Narcissistic Moms Almost Always Say These 11 Phrases When They're Talking To Their Adult Kids
BearFotos | Shutterstock As an adult, trying to navigate a relationship with a narcissistic mom can be challenging. It can feel like you're trying to walk across a minefield, not knowing which step will set everything off. You might go into a conversation with her feeling hopeful and maybe even confident, only to leave feeling depleted and even questioning your own personality. It's not usually a screaming match; rather, it's passive-aggressive and controlling comments that can make you feel as if you're a child again. Because, unfortunately, narcissistic moms almost always say certain phrases when they're talking to their adult kids.
Being raised by a narcissistic parent can leave developmental and emotional holes that follow you into adulthood. It can be hard to have a relationship with someone who made you feel so small your entire life, and as an adult you assume things will be different. But somehow, the conversations end up landing the same as they did when you were growing up. That's all chalked up to the fact that narcissistic moms struggle with the idea of their child living their own life, and it comes out in the words she says. So, instead of being able to adjust to a healthier adult relationship, she leans on familiar patterns.
Narcissistic moms almost always say these 11 phrases when they're talking to their adult kids
1. 'After everything I've done for you'
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A narcissist will do anything to not have to take accountability. As a mom, she'll stop a conversation right in its tracks the moment it starts to veer off into what she might have done wrong while her children were growing up. It implies that they have this debt that is owed to her, and it seems to only come out the moment her children try to assert themselves.
"When love becomes tied to obedience, it stops feeling like love. It becomes conditional. And that conditional love can slowly turn into anxiety, guilt, and depression," pointed out licensed psychotherapist Nahid Fattahi.
Sure, she probably did make sacrifices as a parent and showed up in ways that matter. But that shouldn't be weaponized or used as something that's being held over her child's head now that they're an adult.
2. 'You always take things the wrong way'
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Whether it's "you're twisting my words" or "you always take things the wrong way," narcissistic moms almost always say these phrases when they're talking to their adult kids. But rather than acknowledging her hurtful comments, she'll put her child in the hot seat for interpreting it wrong.
Suddenly, the issue has nothing to do with what she's said. It's now solely about their reaction to it. The blame gets shifted from her having to fix her behavior and actions to it being their problem to deal with it.
That kind of back-and-forth can be exhausting, which is why some adult kids don't even bother to confront their narcissistic mother in the first place. They know it'll just end up with zero accountability.
3. 'I don't have time for this'
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In the moment when her child is trying to say something important, she suddenly doesn't want to engage. They might be trying to set a boundary or address a concern they have, but she has no plan of actually addressing anything.
Suddenly, she doesn't have any time to talk about a situation that might be sitting heavy on her adult child's chest. It makes them not want to share anything if they're being constantly shut down in that way. The conversation ends and they're left with all of these unresolved feelings.
4. 'You're too sensitive'
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If you grew up with a narcissistic mom, rather than actually engaging with what might have hurt you, she ends up dismissing your reality altogether. She suggests that there's actually something wrong with you for you to be reacting in this way. Now, it's being made into a problem that you have these hurt feelings.
"Your relationship with your parents is just like any other enduring relationship between people. It requires enough mutual emotional awareness to make both parties feel understood, valued, and valid, and to feel cared for in a real and meaningful way. This cannot come only from your side. It absolutely must come from both," said licensed psychologist Jonice Webb.
You may begin to start filtering out the things that you're telling her and only letting her be in a small portion of your life because of how ignored you feel when it comes to expressing your feelings. Behaving in this way will only continue to drive a wedge between the adult relationship you may want with your mom.
5. 'You used to tell me everything'
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There might have been a time when you felt it was easy to talk to your mom about something. As an adult, though, because you have a narcissist for a mother, it might not come as easy anymore. You're sharing less because it's a boundary that you now have to protect yourself from her harsh words and actions.
Guilt-tripping their kids is just one of the many manipulation tactics narcissistic parents use on their children. "It is common for narcissistic parents to use FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) on us to evoke the kind of guilt that would cause us to give into their desires, even at the expense of our own basic needs and rights," Harvard researcher Shahida Arabi explained.
