Gen Z Has A Hard Time Supporting Themselves As Adults Because Of Their Parents' 11 Unintentional Traits
fizkes | Shutterstock Gen Z has an unfair bad reputation with older folks as being lazy or perpetually online. In reality, Gen Z has faced many challenges, including overworked parents with limited resources. It's no surprise, then, that Gen Z young adult soften have a hard time supporting themselves.
No parent intends to burn out or become emotionally unavailable to their kids, but these unintentional traits that have become more common in the parents of Gen Z. Fortunately this younger generation is also known for being resilient and innovative, so there's no doubt they will find ways to overcome these challenges.
Gen Z has a hard time supporting themselves as adults because of their parents' 11 unintentional traits
1. They’re critical
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Kids tend to internalize their parents’ criticism and grow up believing that nothing they do is good enough, and by extension, that they aren’t good enough as they are. The judgmental nature of some parents of Gen Z kids likely contributes to their struggle supporting themselves.
Often, children of overly-critical parents end up as perfectionists, which can make them freeze when it's time to step up and find ways to be more successful.
Certified coach Michele Moliter defines perfectionism as “a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and an aversion to making mistakes affects individuals from all walks of life,” noting that “the underlying trauma that created perfectionistic thinking comes in a variety of forms, and what it leaves behind can have a lifetime of negative effects.”
Moliter describes self-criticism as a psychological trap that limits people from reaching their fullest potential. She shares that replacing self-criticism with self-compassion is the first step to breaking free of that trap.
While being criticized as a child can negatively impact someone as they move into adulthood, they don’t have to stay stuck there. Everyone, including Gen Z adults whose parents messed up when they were kids, can move toward a place of acceptance and self-love.
2. They’re overprotective
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Protecting their children is ingrained in a parent’s genetic code, but too much protection can actually hinder children’s emotional and cognitive development in ways that makes it hard for them to be independent and self-assured.
There are certain risks kids need to take in order to learn that they’re strong and capable and there are mistakes they need to make in order to learn that failing isn’t the end. According to licensed clinical social worker Cheryl Gerson, raising emotionally resilient children requires letting them feel discomfort.
“Kids need to realize getting what you want doesn't always come easily,” Gerson explains. “If they can learn to bear the temporary uncomfortable feeling of being "wrong," long enough to get curious about their missteps, your kids can develop a ‘growth mindset.’”
“We don't help them grow by letting them bail out of anything that pushes their comfort zone,” she continues. “Our kids need us to teach them the value of staying with something difficult.”
3. They don’t model emotional regulation
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Parents who don’t model emotional regulation undermine their Gen Z child's ability to support themselves as adults. That's because the ability to process their emotions in a healthy way is key to success.
Emotional regulation requires people to notice how they’re feeling and process those emotions. People who can emotionally regulate know how to work through negative emotions and calm themselves down. Kids aren’t born knowing how to self-soothe, rather, they need to be taught how to do so.
If parents don’t teach kids techniques for emotional regulation, they enter adulthood without those crucial skills, and often have a hard time supporting themselves as adults. According to a study published in the journal Emotion emotional regulation is associated with greater well-being, income, and socioeconomic status.
Knowing how to regulate emotions not only helps people to maintain close relationships, it helps them get higher grades in school and achieve higher job performance. If a person grows up without any understanding of emotional regulation, they’ll have a hard time weathering the storms that come their way.
4. They don’t set boundaries
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When parents don’t set clear boundaries, their kids usually have a hard time supporting themselves as adults. This is likely one of the reasons Gen Z has trouble becoming independent.
Boundaries can be hard to establish and maintain as an adult, especially when you have kids you want to make happy. But kids need boundaries to feel safe, to create a stable and predictable life where they can grow and thrive.
Pushing boundaries is part of a child’s developmental process, as frustrating as that can be, but parents need to stay strong so the kids don't end up with too much power in their home, something they think the want, but that often adds to insecurity and anxiety.
Without seeing healthy boundaries modeled and enforced by their parents, kids are set afloat without knowing how to protect themselves from others who want to use up all of their time and energy. This all contributes to adult kids not knowing how to truly support themselves.
5. They’re enabling
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When Gen Z adults have trouble supporting themselves, it's often in part because their parents were enablers when they were young.
See, when parents make excuses for their kids’ behavior, they send the message that their kids don’t have to be responsible for their actions, even when they cause harm. Fixing kids’ mistakes for them doesn’t allow them to grow, learn, or change.
As transformational life coach T-Ann Pierce points out, “if you make up excuses for your child, your child will not learn to take responsibility for his or her actions.” The result is your kid feels disempowered, like they're always a victim. And that is not a good way to set them up for success or independence.
