10 Subtle Signs Someone You Love Has Narcissistic Victim Complex, According To Research
Geancarlo Peruzzolo | Pexels When you love someone and are invested in them, you don't just walk away. Regardless of what others may think, you won't give up that easily. Unfortunately, this makes you more susceptible to manipulation tactics from a narcissist.
While most think of narcissists as people who can't stop looking at themselves in the mirror, when a person has a narcissistic victim complex, they go out of their way to avoid blame in order to gain sympathy. Since the tendency to feel like a victim is tied to narcissism, it's important to notice the toxic patterns and get out of the relationship.
Signs of someone with a narcissistic victim complex, according to research
1. They keep score of everything people have done to them
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In a loving relationship, it isn't healthy to keep score. A partnership should be equal, and neither partner should hold their sacrifices over the other's head. People who want to be together work through their issues and learn to let things go. But for people with a narcissistic victim complex, they can't.
They're stuck, which is by design. According to psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner, "Victimhood is real and suffering deserves acknowledgment. But identity built around victimhood, —particularly when paired with the entitlement and low empathy characteristic of narcissism, may perpetuate the very interpersonal harm it claims to protest."
2. They need you to recognize that they were wronged
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Narcissists don't just struggle to let bygones be bygones. Because of their need to be a victim, they demand that others recognize they were wronged. If they aren't the clear victim in a situation, they'll throw a fit to get their way and change the perception of others.
Their need to feel recognized and validated by their victimhood is deeply ingrained in who they are. So, rather than arguing with them, encourage them to seek help. If they don't address it immediately, it will likely ruin the relationship.
3. They view ordinary criticism as unfair treatment
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Narcissistic people hate criticism. Any comment or cause for concern is an attack on their ego, and they're quick to see it as unfair. At heart, narcissists are hypocrites, and even if you love them, it doesn't make this behavior any less toxic.
While narcissists are quick to dish it out, they can't take it. As clinical psychologist Leon F. Seltzer said, "[Narcissists have] cultivated the strongest defenses against ever having to feel so excruciatingly vulnerable again. And so when they're criticized, or think they're being criticized, they're compelled to react aggressively, in the frantic effort to avoid re-experiencing the terrible feelings of loneliness, abandonment, or rejection they suffered when they were younger."
4. They can't admit that they contributed to the problem
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When someone loves you, they aren't afraid to admit they messed up. As long as they're honest with their partner, they don't need to feel guilty about making mistakes. But for narcissists, they can never admit that they contributed to a problem.
These folks project their issues onto others. Because they can't see their problematic behavior for what it is, they point the finger at everyone else instead. So, there's no use in arguing with someone like this, because they'll never see the truth.
5. They believe they deserve special consideration
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Healing from trauma is a journey. While average people will use resources available, narcissists would rather remain stagnant than grow. They're quick to act entitled, like they're guaranteed special treatment despite being just like everyone else.
They need praise and validation regularly, so when they see that someone else is getting the treatment they want, they spiral. They only think about themselves, and their sense of entitlement is strong. And since they see others are unfairly better off than themselves, it contributes to their chronic victim mentality.
6. They see every boundary as an example of cruelty
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When you're in love with a narcissist constantly in a victim mentality, you may set boundaries, but a narcissist will see this as disrespectful. To them, setting boundaries feels like a sign of rejection. And despite your reassurances, they think it's an attack.
While it may be hard, it isn't your problem to solve. At the end of the day, you need to protect your own well-being. As psychotherapist Tracy S. Hutchinson revealed, boundaries are the best protection against narcissists.
7. They can't stand when someone else receives sympathy or attention
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Narcissistic people hate sharing the spotlight with anyone else. Once they're no longer the center of attention, they throw a fit. It's immature, but these people can't help it. They continually move the goal posts, shifting their expectations so it makes them superior.
According to author and researcher Shahida Arabi, "Beware that while narcissists enjoy piggybacking off of the success of others, they also enjoy sabotaging those same people... It is precisely because their targets represent the success they themselves have not been able to achieve or a success that threatens to take the attention off of them."
8. They can't accept what they did wrong
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You can't help people who don't want to be helped, even if you love them. It doesn't matter how much you beg for them to change, because narcissists don't. They can't recognize that their actions were wrong, and will never own up to them.
They'll also make you doubt your experiences. As licensed professional counselor Sybil Cummin revealed, "When someone consistently takes on the victim role and refuses to take accountability for their actions, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re imagining things."
9. They hold grudges
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There's nothing good about holding a grudge, especially in a relationship. But for narcissists with chronic victimhood tendencies, they don't forgive. You could write them a 10-page apology, completely taking the blame, and it would still never be enough.
It's unfair, but logic isn't a narcissist's strong suit. There's simply no reasoning with them. They may also use these grudges as a way to fuel revenge on others, even though it's likely only perceived slights.
10. They overlook your suffering
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Narcissistic people are quick to overlook another person's suffering, even if it's their romantic partner. They have no compassion for others and it's hard for them to understand another person's perspective or pain.
Their victimhood reduces their attention to others. Overly absorbed in themselves, they struggle to see how their actions impact you. So, if you love someone who has to constantly make themselves the victim, while completely ignoring your own problems, it's best to go.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and trending topics.
