If Someone Always Felt Like A Burden Growing Up, They Probably Have 11 Specific Habits As An Adult
F01 PHOTO | Shutterstock People who felt like a burden growing up often carry that feeling into adulthood, even when no one around them sees them that way. When you spend your childhood believing your needs are inconvenient or that asking for help creates problems, you learn to make yourself as easy for everyone else as possible. Those lessons don't just disappear once you grow up. They can affect how you see yourself and what you expect from relationships later on in life.
The habits that come from feeling like a burden may look like independence or being the person who never asks for much, but underneath them may be a lingering fear of being needy or difficult. Even years later, that fear can shape how someone responds to affection, conflict, and all the normal give-and-take that comes with being close to other people.
People who felt like a burden growing up tend to develop these 11 habits as adults:
1. They avoid asking anyone for help
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One of the more obvious but small ways you can tell someone grew up feeling like a burden is that they don't like to ask for help. While they were growing up, they were likely made to feel like asking for help was wrong and that they were asking too much of other people.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with asking for help, but people who grew up feeling like a burden may struggle to believe that. Relationship expert Andy Lopata explained that when you ask the right people for support and make it easy for them to help, you're not necessarily burdening them. You're giving people who care about you a chance to show up, contribute to your success, and feel good about being there for you.
It's true that most people genuinely like to help others, and asking them for help is not a burden. But some people might have grown up in a situation where they had no one to ask other than the wrong people.
Some people are just not going to be helpful, no matter how much you want them to be or how kindly you ask them. This can leave an impression that lasts a lifetime.
2. They become extremely independent
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Anyone can have an independent streak, but this is particularly true for people who felt like a burden growing up. They will feel the need to handle everything on their own. Just like they don't want to ask for help, they don't want people involved in many other areas of their life. They believe they're strong enough to do it on their own, and that's all that matters.
Clinical psychologist Amy Marschall explained that hyper-independence can develop as a trauma response. People who've experienced trauma may believe they don't deserve anyone else's help, especially if they learned that needing support was unacceptable. As a result, they may become extremely self-reliant to avoid admitting they need anyone at all.
If someone has gone through the childhood trauma of being made to feel like a burden, it's very possible that they will end up becoming hyper-independent later in life. They don't know how to ask for help or trust others, making anything other than solitude almost impossible to bear.
3. They struggle with low self-esteem
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Someone who grows up feeling like a burden is naturally not going to feel good about themselves. They will most likely be deeply affected by this difficulty in their childhood to the point that they have low self-esteem and don't think very highly of themselves. This can compound the issue of feeling like a burden, making it something that lingers into adulthood.
Licensed clinical social worker Michelle Risser explained that low self-esteem can make someone feel undeserving of love and care. They may doubt whether other people truly want to support them and worry that asking for help is asking too much. When they struggle to recognize their own value, it's easy to assume their needs are a burden to everyone else.
If you don't have a good sense of self-worth, you're more likely to feel like you're not worth helping. People who grew up feeling like a burden naturally have low self-esteem because they don't think they are worth the effort it would take someone to help them. Instead, they rely only on themselves.
4. They try too hard to keep everyone happy
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If someone works hard to overcompensate for the trouble they feel they are causing, it's one of the small ways you can tell someone grew up feeling like a burden. In this case, they'll become a people-pleaser, striving to do everything those around them want so they will feel liked. Ironically, this can make the people around them feel like less of a burden.
Licensed therapist Jennifer Litner, PhD, explained that constantly trying to please everyone can leave someone feeling resentful, drained, and completely burned out in their relationships. This pattern may also make them more vulnerable to mental health struggles like anxiety and depression.
Some people may think being a people-pleaser is a good thing. After all, it means you're helping others or making them happy in some way. But this isn't true. It can be detrimental to your personal health and well-being. Being a people-pleaser is one way to ensure you'll never be satisfied.
5. They feel insecure in their relationships
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If someone feels like a burden when they're growing up, it can lead to insecurity in relationships throughout their life. They may carry the belief that they are a burden, which makes them feel less worthy and leads to relationship insecurities. They could potentially feel unlovable, or even like the other person in the relationship deserves better than what they can offer.
Health writer Sanjana Gupta explained that low self-confidence can make someone feel insecure in their relationships because they may struggle to believe they deserve their partner's love and support. These feelings can sometimes be traced back to painful childhood experiences, including bullying, teasing, or abuse.
If relationship insecurity can be caused by low self-confidence, which can be caused by problems during childhood, it's easy to see how this could be an issue for those who grew up feeling like a burden.
If someone doesn't think very highly of themselves, they are bound to have more insecurities about nearly everything in life. This can extend to relationships, where people just may not feel like they're good enough. Clearly, feeling like a burden in childhood has serious implications later in life.
