11 Ways The Modern Version Of ‘Gentle Parenting’ Might Be Creating A Weak Generation Of Kids
While gentle parenting can be beautiful if done correctly, getting it wrong can have devastating consequences.
MAYA LAB / Shutterstock As most people know, parenting is far from easy. No matter what parents do, there never seems to be an easier way to raise children. Regardless of which parenting methods they use, improperly applied techniques can backfire, causing a whirlwind of problems in the long run.
For example, some believe the modern version of 'gentle parenting' might be creating a weak generation of kids. This doesn't mean everyone should immediately give it up, but if you pay attention to where others are going wrong, you can hopefully ensure that you don't make the same mistakes moving forward.
Here are 11 ways the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids
1. Parents confuse 'gentle' with 'permissive'
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The first way the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids is that parents often confuse gentle with permissive. There are two types of gentle parents: those who do it right and those who are permissive. For many, parenting is already an intimidating ordeal. Not wanting to accidentally traumatize their kids, some parents end up becoming the very reason their kids grow up unprepared for the world. These parents allow their kids to do whatever they want.
In their eyes, they're taking care of their children's needs. However, the issue with this type of parenting often stems from what it lacks. As Jen Lumanlan, M.S., M.Ed., explained, "Permissive parenting happens when parents respond with care to their kids’ big feelings but don’t prioritize their own needs."
Parents who don't teach their kids how to respect other people's feelings or boundaries are bound to raise soft kids who don't know how to function appropriately in relationships. So, while it's great that these parents are prioritizing their kids, be sure to prioritize your own needs as well.
2. Parents over-validate their children's feelings instead of teaching coping skills
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Now, there's nothing wrong with comforting kids. Despite what some old-school parents may think, kids need love and support as they navigate adolescence. Even so, there is such a thing as over-validating one's feelings, which is one of the ways the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids.
Parents shouldn't feel the need to coddle their kids for every tear or outburst. Over-validating can cause some kids to be unable to look outside themselves in the first place. Not only that, but being too focused on comforting can lead parents to neglect teaching their kids how to deal with difficult emotions. From controlling their anger to soothing their tears, teaching kids coping skills is extremely important.
3. Parents may shield their kids from discomfort instead of teaching them to deal with it
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As a parent, it's normal to want to keep your kid safe. The world is a terrifying place, and with that, parents are becoming increasingly anxious about their kids' safety. With the weight of the world on their shoulders and little support, there's nothing wrong with admitting that you can be a bit overprotective from time to time. But even so, one way the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids is by shielding them from discomfort.
One day, your kids will grow up and experience the reality of life. As sad as it may be to hear, parents won't always be around to help out and protect them. This is why it's crucial to allow your kids to fall and pick themselves back up.
As a licensed clinical psychologist, Liz Nissim, Ph.D., conquered, "Let them fail; let them fall. Be there to wipe their tears and comfort them the same way you comforted your toddler when he scraped his knee. Let them feel whatever they need to feel. Listen. Validate. But don’t fix or solve." Let them have those uncomfortable conversations and be there for them when they need it most.
4. There's a lack of consequences for harmful behavior
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Parent do their best to raise good kids. Even so, knowing when to punish children and when to discuss the matter isn't always easy. Many don't want to resort to the same methods their parents used, as they found their childhoods traumatic. On the flip side, is discussion enough to deter a child from continuing harmful behavior? If there are absolutely no consequences, what's to stop harmful behavior from continuing?
This is a topic many parents struggle to grapple with. And while each parent has their own way of handling these situations, there's no denying that one way the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids is by failing to provide consequences for harmful behavior.
Sure, talking is great. However, depending on the severity of the child's actions, it can't go unpunished. Whether it's taking away their video games or making them do extra chores, some form of consequence is necessary to ensure their child doesn't keep making the same mistakes.
5. Parents engage in excessive negotiation
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There's nothing wrong with asking a child for their opinion. If parents truly want to raise independent children who can think for themselves, teaching them how to speak up for themselves is a great way to go.
As psychologist Carl E Pickhardt, Ph.D., explained, "Speaking up not only can empower young people as they make their way in the adult world, but it can also build a young person's self-confidence and self-esteem."
That being said, a way the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids is excessive negotiation. Sure, asking what they want for breakfast is great and all. However, negotiating about every single thing is bound to get exhausting. As most parents know, when it's time to go, it's time to go. It doesn't matter if they are indecisive about an outfit. When a parent has five minutes until they need to drop their kid off, an Elsa shirt will just have to do. Not only does it make a parent's life easier to learn when to put their foot down, but in reality, it makes a child feel less stressed, as always needing to negotiate is bound to be stressful.
6. Parents prioritize emotions over basic instructions
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Another way the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids is by prioritizing emotions over basic instructions. As most teachers know, gentle parenting can be stressful at times. When a kid who's used to being gently parented can't learn to do work because they're emotionally feeling overwhelmed, it becomes a problem for everyone around them.
