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You can never be too busy for love.
By Melody Chadamoyo — Written on Oct 15, 2019
Keeping the love alive in a relationship when you're too busy can be tricky, but not impossible.
Now that it's autumn, everybody covers up to be warm so the temptation of the reveled bit of skin disappears. Thus, it's time to talk about keeping the fires of love burning in relationships.
I was talking to my client once and she said, "It's all good talking about being in love but how do I keep it alive?"
Have you ever thought about that? Are you one of those who had to demand to get a gift from your spouse or have you given up and resented those who have romantic partners who give them gifts of love?
Love, itself, is a gift so appreciating it would do wonders for you. After learning about love languages, I know people appreciate different ways of showing and receiving love.
Are you being swept up by the majority and the media of what unconditional love supposedly looks like, instead of knowing what your own love language and your spouse's love language is? Only then would you be able to clarify for them what you would appreciate most.
If you are feeling uncertain about whether your relationship will survive or not, if you're worried that if you do find love, it will only last a short while and then everything falls apart and you're left heartbroken and in pain ... don't worry!
There is plenty of relationship advice meant to help you create healthy relationships, even when your life is busier than ever.
Here are six ways to keep love alive in your relationship when life gets busy.
1. Choose the right match
This might sound too simplistic but this is like laying a good foundation. Start with the end in sight.
In other words, what are you creating? How do you envision that person being in your life? What do you do together? What feelings do they inspire in you? What are you willing to give to them?
How great do you feel when you're with him? How much do you love yourself? Do you look for both of you to win or is it important for you to always win?
It surprises me how many people haven't thought about this at all. I remember my dad's story of when he'd heard women who attended the Beijing Women's conference say that when you buy furniture for your home, you should keep a receipt so that when you get divorced, it's easy to divide stuff.
"What is the point, then, of starting a marriage with the intention of ending it?" he had asked.
Now that I know about the Law of Attraction, I know he was right. You can't create a lasting partnership as a couple if you prepare for its failure. This is going against the law.
Choosing the right match ensures you are on the right path and both of you want the same thing.
2. Understand what love is
So, what is love, exactly? Even though love is an emotion or a feeling, it also is a great many things in between.
What does love mean to you? Do you understand love with your head and your heart? Love is kind so what does it mean to you to be kind? How do you express your needs and how do you cater to your loved one's needs?
When my husband and I were going through our very rough patch, I continued being kind to him, even when I didn't think he deserved it.
For his part, he supported me by paying my college fees and looking after our baby to enable me to go to college. He was also kind to me so that when we finally healed our fractured connection, we easily reconnected without other resentments flaring up.
It is said that we treat the people we're closest to most appallingly and yet we're capable of being kinder to strangers. Wouldn't it be amazing if we treated everyone, especially those closest to us, with a loving kind of kindness?
Love is patient. Are you patient with the people you love? Do you catch yourself when you are expecting them to be like you or do things your way?
Being a parent has taught me a lot about patience. I have to allow my daughter to express herself in her own way and be who she is without me feeling the need to correct her or force her to do things my way.
Love teaches you to be patient. You wait to see how things are progressing, you wait to see how they really feel about you and if you rush things you might cause irreparable damage.
Love rejoices in the truth. Do you tell the truth of who you are and what you really need? Do you stop yourself from asking for what you need because you don't want to be too much trouble? Do you avoid telling your loved ones how you really feel when they call you by that nickname because you worry they won't love you anymore?
How else do you hide your true self? Is that your truth and is that how you love yourself? Do you tell them how much they mean to you or do you worry about inflating their ego and hold your tongue? If you do that, how will they ever know how you see them?
Really seeing someone is a gift and telling them you see greatness in them helps build their confidence and self-esteem. This helps them to love and appreciate you more. Truth with kindness is magical.
3. Negotiate your commitment
It's amazing how despite the fact that we know fairy tale endings don't exist, we insist on believing in them and living expecting our own happily ever after.
You don't just negotiate your marriage contract, it is necessary to negotiate your commitment too.
I am not talking about having a girlfriend agreement like Sheldon and Amy on "Big Bang Theory" but, rather, have conversations that help each of you understand how the other really feels and sees the world.
What does love mean to each of you as a couple? What does it mean to live together? Who is responsible for what?
When we first started living together, my husband Taurai just assumed he was the one responsible for providing money for us. I wanted to be an equal partner despite the fact that I might have earned much less than him at the time.
We had to negotiate that, and I assured him this didn't mean he couldn't provide for me but rather he was providing me with the gift of financial independence.
Don't sign up for what you don't understand because you might have signed up for slavery. Just because he isn't able to provide what you need doesn't mean you won't find someone else who is.
You are worthy of love and lovable. If you believe that, love will find you in many different ways.
4. Keep things interesting
Couples don't have to go bungee jumping to have a life of excitement in their relationship.
Make a commitment to do something fun with each other regularly. Most people think that fun and excitement in a committed relationship dies soon after conception or as soon as both spouses commit. This is just a story you tell yourself.
What does fun mean to you? What does excitement mean to you and your spouse? If your ideas of excitement are too different, this will become an issue in the future.
Some people blame children or age because, on some level, people believe relationships have to manage themselves. They go for training, career development, and retraining at work and yet never do anything to revive and up their skills in their relationship until it's about to die or is already dead.
Sometimes doing something like changing the side of the bed you sleep on or even dare to sleep naked can do wonders for you.
Scandalous, I know but maybe that's what you need. Challenge each other to try new things every few months and maybe go to a couples retreat. These activities will help you rediscover each other again.
5. Keep the sexual fires roaring
When life gets busy and people get tired, sex goes out of the window. Some people even say the best way to kill your sex life is to get married. How sad is that?
So many things have to line up for some people to feel turned on, including hormones, time, privacy, and just being in the mood. No wonder some people start having sex only for their birthdays, it is too complicated to organize.
How about if you take it as a sign of maintaining your well-being and giving your spouse the gift of love?
Sex is the only act that you do with one person to show them appreciation, love, connection, and desire. You can't leave it to hormones and schedules to make it happen. Make sure you have sex daily no matter what.
By the way, sex doesn't mean just intercourse. You have to get playful and creative to make it enjoyable.
6. Communicate
This means asking for what you need and being your authentic self. This is very helpful because your spouse will know what and how to provide for you. For example, do you ask for a hug when you need it?
At some point, I was working in a very stressful environment and I would get home and rant. Taurai would offer me a feel-good hug.
After a while when I needed it I would ask for it and he was always happy to provide. My daughter has also learned to ask for a feel-good hug and I have to stop myself in whatever I am doing to give her what she needs. I can only do that when she asks.
Many women don't ask for what they need sexually and they leave their satisfaction with the man. This is expecting too much because you might not want the same things everyday.
You are the expert on yourself and if not, is it not time to learn? How do you ask? Is it a demand or a request? If you're not already getting your needs met, take time to express them because if you don't your spouse will feel inadequate.
We communicate with our energy even when we don't say things out loud. The person who loves you will know you're holding back. (Remember how you complain that men don't say how they feel?)
Making them guess or saying "If he loves me, he would know" is just callous and cruel and it will not make your love last.
So there you have it.
If you choose the right match, understand what love means, negotiate your commitment, don't allow your relationship to get boring, and communicate your needs authentically and compassionately, then your love will continue to grow and flourish.
More for You:
Melody Chadamoyo is a certified Law of Attraction and Relationship Coach. If you’re ready to revive your love life but have no idea how, then reach out by booking an appointment.
This article was originally published at heartpassioninstitute.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.