She takes that withholding as a way to try and make you feel guilty. Rather than actually apologizing and maybe trying to have a healthy and productive conversation about what went wrong, she acts as if it's this big disappointment. She would much rather have a version of you that's easier to control, and when that's gone, it becomes a problem.
6. 'Other kids would be grateful'
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To a narcissistic mom, your feelings aren't valid on their own. She has to compare them to others, and the comparison is never about trying to be fair — it's about trying to assert control. You're made to feel as if you're failing some standard of gratitude that she's created.
Unfortunately, narcissistic moms almost always say "other kids would be grateful" when they're talking to their adult kids. It's all a ploy to minimize your feelings and needs. You're left having to question yourself and whether you've been overreacting when, in reality, you haven't at all.
What you're probably asking her for, which let's be realistic is probably some form of acknowledgment of her behavior, is perfectly reasonable. But in her own narrative, other kids wouldn't complain at all.
7. 'That never happened'
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Just flat-out denying that something didn't happen is a classic behavior from a narcissistic individual. A narcissistic mom will stand firmly in the belief that you're just making things up. She's attempting to rewrite history as a way to try and control the narrative to be in her favor.
"People deny the reality of a situation not because they don't perceive the reality, but because they wish to express affiliation for an alternate, false reality," psychological science professor Daniel Graham explained.
When this happens, it ends up chipping away at the trust you may have in your own memory. You begin to hesitate when wanting to bring up past events because you already know you're going to be dismissed without a second thought by someone who should be apologetic and reaffirm how you feel.
8. 'Let's just move on'
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A narcissistic mom will often say this phrase as a way of trying to avoid having to confront an issue being brought to her attention. It has nothing to do with wanting to come to a resolution. In fact, it has more to do with simply shutting down the conversation before she has to actually take some responsibility.
She doesn't want to have to confront any kind of conflict, especially when it's at her own detriment. Instead, she'll quickly brush things under the rug so that things can move on. Although, nothing brushed under the rug ever really moves on.
9. 'You've changed'
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Instead of being able to see growth as a positive thing, a narcissistic mom frames it as being this huge problem, often telling her adult kids, "you've changed." If you're living your life in ways that she doesn't like, she tends to vocalize that to the extreme. What she doesn't quite realize is that it's perfectly natural to evolve.
"When adult children sense criticism and invalidation, they can develop feelings of abandonment or rejection. Using guilt, shame, or other manipulative tactics to control an adult child's behavior can cause significant emotional harm," pointed out psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein.
Adult children deserve to set boundaries and speak up in ways that they weren't able to as kids. From her point of view, she's taking her adult child's growth as going against her own comfort rather than caring about your needs.
10. 'You're making me look bad'
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Whether it's "you're making me look bad" or "stop throwing me under the bus," narcissistic moms almost always say these phrases when they're talking to their adult kids. That's because anything that's being brought up ends up looking like her child's fault rather than it being hers.
The moment that they try to disagree or even just speak up, it becomes a personal attack on her image. A narcissistic mom will turn it around to make herself look like the victim, even when the assertion has nothing to do with her and everything to do with her child.
She's implying that by continuing to act within their own interests and setting boundaries, others will see her in a negative light. The one thing a narcissist hates more than anything is people from the outside looking in and having this negative perception of them.
11. 'I was just joking'
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Usually, this phrase comes right after a comment was said that probably struck a nerve. Suddenly, she's making it seem as if it was all just one big joke when it wasn't. By claiming that it was all a joke, she's avoiding having to take responsibility for the impact of her words.
"It's never just a joke. Okay, fine, sometimes it is just a joke. But there is always a nugget of truth inside the joke. It's like how we give dogs pills by putting them inside a scoop of peanut butter. The pills are the truth, and the peanut butter is the humor that makes it go down easier," licensed family and marriage therapist Phil Stark revealed.
Even if her comment was clearly said in quite a mean way and meant to sting, she attempts to frame it as being harmless and make her kid feel guilty for even being offended in the first place. Dealing with that from a narcissistic mother can be extremely exhausting and, before you know it, her children are choosing to distance themselves from her altogether.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
