Emotionally Immature Moms Usually Have 3 Habits That Affect Their Kids Well Into Adulthood
Andrii Iemelianenko | Shutterstock Becoming a mom doesn't flip an internal switch and suddenly make someone responsible and mature. Unfortunately, it's her kids who pay the price for that emotional immaturity.
According to toxic mom recovery coach Catherine Stephen, there are three specific habits emotionally immature mothers often share that have a longstanding impact on their kids and usually follow them well into their adult years. These moms are unremorseful about disrespecting boundaries and treating their kids disrespectfully, and those lessons have consequences.
Habits of emotionally immature moms that impact their kids as they grow up:
1. They make their kids feel like the parent in the relationship
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Feeling like you're the parent to an immature mom, often referred to as parentification, can stem from emotionally immature parenting.
A 2023 study concluded that this can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation, boundary setting, and relationship dynamics for the adult child. Seeking professional help can provide tools and strategies for managing emotions, setting boundaries, and building healthier relationships.
2. They're competitive with their kids
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As a parent, you should be supporting your child on the sidelines, not trying to steal the spotlight from them. A mother's competitiveness toward her child can stem from various factors, including her insecurities, a desire for validation, seeing the child as a rival, or reflecting what she could have been.
Research by Eastern Oregon University explained that competitive parenting can put tremendous pressure on children, leading to anxiety, stress, and a sense of inadequacy.
3. They're jealous of their kids
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In a follow-up video, Stephens explained, “She [your mom] can’t respect your boundaries because she feels like it’s an affront (attack) on her." She added, “So when you say, ‘Mom, can you stop that, Mom, can we do this differently, no Mom, I can’t do it this day, can we do this day instead?’ To her, because she’s so emotionally immature, it feels like a personal attack.”
She added that over time, your concerns begin to diminish as you focus on your mother’s needs to avoid upsetting her. As the child in the relationship, this is not how it should be. “Your mom had her whole life to live her life, to make her decisions, to do her things, and now if you’re an adult, it is your right to pursue the life that you want,” Stephens said. “It’s okay for you to set limits to make space for your mom to come into your life rather than your whole life being focused on her.”
If a mother’s job is supposed to protect and love her children, why do some moms feel the need to compete with them, specifically with their daughters? According to behavioral psychologists, some mothers could feel resentment toward their children due to their lack of fulfillment in their lives and can perceive their children as a threat due to their youth, accomplishments, and opportunities.
While a complex issue, maternal jealousy can manifest in various ways, potentially impacting a daughter's well-being and development. It can stem from insecurities or unmet needs in the mother. A 2022 study recommended encouraging open and honest communication between the mother and daughter, allowing both to express their feelings and needs.
“They grew up in an environment where they were to reflect well on their mom but never outshine her,” Dr. Karyl McBride wrote in her book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers," about those who grew up with emotionally immature and narcissistic mothers. ”In the process, they suppressed their own needs and desires in favor of hers.”
Even as adults, the people affected often neglect themselves and have low self-esteem due to their upbringing. Fortunately, you can take important steps to start the emotional healing process. “The best way is to deal with the emotional wounds on the subconscious level,” Stephens addressed in a follow-up video. “One of the best ways to do this is with hypnotherapy, which is what I use with my clients.”
Hypnotherapy is a type of mind-body medicine that allows you to enter a state of deep relaxation and concentration, with a certified hypnotist guiding you through the process using imagery, repetition, and verbal cues. It has been said to help people healthily process and alleviate the pain of trauma. This is because most forms of therapy focus on our conscious awareness of our trauma, while hypnotherapy allows our bodies to deal with and resolve trauma on an unconscious level.
Meditation is also said to be an effective method of processing trauma. Luckily, Stephens documents and posts her guided meditations for those who grew up with emotionally immature mothers, which allows them the space to work through their emotions.
A mother is supposed to be a figure in your life who will put aside anything and everything she can to do what is truly in the best interest of her children, whatever that may be. She is meant to be your support system, companion, and caretaker, not someone you grow up to fear and resent. If so, then she has neglected her duties as a mother.
Megan Quinn is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.
