was concerned that we would not get to see each other enough if we hit it off. He assured me that would not be an issue. He would rather see me in person than talk on the phone.

I was flattered that he made the five-hour drive for our breakfast date. He was on time, clean, neat, and quiet. He seemed mesmerized by me and allowed me to ramble on over breakfast. At the end of our date, he walked me over to his pick-up truck to meet his dog.

I liked him. He seemed polite, respectful, and an animal lover. What's not to like? We arranged a second date and had a quick hug and I was off to work.


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The kiss never felt right

My daughter met him briefly after our second date and instantly disliked him. The way he kissed me bugged the heck out of her. Instead of a soft-lipped kiss, It was always with a smacking noise. I should have known then that something was not quite right.

We talked for hours and felt so comfortable, our birthdays were within a day of each other.

We felt like kindred spirits. As he left he kissed me again, with a smack. It was not a deep mouth-open sexy kiss like I was used to. It left me wondering. I brushed off any misgivings as everything else seemed so great. 


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Things moved far too fast

He had a good job and before long was talking about moving to Georgia so we could spend more time together. I felt it was way too early. I felt rushed. I told him I was not ready to have sex. He was a gentleman and said he would wait until I was ready. When we made out he told me he felt so close to me already, it felt like being home. I knew he had become vulnerable with me.

His words seemed sincere. It just seemed too soon. He had been married for 25 years to the same woman. He told me she had numerous affairs. He talked about catching her in bed with a weasel of a guy. I felt for him.

I could also sense how he could withhold love. I knew that a woman does not have an affair without a reason. He explained it away by saying she drank. Alcoholism and affairs often accompany one another. It all made perfect sense. 


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Letting down my guard

I began to allow myself to be vulnerable and became totally invested in a relationship for the first time in my life. I was very attracted to him and he was to me. I was renting a seven-acre farm and an old house that was up for sale. I absolutely loved the property. I asked him if he wanted to buy it with me. He floored me when he said he would.

I was overwhelmed to the point of tears. I was so tired of doing it all on my own, and to have someone share my world brought me such joy. I felt like for the first time in my life I had a partner that had my back. He was not afraid of my ex and he loved me.

Three months after being swept off my feet he asked me to marry him. It felt too soon, so I postponed a decision till we visited my neighbor's house next door for drinks. They instantly liked each other and they told me not to let this one get away. I knew it was fast, but it felt so right. My adult children were very happy for me. Walking home I told him I was ready to marry him.


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Rising tensions and warning signs

During the preparations for our outdoor wedding, Jason became tense and stressed. He began to drink more beer as the time for our wedding neared. His best friend asked him, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

My daughter mentioned I did attract alcoholics. No! I thought. He couldn't be. Our wedding was lovely. My mother even loved Jason. She remarked she had never seen such a perfectly matched pair.

We had a really beautiful and intimate wedding. We did not take a honeymoon because we could not afford one. Instead, we planned a ski trip to Utah in February. 


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That's when everything changed

Immediately after our wedding, everything changed. Jason became aloof. He went off riding with his buddies more than usual. Spending less and less time at home with me. Whenever I brought up any relationship issues he got riled up and angry immediately. I knew this was a passive-aggressive way to avoid dealing with problems.

Two months after our wedding, Jason got angry because so much of his paycheck was going to pay for our property and demanded, "I better get to go on my ski trip in February!" I was hurt because we were planning to go together.

Six months after our wedding, two things happened that changed the course of our marriage. My 14-year-old daughter moved in with us full-time instead of half-time. Jason stopped having sex with me. He said it was because my daughter's room was so close to ours. I was crushed.


I began to put on weight because of his rejection of me. I blamed myself. Then Jason made plans for a weekend getaway with "his daughter" which felt strange and suspicious. She lived in Florida. He said he was picking her up at the airport and taking her somewhere. He did not bother to call the first night as he said he would. I felt in my gut something was not right.

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The beginning of the end

In February, it was clear Jason did not want me to go on the ski trip with him. He would not hug or make love to me before he left. When he returned he felt like a limp noodle, not even putting his arms around me in bed anymore. I knew he had had an affair. 

Our relationship went from bad to worse. He denied the affair but continued to avoid me, going to bed by 8 p.m. every night. When I suggested a romantic dinner date he argued with me the whole time we were looking for a place to go, driving me to Chili's instead. I was devastated.


He wanted nothing to do with romance or intimacy. No amount of broaching the subject would get him to budge he refused to talk about it. By May I demanded that something change. Although he would not make a decision, he continued to refuse sex unless it was me giving oral sex to him. With that, he would never open his eyes and look at me.

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The signs were all there

I began to put it all together. The trips, the weekends, the riding with the guys. His wife's affairs. He was attempting to desperately cling to a heterosexual lifestyle for the image only. He was gay. He had not come out yet and did not want to.


My anger surfaced one day while in our barn. I took every bike and part of his and flung them out of my barn. I cursed and yelled and then cried. Our marriage was over and my husband was gay.

Jason's father and uncle molested him when he was a child. His father had beaten him up for being too emotional and girly. Like so many boys victimized by the same sex molester, he continued to suppress his urges for gay sex. But he clearly did not want to have heterosexual sex. 

We were divorced after 13 months. There was nothing left.

When our divorce was final I met three other women near my age who had also married men who later told them they were gay.


The rejection and betrayal were profound. I could not compete with another man. It took me months of daily crying to process the grief and sadness. 

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Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is a heart-based, intuitive healer who works with clients who are committed to growth and positive change.