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Using the Enneagram to be your best can show you the way to true love.
By Roland Legge — Written on Sep 11, 2020
How do Enneagram types influence healthy relationships?
When all the excitement and passion of falling in love have waned, you start seeing your partner's peculiarities. They remind you of your imperfections, and it's tempting to run.
With the help of the Enneagram, you can increase your chances of having healthy relationships.
Instead of focusing on finding your perfect partner, it's about learning to be your best self.
No type is better or worse than another. Once you acknowledge your issues and challenges, the Enneagram can help you find balance again.
In the end, it's all about self-discovery, honesty, and taking 100-percent responsibility for yourself. Only then can you attract healthier people.
Here are the 9 paths to healthy relationships, based on Enneagram types.
Type 1: The Reformer
Integrity is critical for you. You have a hunger to do what's right. For you, everything needs doing correctly.
You're a natural teacher. It's best to be careful of how you convey your knowledge on better ways of doing things. You do it out of love, but others only hear it as nagging and criticism.
The good news is that as you become more forgiving of yourself, you're going to be more easily forgiving of others.
If you have a Type 1 in your life, encourage them to stop being hard on themselves. Let them know when you're experiencing them as being too critical.
Just remember that when they correct you, they are usually doing it out of love.
Type 2: The Helper
Nothing makes your day more than someone saying, "thank you" for something you've done for them. You get into trouble in relationships when you get clingy, because you're afraid of not being loved in the way you expect.
To have healthy relationships, you need to focus on loving yourself. Think, for a moment, about what makes you happy. What fills you with joy?
The best gift you can give yourself and your partner is space. The more you learn to enjoy your own company and take responsibility for your personal needs, the better chance you have of attracting a healthy person.
If you know a Type 2, encourage them to take care of themselves. Remind them that they are worth it, just for being who they are.
Type 3: The Achiever
You're energetic, creative, playful, competitive, a motivator, and a great leader! You improve the life of any organization when you're at your best.
When under stress, you begin to hide your true self. When you're desperate to succeed, you'll do anything you think you need to do to be a success.
What you can do to get healthier is to take time to slow down and care for yourself. Not everything has to be a competition.
The challenge for the Type 3 is to follow inner wisdom, instead of getting caught up in the ego. When caught in ego, you often bond with people you think help make you successful.
It never has a happy ending when you use others to make you successful.
If you know a Type 3, encourage them to take a nap or just to sit and do nothing. Challenge them to take time to notice what's going on inside them.
Encourage them to let go of their constant need to compete and finally help them see the feelings they're trying to avoid.
Type 4: The Individualist
Being your authentic self is essential for Type 4s. You're always looking for people to have conversations about what you consider to be deep and meaningful.
You like to express your feelings through your creativity and show it in many ways through writing, painting, photography, and other creative endeavors.
When you're under stress, you get confused between what you think you need to feel, versus what you feel. The more you stay in your body, the more present you will be, and the less likely you're going to get stuck in your heavy moods of despair.
When you start feeling good about yourself, you're more likely going to attract a person who has a healthy image of themselves.
If you have a Type 4 partner, encourage them to express their creativity. Invite them to join in any practice that helps them get in touch with the sensations of their body. Encourage them to focus on what's working in the relationship, instead of what's not working.
Type 5: The Investigator
You love to learn. You're curious because there's always something more. You want to go deep into whatever subject you choose.
The trouble is when you're under stress, you get more fearful of sharing what you learned for fear of looking like a fool.
When a Type 5 learns to trust you, you'll have a hard time stopping them from talking. Sometimes, they forget they have physical needs. It's easy for them to get stuck in their fantasy world where they feel safe from the messiness of life.
If a Type 5 wants to find a healthy partner, it's essential to get grounded in their bodies so they can take care of their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.
Let them know you're interested in what they're learning. Encourage them to tell you what's going on in their head, even if they don't think they finished their research. Help them realize that they'll be heard and respected.
