You Were Probably Raised By A Narcissist If These 11 Things Still Feel Like Your Fault

It can be hard to unlearn everything you experienced at the hands of a narcissistic parent.

Written on Jul 23, 2025

You Were Probably Raised By A Narcissist If These 11 Things Still Feel Like Your Fault Dean Drobot / Shutterstock
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Being raised by a narcissist has a long-lasting impact on people as they move through life, even once they're no longer living in the same household as that narcissistic parent.

After so many years spent walking on eggshells and feeling as if they need to work extra hard just to receive parental love when it should have been unconditional, there are many things people who were raised by a narcissist still feel are their fault, even though they're not. Adults who grew up with narcissistic parents often struggle to shake much of what they experienced as a child. They may become hyper-aware of other people's emotions and may even blame themselves for other people's reactions to things that have nothing to do with themselves. But at the end of the day, working toward healing that generational trauma is your best hope of living a happier, healthier life.

You were probably raised by a narcissist if these 11 things still feel like your fault

1. Setting boundaries

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Actually setting a boundary and saying "no" to things can feel deeply uncomfortable for people who were raised by a narcissist. It can feel as if they're being selfish and ungrateful for trying to voice their needs and actually put themselves first. It's because they've spent years hearing that their boundaries don't matter and having their narcissistic parent walk all over them and cross the line multiple times.

"It’s important for all of us to have personal boundaries. They dictate how we approach relationships with friends and acquaintances. Our boundaries help us live in-tune with our desires, needs, and feelings. We can say no to the things that we don’t want to do and yes to the things that we want to do," explained education expert Marvin Knittel.

As an adult, a part of you worries that you're being overly dramatic by simply trying to protect your well-being. However, there's absolutely nothing selfish about setting a boundary. It doesn't make you appear cold and detached, and you shouldn't have to justify or even over-explain why you're not putting yourself in certain situations. People who truly care about you will never shame you for refusing to be uncomfortable.

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2. Wanting support

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Whether it's wanting emotional comfort, some encouragement, or needing someone to be a listening ear when you're having a problem, needing any kind of support can be quite difficult when you were raised by a parent who refused to give it to you. They made it seem as if it was your fault for needing that from them and would often minimize your feelings, using them against you rather than being empathetic and understanding.

"Asking for help means fighting the urge to present the polished version of myself—the one with the answers, the plan, the calm exterior, says this introvert. It means pausing long enough to let the real me speak," career coach Nancy Ancowitz explained.

As an adult, this leaves a lingering feeling that needing support is something to avoid because it's a weakness. You're scared and may even feel guilty for wanting to turn to those in your life, but learning to ask for and receive support is such a powerful step in healing from the traumas you experienced at the hands of your parent. It's allowing yourself to receive the kindness from those around you versus struggling alone. 

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3. Needing to cancel plans

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You might feel uneasy about needing to cancel plans, even if you're communicating effectively and giving the other person enough notice. Being raised by a narcissistic parent meant that you were often made to feel selfish for choosing yourself, so as an adult, when you genuinely can't attend plans because you're going through something, it can feel hard to let others know that you need to just take a day to yourself.

"No matter how old you are, there are endless possibilities for you and your life. By changing your life and making your needs a priority, you’ll start changing your thoughts about what’s possible. Then you start to do and try new things. It’s important to find activities that are both meaningful and enjoyable for you. Remember to have fun, laugh, and stay inspired," insisted psychotherapist Ilene S. Cohen.

You weren't taught to put yourself first, so you're often pushing yourself to really show up for others even when you may feel too drained to do that. In the event that you need to cancel plans, you'll over-apologize and carry that guilt around for the next couple of days. But taking time for yourself is not inconsiderate at all. You can't show up for others in your life if you're not taking care of yourself first.

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4. Not being instantly good at something

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Growing up in a house with a narcissistic parent meant that mistakes weren't seen as something to grow from, but rather an indication of a personal flaw. You weren't encouraged to get back up and try again, but rather shamed and criticized when you failed. You were treated as a disappointment, and so as an adult, it's hard for you to try new things that you aren't instantly good at. You often give yourself a hard time when you mess up, but mistakes are not indicative of your abilities.

"Without trying, there would be no evolution, no survival. It is the quiet force that sustains us, carrying us forward even when success feels distant. In its unyielding way, trying is what makes most things possible. It is the essence of existence itself," explained psychotherapist Fenella Das Gupta.

Considering we're all human, it's unlikely that we'll be perfect at something the first time we do it. But that's the beauty of trying new things. You get to push yourself and see how capable you are. There's joy in learning, and it doesn't mean you're less of anything for dusting yourself off and trying again when you don't get the results you want.

