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Why doesn't he want to have sex?
By Susan Bratton — Written on Nov 04, 2016
"She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.”
When I analyzed this data about why men stop having sex, the results shocked me. You're not going to believe what the real reasons why men are no longer sleeping with their wives.
What I’m about to tell you is the story of how the brain’s inherent biases cause people to guess wrong about reasons why their partner is not sleeping with them.
There are as many men who suffer from diminished libido as there are women. It’s not all tied to hormones, that’s just a small part of what might be suppressing a man’s desire.
Here are the reasons men state they stopped having sex:
1. They have erectile or orgasm issues.
According to Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, The Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It, the reasons men say they stopped are NOT most commonly because of erectile or orgasm issues.
- Erectile Dysfunction: Thirty percent of men report this, while 39 percent of women assume the same for their husbands.
- Premature Ejaculation: Sixteen percent of men and 20 percent of women report this as the reason.
- Delayed Ejaculation or Inability to Ejaculate: Fifteen percent of men admit to this, while 27 percent of women assume the same.
2. They're depressed.
Thirty-four percent of men report depression, and 57 percent of women say the same for their husbands. Some medication also lowers libido, as reported by 21 percent of men and 26 percent by women.
It’s not that these men are gay (only 1 percent of men report being gay, and 2 percent of women who assume their husbands are gay).
They're not busy either (only 6 percent of men say they are too busy for sex, while 18 percent of women assume their husbands are too busy for sex.
Sometimes, they're just not interested in sex to begin with (3 percent reported).
Some are not as interested in connecting with another individual (25 percent of men say they prefer to masturbate, but not online, and another 25 percent say they prefer to masturbate to porn).
But the large majority of reasons why men do not want sex with their partner:
3. She's not sexually adventurous enough for me: Reported by 68 percent of men and 14 percent of women.
4. She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex: Reported by 61 percent of men and 10 percent of women.
5. I’m interested in sex, but not with my wife: Reported by 48 percent of men and 25 percent of women.
6. I’m angry at her: Reported by 44 percent of men and 45 percent of women.
7. I’m bored: Reported by 41 percent of men and 31 percent of women.
8. She's depressed: Reported by 40 percent of men and 36 percent of women.
9. I no longer find her sexually attractive: Reported by 32 percent of men and 40 percent of women.
10. I am/was having an affair: Reported by 20 percent of men and 19 percent of women.
11. She is/was having an affair: Reported by 9 percent of men and 19 percent of women.
The bottom line is: Men generally do want sex, according to the book’s authors.
What this means is that if you have a partner whose desire is diminished, it’s best to start talking and listening.
"We found that ED, depression, anger, discovering a computer downloaded with pornography, or even an affair was usually not reason enough to call a divorce lawyer," says Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D.
The small population that did divorce said they were ANGRY.
Bob went on to explain, "They were also more likely to identify as bored, on medication, and depressed and to believe their spouses were unfaithful. They reported slightly less sexual dysfunction, perhaps indicating that they weren’t as fearful of competing in the world of single men."
Why do women think their partners stopped?
Look at the data. When you compare what she thinks the issues are compared to what he reveals, the big disconnect comes from these key areas:
- She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me: 68 percent versus 14 percent.
- She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex: 61 percent versus 10 percent.
- I’m interested in sex, but not with my wife: 48 percent versus 25 percent.
So what can you do?
The same reasons women stop wanting men are rooted in boredom. Lack of passion can be reversed. The same steps that work in my Revive Her Drive system work for him:
Get Your Polarity Back (at least in the bedroom)
Return To Romance (remember why you fell in love)
Re-Awaken Your Sensual Selves (get out of your heads and into your body sensations)
Begin To Seduce Each Other Again (move toward pleasure together)
Sexual Mastery Skills (learn new sexual techniques to get better in bed and avoid boredom)
You have the power.
Knowledge is powr inside and outside the bedroom.
If you are no longer attracted to your wife, or you suspect that your husband is not longer attracted to you, you can start with listening — and these steps.
This is a solvable problem. Start solving it.
Step one: Start talking some and listening more.
NOTE: The researchers did not take into account issues such as sexual abuse or the shame that comes from religious or familial repression. If this is your situation, a YourTango sexual therapist could provide breakthrough support for you. Search YourTango Experts.
Susan Bratton is an advocate for men and women who want more passion and intimacy. If you want to learn how to do the above steps, here is a link to learn more.
