How I Learned To Breathe Again In The Wake Of My Brother's Suicide

The beginning of October holds the anniversary of my brother’s death. He died by suicide — before I turned 20 — on his 25th birthday.

Even after all these years, I have complicated feelings about his death. I am still learning how to breathe in the wake of his suicide, but not for the reasons you might think.

Every year, I think about my brother and the role he played in my life. On his birthday this year, I received acupuncture.

Could this energy work help me let go of any suppressed grief or other emotions? The session included tuning forks, sound bowls, and needles.

The goal was to find an opening in my psyche that would help release unhealthy energy trapped in my body and mind.

How can acupuncture help in the suicide aftermath?

One tiny needle called a Press Tack, was left in my wrist. It was secured under breathable tape and would last for a couple of days.

This little needle would possibly help me continue processing old emotions. The tiny tack caused more discomfort than the longer needles.

Was this an indication of what was to come shortly?

While resting with the needles in place, I had the awareness of how I once felt: angry and stressed. This was in direct opposition to how most of my days now are experienced in peace.

In my current life, calm is disrupted only occasionally. It is usually when I look at some of my relationships.

Should I do more? Could I have done more?

I left the appointment with an introspective and positive mindset. Later in the day, I received news that someone I care about had committed suicide on the anniversary of my brother’s death.

I felt a distant memory come to life. Loss and confusion again bubbled up in my thoughts. I didn’t know where to file the information.

How do you find peace in suicide aftermath? Here are 5 ways:

1. Know that your loved one is no longer suffering

This might be the insight I value most. My brother suffered greatly and now he is at peace.

2. Get professional help

There are many professionals that can help families recover from a loss. If you're struggling, reach out to a mental health professional.

Photo: cottonbro studio/Pexels

3. Remember that your loved ones are still with you even after death

They have an expanded awareness and are in a different form, but are still a part of your life.

4. Continue communicating with your loved one

Talk to them. Ask for signs from them. Look for them in your dreams.

5. Allow yourself to grow

Intertwined with every loss, including suicide, is the potential for spiritual growth and an expanded view of love.

Finding peace where grief once lived might be one of our greatest lessons in healing and compassion.

I recalled how disoriented I felt at my brother’s memorial service.

My family was with me but I was lost in a place no one could touch me. I was caught in a tsunami of panic and overwhelming sadness. I could not find any stability.

In the churning dark water, people, emotions, and logic were haphazardly tossed about, arms and legs askew. Nothing made sense.

I can still feel how my breath caught in my throat. It felt like my head would explode, the only release was crying.

I know people reached out, but on that day, at least for a couple of hours, I was on my own.

Of course, my family couldn’t touch me. I was grieving, not just the loss of my brother, but the absence of any true connection or deep emotional bond with family.

I was facing not just the pain of losing someone, but how devastating mental illness can be for many generations in one family.