Parents who enable their kids by saying things like, “She didn’t mean it,” create adults who have a victim mentality, who grow up to say things like, “It wasn’t my fault.”
“Successful adults are responsible for their behavior,” Pierce concludes, which is why being an enabling parent doesn’t serve kids well in the long-term.
6. They’re not affectionate
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Withholding affection can negatively affect a child’s emotional and psychological development, which may make it hard for them to support themselves as adults. After all, humans are social creatures, which means we need each other to survive and thrive.
Psychologist and parenting expert Dr. Sheryl Ziegler explains that being affectionate helps kids develop confidence and self-esteem and learn to express their emotions.
“Holding hands, rubbing their back, and sitting close to one another is another way to express interest and love is a beautiful lesson in communication and self-expression,” she shares.
Dr. Ziegler notes that showing affection has a “positive, long-term effect on the developing child’s overall happiness including decreased anxiety and increased mental wellness.” That is one likely reason that kids who aren’t given enough affection usually have a hard time supporting themselves as adults, because their sense of self-worth suffers.
7. They have unrealistic expectations
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Good parents expect their kids to excel, yet even when those expectations are well-meaning, they can still damage their kids’ sense of self in the long term. For Gen Z, the pressure to get into an Ivy League college or become a star athlete can become overwhelming, as only a stastically tiny number of kids can achieve those goals.
A study of more than 20,000 American, Canadian and British college students found that rising parental expectation and criticism is linked to an increase in perfectionism in college students, which is not a good thing. The study noted that parental expectations had a bigger impact on kids’ sense of perfectionism than criticism.
“Parental expectations have a high cost when they’re perceived as excessive,” lead researcher Thomas Curran explained. “Young people internalize those expectations and depend on them for their self-esteem. And when they fail to meet them, as they invariably will, they’ll be critical of themselves for not matching up."
“Perfectionism contributes to many psychological conditions, including depression, anxiety, self-harm and eating disorders,” he concluded.
While setting goals is associated with success, those goals have to be relatively attainable so the kid doesn't feel like a total failure and just give up on achieving at all.
8. They don’t prioritize self-care
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Many parents neglect self-care because they’re so focused on caring for their kids, yet doing so can harm both parents and their Gen Z kids in the long run. When parents don’t take care of their own practical and emotional needs, they run the risk of depleting themselves and growing resentful.
Parents have to take care of themselves before they can adequately care for their kids. As practitioner David J. Palmiter Jr, Ph.D. points out, parenting without self-care is like waiting to put on your oxygen mask when an airplane cabin loses pressure. “I see households all across America where the oxygen masks have long since dropped and all of the oxygen is going to the children,” he says.
Kids can sense their parents’ stress, which makes them stressed out, too. Modeling self-care as a stress management tool teaches kids that their mental health is worth tending to, which helps them lead successful lives as adults. Without it, Gen Z is likely to struggle and burnout, too.
9. They’re inconsistent
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Kids need consistent parents to feel safe, both in a practical sense and an emotional sense. When parents are inconsistent, kids learn that they can’t be depended on for support, which can lead them to develop an insecure attachment style and struggle to have healthy romantic relationships as adults.
Having a sense of stability allows kids the security they need to explore their world and take risks. Kids who feel like the bottom might fall out at any time usually have a hard time supporting themselves as adults, because they miss out on crucial aspects of their emotional and psychological development.
Kids learn how to trust people through their primary caregiving relationships. If parents aren’t consistent, kids have a harder time knowing who and how to trust, which can affect their relationships later in life.
10. They’re emotionally distant
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Being emotionally distant as a parent can have serious negative effects on your kids. Kids need to feel connected to their parents in order to feel like they matter. They need open and direct communication and expressions of love and care, or else they don’t learn how to express their feelings or advocate to get their needs met.
Kids who have emotionally distant parents struggle to assess their own emotions and form strong relationships, which means they may have a hard time supporting themselves as adults.
11. They're over-worked and financially stressed
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The sad reality of life as a Gen Z kid is that their parents have had to work outrageous hours, and often commit to two jobs, in order to make ends meet. Most Boomers grew up with one parent in the home, paying attention to them and caring for them. In contrast, government statistics show that Gen Z is the first generation where more American families had two parents employed outside the home than families with one primary parent caring for kids.
Economic and societal changes made it harder for parents to get health insurance for their families, or even to attain or maintain full-time work that would qualify them for benefits. That means many parents were working two 30-hour jobs per week and ended up completely depleted when Gen Z were little kids.
As a result, Gen Z adults likely experience insecure attachments, anxiety and a feeling of hopelessness that come from having a very stressful childhood. They also likely mimic the work habits of their parents, eventually burning out and not being able to support themselves in the end.
Fortunately, Gen Z is profoundly resilient and motivated to make change. If anyone can make the future better, it's these young adults.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