Type 6: The Loyalist
You see problems before they happen. You love to get everyone working together and make sure they're working as a team. At your best, you're courageous and listen to your inner wisdom.
Your mind is quiet and your heart is open. You take on anything that's going to make your family, community, country, and the world a better place.
As you move into stress, it's easy for you to get anxious and nervous. As you lose connection with yourself, you find it harder to trust your intuition.
If you want a healthy relationship, you need to find ways to quiet your mind, find a body practice to help you pay attention to your intuition, and find the courage to feel your emotions.
When you're not well, you unintentionally push people away. Out of your desperation to feel safe, you overly attach to your friends, which drives them away.
If you're in a relationship with a Type 6, encourage them to risk slowing down so they can feel what's going on. Listen to them carefully when they describe the intense feelings of helplessness and fear they experience.
Don't try to fix them. Just let them know how difficult and painful it sounds.
Type 7: The Enthusiast
You're curious, playful, spontaneous, creative, and energetic. When you're with a Type 7, you're going to have a good time. You attract people easily, because you make sure everyone has a good time.
Often, Type 7's are charismatic people who naturally draw people to them. The trouble begins for you when you become desperate to keep the adrenaline going to avoid the messy feelings.
If you want to attract an excellent mate, you need to balance your need for fun with your own inner need to work through your pain. The good news is, the more you face your pain, the more balanced your life will be.
In the end, you'll still be a curious person and love to have a good time. But, this time, it will be more balanced and you'll no longer be doing to avoid pain but to get the most out of life.
If your partner is a Type 7, you can encourage them to be vulnerable with you. The more they can open their heart to you, the more real they can be with you.
Encourage them to slow down. You can dare them to cut down their schedule by 50 percent to open them up to face their pain.
Type 8: The Challenger
You're a mover and shaker in the world. You have a big heart, but when you're stressed, you can be intimidating.
If you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to learn to be vulnerable. It will help your partner to let them know what is going on inside you.
But before you can help your partner understand what is happening, you need to admit it to yourself. You need to open your heart to your partner, so they can discover that underneath your rough exterior is a gentle, kind, loving, and compassionate person.
If you have a Type 8 partner, you can let them know that you have their back and you trust that they'll always be there for you. When you stand up to them, they will love you for it.
Type 9: The Peacemaker
You're hungry for peace in all aspects of life. You're a great mediator, because you can understand many different perspectives.
If you want a healthy relationship, it will be essential for you to value yourself. The trouble is that many Type 9s have difficulty respecting themselves.
It helps if you show up each day, bringing your best to the world and your best to your partner.
If you want a great relationship, you will need to let your partner know what you need. It's essential to express your desires, wishes, preferences, and even sharing the names of your favorite restaurants.
You attract healthier people when you reveal your true self every day. When you're your true self, you stop appeasing people to keep the peace.
If you have a Type 9 partner, you encourage them to let you know what they want. Reassure your loved one that no difference of opinion is going to cause you to reject her or him.
The Enneagram helps you discover old habits that prevent you from connecting deeply with another, because you're lying about who you are.
Most importantly, the Enneagram helps you to connect with your three centers of intelligence.
Your body, through its sensations, helps you be present at the moment.
Your heart enables you to feel your emotions in the moment and discover what gives you joy, peace, and meaning.
- Your quiet mind helps you to connect with your higher self.
When your three centers of intelligence are online, you can be present. When you're present, you reveal your true self to those you meet.
You naturally begin to attract people who are revealing their true nature.
When two healthy people come together, there's no hiding who they are, no pretending to be someone they are not, and a commitment to individual and growth as a couple.
You then have a great chance to have an excellent relationship, because you're bringing your best selves forward into the partnership.
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Roland Legge is a life coach who offers coaching through REL Consultants for individuals, couples, families, and executives to help them to be the best they can be. For more information, please arrange for a free 30-minute discovery call by sending an email.
This article was originally published at REL Consultants. Reprinted with permission from the author.