11 Phrases Brilliant Parents Use To Shut Down Their Adult Kid’s Disrespect
Bricolage / Shutterstock While some parents misconstrue their adult children’s independence as defiance, according to psychologist and parent coach Jeffrey Bernstein, violating boundaries, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or offering verbal insults can all be real signs of disrespect that parents deal with later in life. While it can be hard to stand up for themselves in the face of this disrespectful shift, especially if there are past wounds on both sides of the aisle, there are certain phrases that brilliant people use to shut down their adult kids’ disrespect.
Alongside the natural disconnection that comes with growing up, it’s essential to find a new balance in family relationships. Without new expectations, boundaries, and communication styles, parents and children won’t just grow apart entirely — they’ll often sabotage their bonds with each other quickly.
Here are 11 phrases brilliant parents use to shut down their adult kids’ disrespect
1. ‘Let’s come back to this when we can be respectful’
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Whether it’s a rise in tone, the presence of verbal insults, or defensiveness, if a conversation isn’t productive, there will be no true conflict resolution. Of course, arguments and disagreements can be healthy to strengthen any relationship, but only in the presence of respect and intentionality.
If parents don’t feel comfortable expressing themselves or notice emotions rising high in a conversation, the most brilliant thing they can do to protect the peace is to offer space. With phrases like “let’s take some space” or “let’s come back to this when we can both be respectful,” they not only offer their kids space to cool down, but they also ensure they have space to regulate and reflect.
2. ‘We don’t have to agree’
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Many people, especially younger generations of adult kids, get caught up in the “right” and “wrong” of their beliefs. They perceive their own values and opinions to be right, causing a lot of disrespect and dismissal when they talk to parents with differing ideas.
Especially when it comes to controversial or highly emotional topics, you don’t have to agree, but you do have to be respectful. Whether that means offering space for support, cultivating a safe space to debate, or using phrases like “we don’t have to agree” to seek understanding over sameness, it’s important to remember that many topics and conversations are vague.
3. ‘I just want to understand’
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In the face of disrespect, rudeness, or passive-aggressive behaviors, a parent who uses a phrase like “I’m just trying to understand you” could quickly de-escalate the situation. Especially if their genuine desire is to understand and support their kids, even when their feelings were hurt, or their kids’ behaviors felt malicious, it can be a sobering phrase in a heated conversation.
Listening is the key to having productive conversations with a combative adult child, but if they’re not receptive and supportive in return, space is necessary.
4. ‘I hear your frustration’
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Sometimes, adult children who lean into disrespect may be struggling with inner anger and frustration that they don’t know how to verbalize. Their passive-aggressiveness disguises their frustration, but for parents, acknowledging it and creating space for them to express it in a more vulnerable way can make conversations far more productive.
Of course, emotional validation and acceptance from parents are highly influential for well-being in young children, but that doesn’t mean we stop seeking it out when we grow older. It simply manifests in a new way.
5. ‘You’re allowed to be upset, not disrespectful’
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From actively listening to one another to leading with kindness, the best parent-adult child boundaries promote mutual respect. They may not always be easy to express, but brilliant phrases like this that parents use to shut down their adult kids’ disrespect can do the trick.
Many adult kids, especially caught up in their own lives and struggles, forget that their parents are deserving of the same respect they offer in any other relationship. Sometimes, a boundary like this can be the perfect reminder for the kind of behavior their parents refuse to tolerate.
6. ‘We’re on the same team’
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No matter what kind of relationship an argument is taking place within, resolving conflict from the same team is so important. If one side is getting defensive and trying to “win,” nobody will walk away feeling respected or at ease.
Resolving conflict is tied to personal health and well-being, but only if people can work together. From offering emotional support to actively listening and aiming to understand, parents and adult kids can keep their conversations and relationships healthier by collaborating against shared issues.
7. ‘I’m always here for you, but I expect respect’
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Holding a grudge is the quickest way to build resentment and cultivate disconnection, whether you’re in a romantic relationship with a partner or navigating a family dynamic at home. Mutual respect is the key to ensuring people take accountability and lean on support instead of suppressing emotions and lashing out.
“I’m always here for you, but I expect respect” is how brilliant parents ensure they’re cultivating this balance at home. Even in moments of uncertainty and heated emotions, they’re willing to offer their kids grace and reassert a boundary, but never tolerate disrespect.
8. ‘I’m happy to talk about it, but not with this tone’
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Your tone of voice can tell a person a lot about how you’re feeling inside, even if your words are coming across as normal and kind. Passive-aggressiveness often disguises itself as anger and frustration, and nonverbal cues are how people notice it.
That’s why brilliant parents often shut down disrespect with a phrase like this. They’re happy to have hard conversations and work through conflict, but they’re not interested in entertaining passive-aggressive language and a disrespectful tone, no matter how old their kids are.
9. ‘I care too much to let this turn sour’
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Even in the most loving relationships, resentment and passive-aggressiveness can quickly turn connections “sour.” That’s why brilliant parents tend to set their boundaries, express their needs, and use phrases like this one to shut down their adult kids’ disrespect immediately.
Of course, they care about keeping the peace and protecting their adult kids, but not at the expense of the relationship or their own personal health and well-being.
10. ‘I’m open to feedback, but not insults’
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Sometimes, expressing concerns in a relationship, working through unresolved trauma, and embracing vulnerability can be uncomfortable for everyone. However, this discomfort should stem from personal growth and challenge, not disrespect and insulting language.
Many adult children seek out accountability from their parents and expect them to conform to their every need. While that’s not always possible, a layer of emotional support and respect is, even if the two don’t agree. So, if you hear a parent say, “I’m open to feedback, but not insults,” that’s their brilliant way of shutting down disrespect and setting a boundary in its place.
11. ‘That crossed a line’
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Rather than letting random comments transform into resentment and build up over time, brilliant parents shut down their kids’ disrespect with phrases like “that crossed a line” or “I won’t tolerate words like that” in the moment.
They’d prefer to set their boundaries and move forward than suppress their own discomfort and hurt for the sake of keeping the peace.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
