Truly Narcissistic Parents Usually Use 5 Behaviors To Avoid Taking Any Accountability
BearFotos | Shutterstock Whether it’s failing to show love and care or refusing to offer any financial support, narcissistic parents often justify their behavior by making excuses rather than taking accountability. But almost always, they’re the ones to blame.
“To a narcissist, love is conditional,” relationship coach Lisa Sonni explained in a TikTok video. “Love is only given on the condition that the child is able to meet the narcissist’s needs. They view their children, just like their partners, as an extension of them. The children are there to serve them and their needs,” making them easy to abandon when they fail to “provide.”
Narcissist parents use these behaviors to justify their actions and avoid taking accountability:
1. They play the victim
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Sonni explained, “It’s commonly known that narcissists lack empathy. They struggle to empathize with their children’s feelings or show actual genuine love. They don’t know how to express love in a consistent and unconditional way.”
Narcissistic parents will always find a way to play the victim when things go wrong. They will seek pity from others, suggesting that they’re the ones being hurt or betrayed by the people around them. Even if they break a promise or deceive their children in some way, they’re the ones who should get positive attention and sympathy, even though it might be a complete lie.
2. They value their own needs and wants above all else
Not only are narcissistic parents self-centered, but in many cases, they’re more worried about seeking admiration and attention than caring for their children. They’ll even put their children's needs aside to ensure their own are fully looked after. This is the opposite of what any great parent would do.
Sonni wasn't shy about suggesting that narcissists struggle to be great parents, adding that “someone who loves you” would never treat you this way.
3. They shift blame onto their children
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Many narcissistic parents find ways to do less and less without bearing the burden of guilt or ever taking an ounce of responsibility. In some cases, this manifests as a lack of financial support.
“A narcissist will often not provide financial support for their children, thinking that they’re actually just punishing the other parent,” she added, referring to co-parenting with a narcissistic ex. “In that case, the children are just a tool for manipulation. They’re weaponizing their own children to harm their ex. Does that really sound like love to you?”
4. They live in a distorted reality where they’re doing everything right
Narcissistic parents tend to live in a much different reality than the rest of the world. They often spend their time making excuses and shifting accountability to others in their life, but that's certainly not how they see it.
“They might think that they’re teaching their kids about self-reliance,” Sonni said, “or that their kids aren’t affected by their inconsistency or absence.”
Crafted from both self-deception and pure delusion, many studies suggest this fantasy world is how narcissists are able to continue their behavior in pursuit of adoration even if it’s at the expense of their own children.
5. They’ll lie
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“They’ll just tell people that they didn’t abandon their children," Sonni explained. "They’ll tell people that they are paying child support. They won’t acknowledge that they’re causing their children any harm or pain.”
By completely rejecting other people’s feelings and the actual truth, they manipulate and gaslight others into thinking they’re doing nothing wrong. When you lie so much, you sometimes convince yourself that the lie is the truth.
Unfortunately, this is the reality that many children face with their parents, leading to strained relationships. Experts and social psychologists urge these children to set clear boundaries with their parents and educate themselves to be able to identify their toxic behavior.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human-interest stories.
