The (Accidental) Way Parents Enable Their Kids To Be Bullies

Photo: Budimir Jevtic / Shutterstock
mom disciplining son

No one likes to be bullied. Yet in many ways, it's a daily activity for all of us, as you soon shall see. Sexual bullying is simply an extension of generalized bullying, but it is behavior focused upon "perceived" sexual conduct. 

For all forms of bullying, for adults and especially children, there is an easy solution that does not require learning how to implement new skills. 

That solution is at the root of our human nature. Raising awareness of our inherent and genetic differences is the critical first step to ending bullying. My promise to you is that you will have this solution in hand before the end of this article.

RELATED: 3 Psychological Reasons Even Good People Become Bullies

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How to recognize bullying behavior

According to the bullying prevention and education site,, "Kids who bully use their power — such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity — to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people. Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once."

Bullying shows up in many forms:

  • Verbal behaviors — name-calling, teasing, taunting, judgments, and verbal threats.
  • Social bullying — purposeful exclusion, spreading rumors, telling kids not to be friends with others and public embarrassment.
  • Physical bullying — hitting, kicking or pinching, spitting, tripping or pushing, taking or breaking someone's possessions, and mean and rude gestures.

We think of bullying as being a problem that our children encounter as they grow up. Yet, as adults, one or more of these behaviors could be a daily occurrence.

For example, someone drives into your lane on the freeway. You honk your horn. They flip you off. You return the sentiment. Then not-so-creative verbal assaults follow. Oops, did you forget that your kids were in the car? Little Johnny or Jane concludes, "This means it must be OK to retaliate if someone gets in their way in the hallway at school."

RELATED: 3 Ways To Make 100% Sure You Don't Raise A Mean, Insensitive Bully

Examples of bullying behavior

Another example: At work, a manager evaluates your production publicly with little sensitivity to your efforts. The embarrassment festers within, combined with not-so-kind thoughts about your boss — ideas that are shared at home as a way of venting frustration.

Our young children, who overhear the conversation, have no way of knowing that you don't really want to kill your boss. They think, "Perhaps a form of violence is OK if I'm made fun of at school or my teacher displays my best efforts in a demeaning way in front of my classmates."

Or imagine this scenario: You are in a crowded restaurant. It's been a tough day and your calm collective self did not come into the bar with you. Someone shoves you or steps on your new shoes. A physical battle ensues. You come home with a scuffed shoe, a scratch, or a black eye. Our kids conclude: "Stuff like that happens to my parents. It must be OK for me too!"

One more: A couple you met at a party has called numerous times to invite you and your husband to have dinner with them. They were nice enough folks but you don't want to spend an evening together. You always have an excuse when they ask. Your kids are witnesses to you telling white lies to get out of a meeting.

They may have heard a conversation between you and your partner that went like, "OMG, again, how do we get them to stop calling us? The next time we go to a party, let's make sure they are not there." 

Your 12-year-old is certain this sounds like an acceptable form of exclusion. He is having a similar problem at school with a kid he befriended, but he doesn't really want to play with. He now knows it's OK to ask his other friends not to include the undesired child in their activities.

The key here is to not get into judgment about whether any of these actions or beliefs are right or wrong. The reality is they happen to all of us. But as adults, we have options our children do not. In a classroom or a fenced-in playground, children have no escape from another child’s presence. They don’t get to pick where they work or the nightclub they go to, what lane they drive in, or who to see or not see.

RELATED: A Mom Explains Why She Confronted Her Son's Bully At School Instead Of Talking To The Little Girl's Parents

The complexities of sexual bullying

Now let's add in sexuality. You're a woman enjoying a conversation with friends. You meet a new guy and are very interested in him as a friend or peer, but not sexually. He misses the "not sexually" part and makes an advance. You decline and he scurries off. Your friends accuse you of being a flirt. This is not the first time this has happened and despite your good intentions, you are misunderstood and thus labeled. A thought goes through your head, "Perhaps it's true."

At school, your daughter is having a similar issue. Although sexually experienced for her age, you have taught her how to be responsible. Some of the boys at school don't see it that way and bully her, attempting to make her a sexually promiscuous outcast. One of the boys is the son of the man you turned down the night before. Like father, like son!

