Kids Raised By Truly Narcissistic Parents Often Say 9 Phrases Regularly Once They Grow Up
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock Once they grow up, children raised by narcissistic parents may constantly search for the right words they believe will keep others happier and more attached to them than their parents were.
They’d often rather prevent disagreements from starting altogether because they desperately yearn for the kind of calm, respectful connections their parents never gave them.
People with narcissistic parents tend to say these phrases once they grow up:
1. ‘I’m sorry’
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Narcissists are notoriously bad at apologizing, if they do so at all. Their attempts often sound fake and rarely show any real emotion. Growing up with a parent like this, in turn, can cause their children to constantly apologize as a defense mechanism.
These kids were constantly on edge growing up because they never knew when their parent’s behavior would change. Now, they feel like they can’t get a solid read on people and want to keep the peace even when there’s no argument at all.
2. ‘Don’t worry about me’
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Most children raised by narcissistic parents grew up in an unstable home. They may have been lashed out at often, or blamed for everything that went wrong. This put them on the defensive. They wanted to stay out of their parents’ way to avoid any punishments.
As adults, they tend to be hyper-independent, relying only on themselves because they were the only stability they had. They may do anything they can to stay out of people’s way. Even if they are close friends who value them, it’s easier to tell them not to worry about them; they will take care of themselves. Don’t worry about them. They’ll always figure it out. After all, that’s what they had to do as kids.
3. ‘You can choose'
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Narcissistic parents often disregard their children. They're focused on their wants and needs, doing whatever it takes to get what they want. This can leave a lasting impression. Their children may have made sacrifices to keep their parents happy, rarely getting what they wanted. They were more concerned about pleasing their parents, which can lead to overwhelming people-pleasing behaviors as adults.
When their friends want to do something that they don’t, they’re likely to go along with it. They don’t want to bother anyone or come across as needy. As children, they couldn’t ask for what they wanted because their parents called all the shots. Instead of advocating for themselves, they’ll go along with what everyone else is doing.
4. ‘You must be mad at me’
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Parents who are more consumed with themselves than their children are often insensitive. They may take out their feelings on them, making it seem like they were always mad. This can leave children with low confidence, thinking everyone is mad at them all the time and that they need to act a certain way to keep the peace. It’s hard to trust that people care when their parents never gave them the attention and reassurance that they needed.
While I didn’t grow up in a situation like this, I certainly understand the feeling. I always think the people I love are mad at me, and I could only imagine how it feels for people who had traumatic childhoods.
5. ‘It was my fault’
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Self-obsessed parents are always looking for a way to control their children. They will manipulate every situation to make themselves look good while their child feels blamed. Children like this often apologize even when they didn’t do anything wrong. When their parents are upset with them, even if it has nothing to do with their behavior, they’ll instantly take the blame to remedy the situation. However, this creates a guilt complex in adulthood.
Adults like this struggle to admit when other people hurt them. They were manipulated through most, if not all, of these childhood experiences and are more focused on maintaining their relationships. They’ll say it’s okay and take accountability even if they had nothing to do with what happened.
6. ‘No problem, I’ll do it’
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Hyper-independence is a trauma response. Growing up in a volatile home isn’t easy to navigate, and it can change how people interact with others. Likely, they couldn’t depend on their parents for anything. They were too caught up in their own lives to take care of their children.
When they grow up, they still struggle to put trust in other people. They’d rather do everything themselves to ensure things get done than give someone else a chance to help them out. While our parents are supposed to teach us independence, not all methods are positive. By ignoring their children in favor of their own interests, they teach them they can only depend on themselves. This creates a vicious cycle that distances them from other people.
7. ‘I don’t want to bother you’
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Feeling like a burden is terrible. It feels like no one around us cares enough to lend a hand or talk to us. This fear often forms in childhood when narcissistic parents ignore their children and their needs. They act frustrated when their kids come to them, leaving them with the lasting impression that they are not good enough and no one is willing to help.
Later in life, it’s hard to shake this concept, even when they are surrounded by people who love them. I don’t know about you, but when my friends need something, I’m there. It doesn’t bother me. In fact, I believe that’s my job as a close friend. But when someone’s parents always refused to give them this grace, they may be afraid to ask for it.
8. ‘I don’t really know how I feel’
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Narcissistic parents often encourage their children to stifle their feelings. They can’t be bothered with their child’s emotions. This can lead to long-lasting struggles with processing their emotions. They didn’t get to focus on themselves because they were too busy soothing their egotistical parents and trying to stay on their good side. This becomes exhausting, and they may not realize how they feel because they never took time to work through them.
Saying they don’t know how they feel sounds like a cop-out, especially when someone is waiting for you to share your side of a situation. Whether it’s in a romantic relationship or friendship, talking through feelings is one of the most important things you can do.
9. ‘I know I shouldn’t be upset about this’
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Again, processing emotions was probably not allowed in a home with narcissistic parents. They may have shamed their children for strong feelings. They’d tell them not to cry, or to let it go and move on with little compassion.
This can leave them bottling up their feelings and making excuses for them when they do come out. Their parents were allowed to lash out and share their emotions, but often punished their children for showing theirs. When they become adults and form their own relationships, their feelings will inevitably be hurt at times. That’s part of life. But they may keep believing they can’t be upset and try to ignore their emotions instead of working through them.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
