7 Concrete Signs Your Parents Didn't Pay Enough Attention To You As A Child
You might not remember the neglect, but that doesn't mean it didn't shape you.
Lana Graves | Unsplash One of the most unmemorable childhood experiences is growing up too independent with not enough parental oversight or attention. Yet, as a psychologist, I know this kind of childhood leaves its mark on unsuspecting children, silently undermining their happiness and health as adults.
As a child, with parents who weren’t paying enough attention, you learned how to take care of yourself. A problem with a friend? You handled it. A hard decision to make? You made it. Something you needed? You got it, or you learned to live without it.
Here are seven concrete signs your parents didn't pay enough attention to you as a child:
1. You struggle to ask for, or receive, help
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Somehow, allowing someone to help you feels simply wrong. You’d rather just struggle through on your own.
As a child, you had needs, just as all children do. You had things that felt important to you and things that felt good or bad to you. You needed someone to notice or ask what you needed or wanted, so you would feel you mattered. When no one asked you enough, you learned you don’t ask.
2. You tend to be self-critical
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You hold yourself to higher standards than you would anyone else. You tend to direct your anger inward, at yourself.
Remind yourself that you are human and humans are not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Think through the situation and what went wrong.
Are there things you should have known, realized, or thought about? Those are the parts that you own. Those are where you’ll find the lessons to take away from this. Take note of what you can learn and etch it into your memory. This can be the growth that results from your error.
3. You feel uncomfortable talking about yourself
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It somehow feels better to listen to other people’s stories and problems. When it’s your turn to share, you get uncomfortable.
Children who grow up with their feelings ignored receive a subliminal message from their parents: Your feelings do not matter. What does a child do when they receive this message over and over? What do they do with their emotions, the most personal, biological expression of their true self?
The child's brain takes care of it for them. It pushes their emotions away. Away from their mom and dad and anyone they might burden or bother. And that, unfortunately, includes themselves.
4. You prefer to avoid emotional conversations
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Strong feelings (maybe even positive ones) and conflicts feel awkward, and you don’t know what to say or how to act. You’d rather escape the room when they arise.
The experience of being abandoned, either physically or emotionally, prompts a very predictable response in your human brain. Your brain automatically goes on high alert, becoming hyper-vigilant for any whiff of anything that could lead you to be hurt by another abandonment.
If you do not acknowledge and work through how you feel about the abandonment experience, your brain’s hypervigilance becomes more intense and continues longer.
5. You struggle with self-discipline
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You get angry at yourself for not being able to make yourself do things you know you should do, or to stop yourself from doing things you shouldn’t. Deep down, you blame yourself.
It all goes back to how emotionally aware your family was when you were growing up. Childhood emotional neglect can even happen in the most loving homes. All it takes is for the parents to be emotionally unaware, probably because they didn’t get to learn the emotional skills in their childhoods. Whatever the circumstances, none of it’s your fault.
6. You tend to hide or discount your feelings
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If you’re angry, sad, hurt, or upset, you tend to talk yourself out of it, distract yourself away from it, or pretend you don’t feel it. You assume these are the ways you’re supposed to deal with feelings.
One of the effects of walling off your emotions is that you lose touch with them. When you’re disconnected from your feelings, you’re not thinking about them or noticing them. You can observe yourself in certain situations and wonder why you’re not feeling something more.
You can break down the wall that blocks them and welcome them back into your life. Bit by bit, slowly but surely, in a way that feels safe and healthy, you can reverse your numbness and fill your life with color and energy. You can do this by talking to a professional or even a close confidant.
7. You lack compassion for yourself
It’s hard for you to forgive yourself for mistakes or accept that you are human and will naturally have human weaknesses and challenges.
The hallmark of the overly independent child is that they may seem fine and think everything is fine. But in reality, they are growing up without enough limits or protection. Deep down, they may sense their feelings are not registering on their parents’ radar. Their brains are adapting by essentially hiding or blocking off their feelings, as it’s their best way to cope.
Now, you are strong and independent, yes. You may feel you can handle almost everything that comes your way, and you are likely right. But you may not be enjoying enough of some vital things you deserve. The satisfaction and strength that comes from enjoying another person’s help and support, self-acceptance, self-love, and comfortable and rewarding emotional communication and connection.
Fortunately, all this can be reversed. Once you see it and own it, you can change it. You can now give yourself what you never got by beginning to pay more attention to yourself, your feelings, and your own needs. You can learn the rewards of accepting the help, support, and care that you've always deserved.
Jonice Webb, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and best-selling author of two self-help books. She specializes in childhood emotional neglect, relationships, communication issues, and mental health. Dr. Webb has appeared on CBS News and NPR, and her work has been cited by many publications.
