How To Know Exactly What He Needs In A Relationship, Based On His Enneagram Type

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Love, Self

It will bring you closer than ever!

The Enneagram test is a great tool to help you deepen your relationship with your man.

Discovering your personality type helps you to become conscious of your behavior — both positive and negative. Once you shine the light on your unconscious, you then have a choice about how you respond to the stresses of life.

The Enneagram helps you to live in the present. It helps you to be grounded and free to follow the desires of your higher self and live out of courage, rather than fear.


RELATED: The Enneagram Type Most Likely to Have Anxiety and How to Heal


Learning about the type of the person you love gives you suggestions as to how you can love them, support them, encourage them and help to bring out the best in them. Most importantly, it can help you to communicate with them better.

An excellent online test is available through the Enneagram Institute. There is a small fee for this test. Or, you can learn more about the nine Enneagram types and take a free version of the test here

If your special man is not open to studying the Enneagram, you can make an educated guess as to what type he is. But be cautious! Remember this is only a guess. He is the only person who can truly decide what type he is.

After you've spent time discovering what Enneagram types you both are, here are some suggestions to enhance your relationship with your partner:

1. The Reformer

If your partner is the Reformer, you can show your love for him by taking an interest in what he is passionate about. He is probably trying to make your life better. He has a strong sense of what is the best way to improve our individual lives and the life of the whole world.

You will be appreciated by your partner when you take responsibility for your part in the relationship. He will love you when you tell him that you value his advice, and you will bring a smile to his face when you acknowledge his achievements.

In the long run, he will appreciate it when you gently encourage him to lighten up and laugh when he gets uptight.

Remember that he is the hardest on himself. When he is trying to correct you, remember this is one of the ways he shows his love for you. Encourage him to be gentle with himself — and with you.

At his best: the Reformer partner is faithful, helpful, loyal, conscientious, dedicated, and has a great sense of humor.

At his worst: He can be critical, uncompromising, nit-picking, argumentative, and have a high expectation of others.

2. The Helper

If your partner is the Helper, you can show your love for him by letting him know how much you love him as often as it feels honest and real, by giving him specific examples of the things you appreciate.

He has a tendency to live vicariously through you. So when you acknowledge his problems with compassion, this will help him to pay attention to his own needs.

Encourage him to take time to care for himself. Let him know how important it is for you to know what his interests and passions are.

Just remember to be gentle when you criticize him. He is emotionally sensitive.

At his best: He will be generous, warm, appreciative, playful and nurturing since he has a natural ability to know what you need. Helpers are naturals at making their partners feel special and loved.

At his worst: He is needy, controlling, possessive and insincere.

3. The Achiever

If your partner is the Achiever, let him know that you are proud of his achievements — and be specific!

Let him know how you love to be around him. Let him know how good he looks. He is always concerned with how others see him.

He will warm up to you when you let him know how much you appreciate all that he does for you.

He appreciates you when you respect his need to work alone. Encourage him to slow down as he is always at risk to be a workaholic. Helping him to keep his environment calm and peaceful is one of the greatest gifts you can give him. He will appreciate honest feedback as long as it offered with care and compassion because he can get very defensive if provoked. Be gentle in how you encourage him.

At his best: He is playful, creative, energetic, responsible, and giving.

At his worst: He is overly preoccupied with work, self-absorbed, defensive, impatient, and dishonest.

4. The Individualist

If your partner is the Individualist, you can show your love for him by having a heart to heart conversation. He will love you for recognizing the beauty and creativity in his life.

Respect him for his particular gifts and skills. He will feel your love for him when you notice his unique gifts of intuition and vision.

If you want to make his day, shower him with compliments — but only as long as you are being honest. Anything that helps him to feel special will uplift his spirit.

When he gets into one of his moods, you can help him by gently encouraging him to come out of it. He will need you to help him to lighten up his life.

Please don’t tell him that he is overly sensitive or that he is overreacting. This will only make things worse.

At his best: He is creative, empathic, gentle, playful and witty.

At his worst: He is moody, depressed, angry, self-righteous, emotionally needy and overly critical.

5. The Investigator

If your partner is the Investigator, you can show your love for him by talking to him about something that he knows a lot about. Find out what he is passionate about. He will talk with you for hours on these subjects and love every moment.

Instead of inviting him out to a party where he won’t know anyone, take him out for a quiet dinner with just the two of you, or invite him to your house for dinner. He will love you for it!

Give him lots of time to be on his own. He is most likely an introvert and needs alone time to recharge his energy.

If you want to have a conversation with him, give him lots of time to respond back to you. He will appreciate your patience.

On that same note, please don’t give him too much information. He will love you if you can say things simply and concisely.

At his best: He is a great observer, teacher, researcher, thinker, kind, perceptive and creative.

At his worst: He is contentious, suspicious, cynical and withdrawn.


RELATED: Which Enneagram Personality Type Are You? (And How It Affects Your Relationships And Love Life)


6. The Loyalist

If you partner is the Loyalist, he will love you if you listen to him carefully. Let him know how much you appreciate the effort he makes to keep you both safe since safety and security are critical to him.

