If Your Adult Kid Uses These 10 Phrases, They Don’t Respect You At All
kaanturker / Shutterstock A lot of tension in parent-child relationships later in life stems from differing beliefs and values, according to psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein. Especially considering many younger generations today struggle with seeing the world through a “black and white” lens of right and wrong, their strong-willed beliefs conflicting with a parent can often spark disconnection, frustration, resentment, and disrespect on a level than in previous generations.
Even if they’re not consciously aware of where tension stems from, it manifests itself in small conversations and interactions on both sides of the aisle. From passive condescending remarks to straight name-calling, if your adult child uses these phrases, they don’t respect you at all.
If your adult kid uses these 10 phrases, they don’t respect you at all
1. ‘You have no idea how the world works’
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While natural disconnection between parents and young adult children may cause a lot of tension, as they build their own families and pull away to focus on their own lives, it becomes more bearable for most families. However, in that time of constant tension and conflict, when adult children still largely need their parents, but feel disconnected, differing values and beliefs can cause tension.
Parents have expectations for how their kids will live, and when those expectations aren’t met, it can cause tension. But adult children may also experience this struggle when their parents don’t share their new ideas and beliefs. However, disrespect comes in when these interactions and conversations are unproductive — characterized by constant arguments, poor active listening skills, and condescension.
2. ‘That’s not my problem’
Especially as they grow into their autonomy and move out of the house, taking accountability is incredibly important for adult children, as it is with their parents. They can’t blame every problem on their childhood or expect their parents to meet every need. Of course, seeking support and finding comfort in problem-solving are natural parts of the parent-child relationship at any age, but reciprocity is key.
If you expect to be supported by your parents, you have to also exchange that support in return. However, if an adult child says “that’s not my problem” often or refuses to sacrifice their own convenience to help their parents, they’re not only adding tension to the relationship but also signaling a lack of respect.
3. ‘I don’t have time for this’
If your adult kid uses phrases like “I don’t have time for this” in response to conversations with a parent that would otherwise be supportive and empowering, they don’t respect you at all. They care more about protecting their own comfort and time than about offering love or support without conditions.
Unfortunately, it’s this shared quality time together that’s often associated with relationship well-being for parents and their adult children, especially in times of hardship or turmoil, according to a 2022 study. So, the more adult children avoid this time or weaponize it for their own gain, the more tumultuous the relationship dynamic becomes for everyone.
4. ‘Why are you so obsessed with me?’
Changing roles and responsibilities in a parent-child relationship can cause significant tension, according to a study published in Psychology and Aging. Parents are grappling with the natural disconnection that comes from their kids leaving the house in ways that often strain their relationships at home, personal identities, and emotional stability. Kids aren’t sure how to maintain a healthy kind of communication, especially as their values, beliefs, and priorities change over time.
While this disconnection is natural, it can also spark misunderstandings and miscommunications for parents and children who don’t have outlets to be open and honest. If your adult child uses phrases like “Why are you so obsessed with me?” in response to their parents’ questions or attempts to reach out, they don’t respect you, but chances are their hurt and frustration are more nuanced than that.
5. ‘You’re wrong’
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While constructive, productive conversations about heated and emotional topics, from politics to childhood experiences, can be uncomfortable for a lot of people, they’re not impossible. However, they take respect to work, and that’s not something that adult children and parents can make space for if they’re harboring deep resentments toward each other.
Especially if an adult child isn’t putting in any effort to understand where their parents are coming from and to make space for them to express themselves in conversations before saying things like “you’re wrong,” these conversations can often cause more tension than they’re worth.
6. ‘You made me this way’
Regrets over parenting mistakes and child experiences aren’t uncommon for many aging adults, especially in the modern world, where childhood trauma is far more talked about amongst younger generations alongside mental health. However, if you’ve taken accountability and had conversations about healing, having an adult child who continues to weaponize them is a signal of disrespect.
Of course, any conversation about childhood trauma is nuanced, but if an adult child blame-shifts their problems onto their parents or uses phrases like “you made me this way,” they don’t respect you at all.
7. ‘You don’t know me at all’
As they get older, express new beliefs, and start making their own decisions, a parent’s criticism or judgment can make an adult child feel rejected, even if that wasn’t their parents’ intention. They start to respect their parents less because they don’t feel safe to be themselves, leading to tension that’s hard to resolve.
That’s where phrases like “you don’t know me at all” tend to come in. They’re hurtful, especially to parents who are still struggling to grapple with the space that comes from their kids leaving home.
8. ‘I’m too busy for you’
Even if their adult children don’t realize it, they’re a huge pillar of support for their parents as they get older, even when they’re no longer in the same city, community, or home, at least according to a study published in the Journal of Gerontology. However, when they prioritize their own convenience and comfort over and over again, without checking in or making space to support their parents, it can lead to tension.
Of course, parents shouldn’t expect their kids to lend them a hand or support every step of the way, but there’s an element of reciprocity that healthy family dynamics require. But if an adult kid uses “I’m too busy for you” or “I have more important things to do” often, they don’t respect you at all.
9. ‘You’re being so dramatic’
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Growing up, many of us see our parents as pillars of strength and undeniable resilience, and as adults, we forget that they’re also living life for the first time. We forget to give them the grace we’d expect in return and to support them through hard times, instead of simply expecting them to show up for us.
Supporting one another and providing grace when you can is a basic tenet of mutual respect in relationships. But if an adult kid uses phrases like “you’re being so dramatic” all the time, they don’t respect you at all. They’re not only dismissing your feelings and invalidating your emotions, but putting their own needs above yours.
11. ‘I don’t owe you anything’
While it’s true that we don’t owe anything to anyone, there are expectations in a relationship — at least, in a healthy one — that are necessary to address. Whether it’s a loving parent or a supportive friend, we owe it to them to show up and support, especially if we’re receiving it in return. Don’t harm yourself with obligations to a toxic parent or friendship, but make space for people other than yourself in your life, especially if they show up for you.
You don’t have to pay your parents back for what they offered you as a kid, but the parent-child relationship you share still needs tending.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
