Love, Sex

Why Sexting And Sleeping Around Will NEVER Help You Find 'True Love'

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couple having sex

By Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC, a nationally-known psychotherapist, author of five self-help books, and frequent expert media guest.

Far too many women today think it’s okay for men to send them sexually explicit texts and messages, or to send them to men... and that's a real problem.

I also do not buy the notion that women and men are no different from one another when it comes to sex, and that the newfound freedom of women today to hook up frequently with random men is a positive thing.

Sexting dehumanizes relationships, reducing them to pornographic images on a small screen, devoid of any real love or intimacy.

The real cultural message those texts send is that love, commitment, and monogamy are hopelessly old fashioned, no longer necessary or even wanted in today's modern dating and hookup scene.

But though both men and women are losers in this new culture of open sexuality and promiscuity, women are by far the biggest losers.

In their intensely private moments, women tell me that putting their sexuality out front has gained them nothing and that when they do, men don't stick around for the deeper relationships that they crave.

They tell me that the pressure to have sex almost as soon as they meet a new man is INTENSE, and that they fear if they do not comply, so many other women out there will.

They share their emotional insecurities with me — the raw, overly vulnerable feelings that intensify when they fail to hold out for love and commitment before giving themselves away.

Are these guys who jump into bed on the first, second, or third date (or hook up without bothering to even have a date) evil and bad?

For the most part, no. Men are guilty of buying into the cultural line that if a woman is willing, why not?

They believe that "scoring" with women is what "makes them a man" (and even what women want), and they feel no obligation to offer more if they are not asked for more.

To hold out for love and commitment is difficult today. But it is vital and necessary.

Men and women are wired differently. It is easier for men to have sex and not fall in love than it is for women. The next day after the hookup, it is women who typically feel the pain of not being loved, who want more than they received from the man they gave themselves to so casually the night before.

The cycle of post-hookup leading to emotional insecurity (on her part) and avoidance of neediness (on his) is damaging to both genders.

It's time to speak up and out for less of that and more of the real thing! It's time to return to relationships built on shared values, emotional connection, real intimacy, and a common vision for a life together.

If you believe what I believe — that loving, lasting relationships are one of the greatest gifts in life — share this message.

If you understand that sex is a wonderful part of a loving, committed relationship, and that it is best when preserved for that kind of connection and for marriage, say so! Be the person who is different, who isn't afraid to hold out for more and to proudly tell others.

Read Nina's transformational books for women: "Temptations Of The Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid," and for men: "Date Like A CEO: Leadership In Life And Love For Men." To successfully date online, get Nina's $0.99 cent eBook "Internet Dating for the Savvy Single." Get loads of free advice at

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This article was originally published at Singles Coach. Reprinted with permission from the author.