6. They take on more than they can reasonably handle
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Children who feel like a burden growing up will avoid asking for help and do things on their own as much as possible. They won't want to give their family members another task to assist with, so they'll just handle it themselves instead. This is likely to carry over into adulthood. As adults, these people will still plan on doing everything on their own because that is what they are most comfortable with.
Stanford social psychologist Xuan Zhao shared research that revealed that people actually want to help others, even though asking for that help may seem intimidating. So, when someone thinks asking for help is a sign that they are not good enough to do something on their own, they're actually incorrect. Giving others a chance to help is something people want.
While it can be tempting to just do everything yourself, especially when you grew up thinking that was the best way to handle things, asking for help is important. You don't have to do everything on your own, no matter what your mind tries to tell you. There are people out there who want to be involved in your life.
7. They struggle to accept compliments
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If someone grew up feeling like a burden, they probably don't think very highly of themselves. And, of course, having low self-esteem is part of feeling like a burden. This low self-esteem will make it hard for them to accept compliments. It's hard for the average person to accept compliments, really. Most of us just aren't in a headspace in which we naturally take the kind things others say about us to heart.
Well-being consultant Suzie Pileggi Pawelski and psychology expert James Pawelski shared that we are hardwired to either deflect, reciprocate, or discount gratitude. This means that before the gravity of a compliment can even sink in for us, we're already trying to move past it or return it. This doesn't give us the time needed to savor it.
It can be hard to accept compliments, especially when your self-esteem is in short supply. This is like a perfect storm for people who grew up feeling like a burden. But there's no need to run from compliments and gratitude, even though they can feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes.
8. They apologize for things that aren't their fault
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We all know someone who apologizes way too frequently. If someone grew up feeling like a burden, this is only more likely to occur. Because they were made to feel like a nuisance, they think everything is their fault, even though it's not. This can lead to them apologizing often for things they did, things they worry could be perceived as having done, or things they didn't do at all.
Therapist Jocelyn Hamsher explained that frequent apologies are often tied to people-pleasing. Someone may say sorry even when they haven't done anything wrong because they feel responsible for keeping everyone happy and become uncomfortable when another person is upset.
Wanting others to be happy can lead you to say "sorry" a lot, especially when you think it will make a situation better. But if there's no need to apologize, you don't have to. You don't owe anyone an apology when you did nothing wrong. Even if your past of being treated like a burden tells you otherwise, it's okay to move forward.
9. They have trouble standing up to people who mistreat them
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We often think of bullies as being something we encounter in childhood on the playground. However, bullies can show up in different circumstances throughout life.
If someone has low self-esteem because they feel like they are a burden, they may even feel like they deserve this kind of mistreatment because they think so little of themselves. Being bullied has just become a part of life for them, even in adulthood, and is one of the other small ways you can tell someone grew up feeling like a burden.
According to the U.S. Government's Stop Bullying website, those who have low self-esteem are indeed at a higher risk for being bullied, as are those who are already depressed or anxious. The same is true for the unpopular or people who are considered different in some way. Again, while this is most often associated with children, it is really true for all age groups.
If someone is already dealing with low self-esteem because they're overly sensitive as a result of their upbringing, or perhaps are dealing with mental health issues because of it, they are more susceptible to bullying. This empowers bullies and makes them feel like they wield more power and can do more to shame the people around them. It is, in many ways, a vicious cycle.
10. They hold themselves back because they don't believe they're worth the effort
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A child who grows up feeling like a burden may feel there is no reason to try hard in school or make friends. This can continue into adulthood, when they will hold themselves back from excelling because they just don't see the point.
This can affect everything from work to relationships. Often, people who have felt like a burden at some point feel more comfortable hiding than putting themselves out there and shining.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin explained that a lack of motivation isn't always the real problem. Sometimes, it's a sign that something deeper is going on. Everyone feels unmotivated now and then, but for someone who's spent most of their life feeling like a burden, it may come from believing their goals, needs, or success simply aren't worth the effort.
If someone grew up feeling like a burden, they will likely face a lack of motivation throughout their life. They will just naturally not feel the push to succeed. This is not just due to a general lack of motivation, which many people have, but a direct cause of being made to feel like a burden. It is indeed the symptom of the bigger problem.
11. They expect rejection before it even happens
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If someone grew up feeling like a burden, there's a pretty good chance that they are already used to rejection. They were likely rejected often as a child when they asked for help. Because of this, they'll have a strong fear of facing this same rejection over and over again. As an adult, this can lead to ruined relationships because those who grew up feeling like burdens won't be able to trust properly.
Mental health writer Lisa Fritscher explained that a fear of rejection can affect nearly every part of someone's life, including work, friendships, and dating. It may lead them to become passive, act passive-aggressively, or constantly try to please others. Over time, that fear can make it hard for them to relax around people and show who they really are.
Feeling like a burden means someone will have a natural fear of rejection, as it is something they have probably already experienced. As they enter adulthood, they will continue to feel this way, which will affect their behavior and their ability to form relationships.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
