Kids Raised By Parents Who Yelled A Lot Tend To Say 9 Phrases Often As Adults
nelen / Shutterstock When parents lack healthy conflict-resolution and emotional-regulation skills, they are likely to take their frustrations out on their children, yelling at them far more often than is warranted. It's normal for any parent to yell from time to time, but if it happens too regularly, it can have a cascade of negative effects that last for that child's lifetime.
As adults, kids who were raised by parents who yelled at them a lot can often be heard saying certain things that hint at their underlying trauma. They may desperately want to please others in order to avoid being spoken to as harshly as their parents did, or they may want to simply avoid anything even resembling conflict. When you see them out and about in public, you'll often hear them communicate in ways meant to shut down other people's anger as quickly as possible.
If someone was raised by parents who yelled at them a lot, they frequently say these phrases as adults
1. ‘Let’s not make a scene’
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Adults whose parents were exceptionally harsh with them will often assume that any kind of irritability or frustration from another person may immediately turn into a screaming match. It’s no surprise, because as kids, that was their truth.
If they didn’t walk on eggshells and shift their behavior to please their parents, they faced the emotionally painful consequences. With that feeling of shame following them into adulthood, you’ll often hear them beg their partner or even their own children not to make a scene as they overcompensate for their intense fear.
2. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’
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Excessive people-pleasing and over-apologizing is commonplace for people who grew up with emotionally neglectful or chaotic parents. They spent their childhood years protecting their parents’ emotions, when their parents should’ve been the ones creating a safe space for their kids to practice processing their own feelings.
To avoid all the complications that come up when someone raises their voice, especially in public when there’s another perceived layer of shame, they say they're sorry over and over. Even when they’re not at fault and have nothing to apologize for, protecting themselves from a triggering argument is more important than honoring their internal needs.
3. ‘I promise I’m not mad’
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Yelling at children early in life can actually change their brains over time, specifically the areas associated with auditory processing. So, to someone else, hearing someone yell or raise their voice might be annoying, but it’s not the same scary threat that it is for adult kids from a chaotic household.
That’s why they’re prone to over-explaining and trying to protect people’s feelings at the expense of their own, usually by promising that they aren't mad or asking what they can do to fix things. They’re so used to overcompensating for their own fear that it becomes second nature.
4. ‘Let’s do whatever you want’
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Childhood trauma from growing up in a chaotic household can encourage the brain to perceive threats as more intense and emotions as harder to regulate later in life. So, it’s no surprise that kids from these kinds of families often struggle with being passive and emotionally dysregulated.
They’d prefer to overlook their own needs completely if it means feeling in control of how someone else reacts, because they're in so much pain from living in fear and anxiety.
5. ‘I don’t want to upset you’
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Overlooking their own needs and feelings feels natural for someone whose parents socialized them into keeping the peace.
Their emotions were put on the back burner by parents who demanded attention by yelling and screaming, and now they’re afraid to make anyone upset. They don’t want to be punished for standing up for themselves, so they continue to walk on eggshells and second-guess their own boundaries.
6. ‘Don’t raise your voice’
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Even when it’s just a frustrating phrase or someone slightly increasing the volume of their voice, someone who grew up with loud parents may be overly sensitive and defensive. It’s clear that they’re overwhelmed by someone raising their voice, even in seemingly harmless, mundane situations out in public.
When someone raises their voice, it’s often a trigger. They’re right back to the feelings of powerlessness and shame that their own parents instilled in them, which makes it hard not to shut down and immediately walk back whatever they said.
7. ‘Can we just talk about this later?’
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When de-escalating a situation by invalidating their own feelings or people-pleasing doesn't work, many people who were yelled at often when they were little resort to deflection. They try to push off the conversation by changing the topic to avoid the shame and fear yelling brings up, especially in public.
Loud voices trigger their nervous system into flight mode, and suddenly even the most harmless arguments and conversations feel like something they have to run from, so they will say whatever they think will work to table the conversation for later.
8. ‘You’re right, I’m sorry’
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Instead of speaking their mind or setting a boundary, some people who got used to being punished for expressing themselves will just concede to whatever someone else thinks. They’re trying to keep the peace and ensure someone else gets their way, all for the sake of avoiding an argument or screaming match.
Even if the person they’re with wouldn’t get angry with them for asking for what they want or advocating for themselves, they’re wired to expect and fear an emotional blowout.
9. ‘Why are you doing this to me?’
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A child's development can be severely affected by parents yelling too often, similar to other forms of emotional neglect. Later in life, they may even be at a higher risk of emotional dysregulation and mental health concerns because of this chaotic upbringing.
Even as adults, when being loud or yelling at someone isn’t the manipulative behavior it was for their parents, they still often feel personally attacked when someone raises their voice. It raises the stakes and often puts them in fight-or-flight mode immediately, making it hard to empathize and understand in mature ways.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