RELATED: 8 Reasons To Stop 'Feeding' Your Workplace Bullies

Identifying your sexual response type

​Sexual bullying is also fueled by an energetic core influence. Genetically, people are one of two Sexual Response Types.

One of these types is called Mental/Emotional and this person's sexual energy is on the surface. People can see it and feel it. It adds extra energy to their being. It also confuses boys, girls, and adults because they think that a boy is not tough enough or a girl is flirting when actually they are simply curious about who someone is.

Kids accuse these children of being promiscuous and naughty.

Parents join in, tarnishing their children with derogatory labels, when the child is not doing anything to earn the branding. Adult women have grown up with this experience of being misunderstood. Thus they try to hide their sexuality with layers of clothing and conservative outfits. It doesn't work. A Mental/Emotional person's sexual energy can be seen and felt despite their efforts to cloak themselves.

The other genetic energetic Sexual Response Type is called Physical. There are an equal number of females as there are males with this energetic characteristic. Their sexual energy is held inside and remains under the surface for the right partner who energetically matches them. Both young girls and grown women with this  Sexual Response Type will overcompensate for this less noticeable energy by wearing very revealing clothes. They do this to compete with Mental/Emotional females who otherwise get all the attention.

When we take this knowledge into the school we foster an understanding that precludes a derogatory label. Girls (and boys) know they are not flirting or acting up. Boys and girls begin to see their classmates for who and what they are rather than as sexual objects. Perhaps as kids get better at this, so will their parents. 

RELATED: Parents Share What It Feels Like To Realize Your Kid Is A Bully

How kids experience bullying

When it comes to bullying behavior, children experience the same thing we experience as adults.

Some people they feel connected to and they enjoy their company, and others they don't. Some people they have chemistry with (non-sexual and sexual) and strong desires to hang out with, and with others they feel nothing.   

At the core of our desire to connect with someone is an energetic connection that is easily identifiable. This is not the only reason we want to hang with someone. But it is ultimately the most powerful influence.

We have all met people we instantly like and enjoy spending time with. We are energized, creative, attentive, and playful in their company. We have also met people that for no explainable reason, we are not comfortable around and who wear us down. They put us to sleep, or we put them to sleep. As soon as we leave their company our energy returns. This is scientifically called an energetic mismatch.

As adults, we can easily choose to keep our distance or withhold our friendship. But with children in a school situation, if one child wants to connect with another who is not interested, the one that is not interested has no easy way to decline friendship.

What do they do? They emulate their parents and other adults they look up to! That emulation ranges from avoidance and tiny white lies to outright cruelty and abuse. Consider the separated home where the exes are bitter enemies. Ouch!

RELATED: Mom Raising A Son Alone Drags Him To A Girl's House To Apologize After Learning He Called Her 'Fat' & 'Ugly'

How to curtail bullying 

The easiest way to end bullying is to show our kids "what" they are energetically, and that if there is someone they don't care to be around, it is not because the kid is bad, broken, or unworthy of friendship. It is because they are energetically different. They are not supposed to, nor required to love and want to hang out with everybody.

None of us are, yet our kids are often forced to behave as model citizens with total kindness, empathy, and understanding for everyone. If they don't, they are considered trouble. Unlike their adult models, they have no way out. 

Do you see the issue here? We demand optimum behavior with no awareness or admission of differences. We might as well put all our kids in a hospital and transfuse them with one blood type for all. Those that match will be fine. For those that get sick and have difficulty staying alive, we will give them a few good skills to deal with it. Let's see how they do. Our intentions may be good but the tactic is sadly disastrous.

Bullying is a real concern for children and adults. There will be people in our lives that we choose not to spend time with, work with or communicate with.

This is both a natural and an energetic decision that is as influential as choosing the correct blood type. Knowing what we are energetically is as important as being aware of our differences in heritage, religion, physical aptitude, and academic achievement. We must be aware of why we make our choices so we can live peacefully and joyfully. There is no better time than the present.

RELATED: After A Mom Learned Her Son Was Being Bullied At School, She Took Him Out For A Fun Day—People Say She Just 'Avoided’ His Problems

Larry Michel is the Founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics and a Relationship Restoration Counselor, helping individuals, couples, and companies discover the deepest influences that drive their relationships to flourish.