As hard as it may be to hear, teachers, coworkers, and bosses all have things to do. They can't be expected to monitor a child-turned-adult's emotions for the rest of their life. Like everyone else, kids need to be taught that there's a time and place for discussion. In the comfort of their home or when they're in danger? Absolutely. In front of their teacher, who's trying to manage 20 plus kids? No. While their feelings are valid, teaching a child to center themselves 24/7 is bound to backfire.
7. Parents focus on fairness at the expense of reality
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In a child's life, parents always want to do their best to be fair. Whether it's rewarding them fairly or punishing them fairly, gentle parents do their best to create a fair and safe environment within the home. That being said, a way the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids is by over-focusing on fiarness at the expense of reality. Yes, it's good to be fair. However, it's okay for a situation not to always be as equal as parents might've wanted it to be.
No, it doesn't make someone a bad parent. As clinical psychologist Jennifer Kunst, Ph.D., said, "Life isn't based on fairness, like the weather, which is not a reward or punishment. We have choices about how we respond to life's events."
So, instead of always trying to make things fair, take it in stride. It's okay if it doesn't always work out. Not only does it give you grace as a parent, but it also teaches kids how to deal with it in stride.
8. Parents prioritize child-centered homes
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Parents always do their best to create a loving home for their child. Through sacrifice, they do their best to center their life around their children. And while this is amazing to do as a parent, it also isn't the most practical solution. While prioritizing kids may seem great, a way the modern version of gentle parenting might be creating a weak generation of kids is by making their home child-centered.
Now, this doesn't mean throw away your child's needs. However, like anything in life, there's a huge need for balance. Spending so much time on a child's needs that a parent neglects their own doesn't teach their child much. As a matter of fact, it might make them fairly self-centered as they're indirectly taught that their needs matter more than those around them.
To balance it, be sure to take care of your needs as a parent. Even if that means taking a you say, prioritize yourself, your marriage, and your friendships. Not only is it better for a parent's mental health, but it also helps a child understand how crucial it is to consider other people's needs, especially as they grow into adults.
9. Parents teach a child emotional intelligence without strength-based virtues
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Every parent should aim to have highly emotionally intelligent children. In a world where people carry childhood trauma with them that indirectly harms their relationships, teaching children how to recognize, observe, and process their emotions is extremely important. Even so, a way the modern version of 'gentle parenting' might be creating a weak generation of kids is by teaching kids emotional intelligence without strength-based virtues.
While it's important to help a child express their emotions, it's equally important to teach them to be strong. Not just picking themselves up by the bootstraps, but by instilling valuable lessons and characteristics into their child. From studying hard to never giving up, these lessons carry significant weight into adulthood, impacting them positively or negatively.
As adjunct professor, Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph.D., MPH, LCSW-R, CGP, said, "There is a lot of shame and regret that inevitably lingers when you are not acting from your values and from a place of integrity."
So ensure that it isn't just their mind that's sharp, but also the core of who they are and what they stand for.
10. Parents turn every conflict into a therapy session
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There's no worse feeling than arguing with a loved one. No matter how insignificant it may seem in the moment, arguing causes a ton of anxiety and regret to linger for both parent and child. Still, conflict is necessary for multiple reasons. From developing more as a person to deepening their bond as parent and child, conflict isn't as bad as most people shape it out to be. Even so, a way the modern version of 'gentle parenting' might be creating a weak generation of kids is by turning every conflict into a therapy session.
While conflict is unavoidable, it doesn't need to be that deep. Just like you're tired of giving a 30-minute speech, your child is tired of sitting through it. As much as they love you, turning everything into a deep TED talk is pretty exhausting and can even cause a bit of anxiety in the long run.
So, if it isn't that serious, apologize, hug, and make up. Don't let it linger, and keep it easy-going. Not only will parents feel more at ease, but their child will too.
11. Parents avoid being assertive because they're worried about being too harsh
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Finally, a way the modern version of 'gentle parenting' might be creating a weak generation of kids is by avoiding assertiveness out of fear of being too harsh. Believe it or not, many parents struggle to find their voice as parents. Nobody taught them what to expect going into this, and switching from carefree to a stricter, firmer version of themselves isn't exactly easy.
This is why some gentle parents find themselves avoiding being too assertive. They are terrified of hurting their child or coming off as mean. And while their concerns are valid and appreciated, assertiveness is crucial in everyday life. As psychotherapist Moshe Ratson, MBA, MFT, explained, "Assertiveness builds confidence, promotes a win-win environment, enhances well-being, and builds boundaries, resiliency, and confidence."
So, don't be afraid to lean into this. As long as there's respect, there's nothing wrong with being a bit stern when speaking.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
