The 5 Most Hilarious Ways To Get A Guy To Break Up With YOU

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Ways To Scare Him Off!

Face it, ladies. Sometimes we make mistakes. All of us do. And, it’s up to us to fix it. Here is a scenario for you:

You meet a guy at a bar. He is sooo into you. You can’t help but say ‘yes’. So you have a few drinks; then a few dates. Before you know it, he and his irritating Shi Tzu, Bob, are living on your couch. And you are thinking "Sh****t, how the heck did this happen?" You’re not even that into him!

Worse, as days or, God forbid, weeks go by, you start actually hating everything about this guy.

You hate his bushy beard; you hate the way he holds his fork. Your discussions stay in the realm of the weather and laundry. And ugh, that dog of his, with its overly exaggerated under-bite, chewed up two pairs of your favorite designer shoes and is currently working on doing the same to your coffee table.

Yet, you're not a mean person and the thought of a confrontation with this guy increasingly makes you ill.

Don’t fret. There are a number of ways you can ever-so-gently push him out the door without having to actually say the words. Here are five time-proven methods for scaring a guy off FAST: 

1. Start talking about wanting children. 

Lots and lots of children. Tell him that since it’s been two whole months since you’ve been together, it’s time to talk about starting a family ... a LARGE family. Make sure this conversation happens often and in-depth. Explain how, ever since you were a little girl, you’ve dreamt of having at least seven kids, hopefully more. 

You can start by having about four of your own, in annual succession, and then adopt the rest from some third-world country. How does Malawi sound?

2. Start crying during sex. 

I’m not talking about a silent tear or two. I’m talking about a full-on hysteria. You can tell him that sex with him is "SO beautiful" that you can’t help crying. If that doesn’t work the first few times, start the hysterics early — during foreplay or even as you undress.

3. Tell him you want to know everything about him


You'd like to start by meeting his ex-girlfriends. Yes, as many as geographically possible — you can Skype with the rest. You would also like to speak with members of his family: parents, siblings, everyone. You wish to really get to know him; all of him down to the birthmarks on his behind.

4. Pack your medicine cabinet with various vaginal creams and gels. 

Make sure he sees you reaching for them before and after sex. When questioned, become dismissive and matter-of fact — what’s the big deal about a vaginosis cream? Doesn’t everyone use it?

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5. Throw a tantrum.

Or better yet, a few dozen tantrums in rapid succession ... preferably in public.

He wore a pair of pants you don’t like? Start screaming about how much you can’t stand light-wash jeans. Maybe tear them up in anger, just to prove your point.

He mentioned that he liked the rain? Burst into violent tears and throw a glass or two against the wall to demonstrate how angry a rainy day makes you. He wants to take the car to the mechanic? Throw the car-keys out the window and shriek about how much you hate that car. 

If these outbursts don’t scare him, they are certain to terrify his dog Bob, at least. Note: violent tantrums work best when you completely discount them afterward. Smile, laugh and go about your day calmly as if nothing happened.

Ladies, remember, if one of these methods doesn't work in isolation, try as many of them combined as possible. When used properly, your guy and his dog will be gone by the end of the week.  

However, if, for some bizarre reason, he still insists on staying, break out the big guns. Tell him Mom is coming to stay for a while. Only for five or six months.

And she’s bringing her giant dog, Psycho, with her. He is very protective of her and goes everywhere she does. Other than his strange gas condition, Psycho's harmless, mostly. They won't be a bother. Plenty of room on the couch!