Join him in his interest to make the world a better place. He has a passion for social justice and is always looking for ways to help others, especially those pushed to the fringes of society.

Show your appreciation for his dedication to fixing problems before they become serious. He is a great problem solver.

He also has a great sense of humor. Join him in his silliness, and he will love you for it.

Have compassion for his tendency to be anxious. Re-assure him often that everything is going to be okay as long as you are being honest.

It will help your relationship with him to be direct and clear in all your communication with him. He will always be grateful when you do this. Just don’t expect him to read your mind. He can’t!

At his best: He is funny, dependable, hardworking, playful, hopeful, warm, supportive, and honest.

At his worst: He is needy, anxious, insecure, fearful, sarcastic, and controlling.

7. The Enthusiast

If your partner is the Enthusiast, he will love you for joining in the many adventures in life. If you join him in his hunger for fun and play, he will enjoy your company.

Don’t dwell too much on the difficulties of life. He would instead have you focus on the good things. If you don’t drag him down, he will be a lot of fun to be with. He doesn’t like dealing with the unpleasant parts of life.

He is the center of any party and loves to have fun. He is adventurous! He is curious! He is always looking for new and exciting experiences, and he will like it if you join him in his many adventures.

Show appreciation for his big picture visions. Let him enjoy it before you ask him any questions. The more you get caught up in his ideas, the more he will engage with you.

Just don’t try to change him! This will backfire. Accept him for who he is, and he will reward you with his attention.

The Enthusiast's struggle to slow down. If you can help him to slow down and work through his emotional and social pain, you will help him to be more grounded and clear in what he really needs.

The most significant gift you can give him is affection, companionship, and freedom. If you try to control him, he will disappear out of your life.

At his best: He is fun, playful, energetic, adventurous, outgoing, fun and generous.

At his worst: He is irresponsible, narcissistic, opinionated and distracted. He will have a hard time finishing anything he started.

8. The Challenger

If your partner is the Challenger, you can show your love for him by being honest and upfront with him. He doesn’t mean to intimidate you. Sometimes his self-confidence comes across as pushy and aggressive.

Your Challenger has a big heart. If you join him in his support for those he sees as the underdog, you will gain his respect and open his heart.

Remember though, these same traits make him vulnerable and sensitive. Help him to let go of his emotional wall. Notice and acknowledge his tender side. He will be grateful for your unconditional love.

He will appreciate you when you stand up to him and will also be grateful when you stand with him in his hour of need.

Let him know how much you appreciate him, but don’t overdo it. He doesn’t enjoy being flattered.

He often speaks with confidence, but don’t let his loud voice intimidate you. That’s just how he is.

At his best: He is healthy, courageous, honest, caring, loyal, dependable, generous and supportive.

At his worst: He is demanding, arrogant, uncompromising, and combative.

9. The Peacemaker

If your partner is the Peacemaker, you can show your love for him by giving him time to respond to your questions and queries.

Show him how much you appreciate knowing what he is thinking. Let him know over and over that you value knowing what interests him. Even something as small as asking what restaurant does he like to go out to for supper.

Let him know how much you rely on him being upfront and honest with you. Reassure him that your love runs deep, and you won’t allow any conflict from getting in the way of your relationship. For him, conflict can feel very threatening.

Tell him how handsome he looks. Hug him, and show emotional affection. He will open his heart up to you.

He loves good discussions, as long as you don’t get confrontational. He is invested in everyone getting along.

That’s why he often finds it hard to make decisions — because he knows all the positives and negatives of making a particular decision. Let him know that you recognize how hard it can be to make a decision, while still encouraging him to make hard choices. And help him to not be so hard on himself.

At his best: He is calm, peaceful, gentle, kind, supportive, loyal and nonjudgmental.

At his best: He is stubborn, passive-aggressive, overly accommodating, and defensive.


RELATED: Discover Your True Self Through This Ancient Enneagram Quiz


All of us have all nine types in us. No matter what kind your partner is, all these suggestions can benefit your relationship.

Do not use the Enneagram to justify your own behaviors or use it to attack your partner about theirs. The Enneagram is more like a map showing you the way to a healthier and more joyful life. It is about building each other up. It is about bringing out the best in each other.

You will benefit the most from the Enneagram discovery process when you are both open to it and studying it together.

Learning about the Enneagram together is the best way to understand yourselves and each other. I would recommend The Modern Enneagram by Kacie Berghoef and Melanie Bell, and also The Enneagram Made Easy by Renee Baron and Elizabeth Wagele

If he is not interested in learning the Enneagram, go ahead and learn about it yourself. Getting healthier and more knowledgeable will help you in improving your relationship with him.

The Enneagram is a productive tool. When used, it can help you and those you love to be your best both individually, as a couple and in groups. May it enrich your life and your relationship with the man you love.

Roland Legge offers life and executive coaching through REL Consultants for individuals and organizations to help them to be the best they can be. For more information, please arrange for a free 30-minute discovery call by phoning Roland at 306-620-7478 or click on “Discovery Call” to book a time on his calendar

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