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5. Spending money on yourself

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In narcissistic homes, your needs and wants were seen as being a huge inconvenience, and you were shamed for wanting even the smallest of things. Your parent may have claimed that you were being a "brat" or "spoiled," and that you had everything you already needed. You may have even heard that you're ungrateful because you have all of these other things that were purchased for you.

Hearing that constantly as a child has now conditioned you to feel that same level of guilt when you spend money on yourself as an adult. You question if you really deserve it, even if it's something you genuinely need. The smallest of indulgences can feel unnecessary because you were taught that your needs don't matter, in every way.

"Acting on your desires will not, on its own, make you a bad person, and putting them aside will not make you an inauthentic one. Finding fulfillment requires balancing your needs at the moment with the acts that ultimately will allow you to achieve your most cherished goals, one situation at a time," pointed out psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne.

But it's not true. The first step to relearning your worth is to heal your inner-child and spend money on something you actually want, even if it's just a candy bar from the store.

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6. Receiving a compliment

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The reaction you may get from getting a compliment isn't something that most people would expect. Instead of feeling appreciative of it, it might make you feel uncomfortable or even be a bit triggering. This is usually because growing up with a narcissistic parent meant that praise was often withheld until you gained their approval. Over time, having to work for those compliments made you feel like that's how it always has to be, but that's not the truth. Compliments are not a trap.

"The next time someone offers you a kind word, try to embrace it — not just for your benefit, but for the connection it creates. Compliments remind us that our actions and presence have meaning to others and can foster a sense of mutual appreciation and understanding," insisted psychologist Lindsey Godwin.

You're allowed to be noticed and appreciated by others. You should enjoy celebrating yourself. There should never be stipulations attached to a compliment, and you don't need to shrink yourself to make others feel more comfortable.

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7. Ending toxic relationships

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Growing up in a narcissistic home meant that you were taught just to tolerate the toxic behaviors. In fact, for so long, you probably thought those things were normal in relationships. You never tried to stand up for yourself when you were being mistreated because you were scared of the repercussions.

As an adult, it may be hard for you to end toxic relationships because breaking away from that person can feel like a betrayal of sorts. The guilt can be quite consuming, but walking away from someone who's hurting you will do nothing but create a better life for yourself. You don't need to stay in a toxic back-and-forth if it makes you so unhappy. Choosing peace means that you're protecting your energy.

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8. Standing up for yourself

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Standing up for yourself when you feel like you're being walked over and taken advantage of should be a powerful moment, but if you were raised by a narcissist, it can feel shameful. Because your voice was often met with resistance from your parent growing up, you've spent your adult life questioning if your voice even matters.

It just became easier to shrink yourself to be as small as possible and allow things to roll off your back. But advocating for yourself is never anything to be ashamed of. If you feel like you're being disrespected or manipulated, standing your ground allows you to reclaim your peace. You don't have to tolerate any behavior that makes you feel less than.

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9. Changing your mind

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You may believe that people will be mad at you for changing your mind because growing up with a narcissistic parent meant being berated for having even an ounce of indecision. You were treated as if you weren't meant to be trusted just because you may have changed your mind about the smallest of choices. So now, out of that guilt from childhood, you may hold onto ideas and decisions because you don't want to be perceived as a flake.

Even if you don't actually want to do that thing, you feel this innate need to stand firm in the choices you make. Changing your mind can feel as if you're not being a reliable person. However, changing your mind about something is such a normal human behavior. It doesn't mean you don't know what you want, but that your tastes have evolved and you no longer want to go down that specific path.

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10. When you don't have the energy to talk

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It's natural to be in a mood where you just don't feel like talking to people. It doesn't mean there's necessarily something wrong, but we all have days where we feel exhausted and just overwhelmed. But growing up in a house with a narcissistic parent meant that when you wanted to withdraw and just exist in silence, you were ridiculed.

You were expected to be cheerful and responsive all of the time, and if you didn't match their mood, they would make sure to isolate you the next time you wanted to come around and talk to them. As an adult, you've associated quiet time with something that you simply cannot do. You carry guilt for just wanting to exist in a room without having to speak, but needing rest doesn't need to be something you have to explain ever. You're not a bad person for needing a moment to recharge.

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11. Finally being happy

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Instead of being able to relax in the happiness you feel, you start to wonder when the other shoe will drop. You feel as if you don't deserve to actually be happy because of how your narcissistic parent made you feel. If you were in a good mood as a kid, you might've been mocked for it. Your joy triggered your parent to lash out, making you instantly unhappy.

As an adult, when good things happen to you, it may feel unnatural. You're constantly bracing yourself for something to happen because you were taught that you weren't someone who should even feel a semblance of happiness. Unknowingly, you may even sabotage yourself and the happiness you're feeling. But you're someone who should feel good without waiting for some kind of punishment. You're allowed to be happy without carrying these feelings of guilt.

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Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.

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