You Can Spot A Man Who Was Raised By An Overbearing Mom By These 11 Pretty Obvious Behaviors
Comeback Images | Shutterstock Especially between mothers and their sons, a toxic relationship characterized by overbearing parenting styles can negatively affect an adult child's attachment styles and relationship well-being later in life. Wives and partners can often spot a man who was raised by an overbearing mom by pretty obvious behaviors, stemming from their mother's parentification of them from a young age.
According to psychologist Lynn Margolies, mothers with a lack of connection in their own marriages may turn to their sons for emotional caretaking that places a burden on them from a young age, sabotaging their childhood and pushing them into unrealistic molds. As adults, they struggle with independence and decision-making, largely because their mothers expected them to be constantly present and responsible for their emotions at a young age.
You can spot a man who was raised by an overbearing mom by these 11 pretty obvious behaviors
1. He expects people to solve his problems
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Men who grew up with an overbearing mother may continue to rely on the women in their lives to step in and solve their problems as adults. He's used to the women in his life being constantly around, protecting his peace, and solving his problems, to the point where his own developing independence and autonomy were sabotaged.
It's more common than people realize. In fact, this phenomenon that places unrealistic expectations and emotional burdens on female partners is part of the reason why women are more likely to file for divorce than men. They're expected to do everything for their partners — from household work to constant emotional labor — and it's exhausting.
2. He struggles to make his own decisions
According to a study shared by the University of Virginia, kids who grew up with controlling and overbearing parents from a young age tend to struggle more with romantic relationships more often as adults. Not only were they deprived of opportunities to practice independence as a child, but they were also expected to conform to family relationship dynamics that gave them less comfort and empowerment.
Now, they equate relationships with overbearing tendencies, seeking out partners or becoming spouses who leverage control for a sense of security, even if it comes at the expense of their well-being.
3. He equates care with control
Many adult men who grew up with overbearing mothers who did everything for them and controlled their daily lives form relationships under that same kind of misguided attachment now. They equate care with control, leading to less satisfying relationships and more personal mental health issues in adulthood, as a study from the Journal of Child and Family Studies explains.
They replicate the dynamic of their relationships with their mother in their romantic relationships later in life, following and seeking out a similar kind of controlling relationship. While it might offer them a fleeting sense of security — they know how to engage in the relationship and cultivate it — it hardly leads to long-term happiness, well-being, and connection.
4. He has poor family boundaries
Boundaries help to cultivate a sense of personal well-being, reminding others and ourselves what kind of behaviors we're willing to tolerate and accept. We often learn how to set and respect these boundaries from our parents — the first relationship that we practice and engage in.
However, if a mother is not only forgoing boundaries and creating an enmeshment situation, but also continuing to overstep boundaries for an adult son later in life, it can cause tension in their lives. They learn to overstep other people's boundaries and often become codependent on partners and friends as adults, which are some of the ways you can immediately spot a man who was raised by an overbearing mom.
5. He needs constant praise
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Many men are "emotionally underfed" growing up, making praise and compliments more uncomfortable as they become adults. However, men with overbearing mothers, who showered them with praise for doing the bare minimum and took care of their discomfort before they had a chance to face it, learn to expect constant praise in their lives.
Whether it's in school, their jobs, or in relationships with the women in their lives, they come to expect constant praise, even if it's for bare minimum things like doing chores at home or watching their own kids. They're used to people putting their needs first, sometimes before their own, to praise them, so it's not surprising that they're offended when that doesn't happen regularly.
6. He feels guilty about rest
While men with overbearing mothers likely didn't have to "earn" love or admiration from this parent, the typical root cause of guilt with rest, chances are they were expected to live up to their "full potential" with constant busyness. They needed to feel constantly useful, whether it was protecting the peace at home through emotional caretaking of their mother or being on top of expectations from their parents.
Whether they were parentified into responsibility or sabotaged from learning independence through control, chances are idleness is hard for these men to embrace, which is why you can often spot a man who was raised by these kinds of mothers by this obvious guilt around rest.
7. He struggles with criticism
The key to overcoming a discomfort around accepting criticism is self-validation, according to psychologist Leon F. Seltzer. If you're constantly leaning on other people's validation, reassurance, and positive attention for internal security and self-worth, of course criticism and feedback is going to feel like a hyper-personal attack.
That's why so many people struggle with criticism and often get defensive when it comes up, whether it's at work or in a personal relationship — they don't know how to validate, comfort, and assure themselves.
Men who grew up with overbearing mothers who solved their problems and offered them constant reassurance around the bare minimum weren't given space to practice building emotional regulation skills or self-confidence. So, now, they get defensive when people point out their "mistakes" or ask them to do something "better."
8. He's always on edge
Men who grew up with mothers who were always watching and around likely struggle more with anxiety and chronic stress today. On top of missing out on emotional regulation skills from alone time and independence from solving their own problems, they're always living on the edge — expecting people to be watching and waiting for them to misstep.
Even if their parents' overbearing nature was fueled by their own anxiety or well-meaning intentions, as psychologist Courtney Beard suggests, it can still cause a constant thread of worry and anxiety in their kids as they get older.
9. He over-apologizes
Adult men who spent their childhoods as emotional caregivers and people-pleasers for their mothers at home are likely used to taking accountability. That's part of the reason why they parentified from a young age — because they were often placed under unrealistic expectations and blamed for other people's mistakes.
As a study from Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience explains, it's often children of controlling parents who are subject to the harshest criticism and punishment at home. So, it's no surprise that as adults they often expect everyone to be upset with them all the time, and use apologies as a way to find internal peace and stability.
10. He doesn't trust his own instincts
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You can spot a man who was raised by an overbearing mom by obvious signs like a lack of inner trust and independence. He's always turning to other people for guidance or to solve his problems for him, as his mother did, and it's obvious that he doesn't trust his own instincts.
Of course, we often learn to rely on ourselves and cultivate trust as children, so if he wasn't given the chance to practice, of course he's not going to be self-reliant as an adult.
11. He needs constant validation and reassurance
If a man is constantly needing validation and reassurance from others, chances are he was raised by an overbearing mother. He's used to his mother praising him and supporting him through bare minimum tasks, so having to provide that gratification for himself as an adult feels impossible.
Even when it comes to seeking out male validation, something that's often framed exclusively around women, men with overbearing relationships with mothers may find themselves yearning for it, too. They want to feel appreciated and seen by masculine pillars around them, rather than only by their mothers, who they may have started to resent.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
