When You Start "Missing" Your Narcissistic Ex, Remember This

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Heartbreak

Do you have a narcissistic ex who won't leave you alone?

Do you find yourself thinking, "I need help to not respond to their texts and phone calls! But, I also miss them!"

Then, it all comes flooding back — the shared memories, the feeling of heart fluttering in the beginning, and the deep longing for what was

You desire to have those times back.

"Maybe he's changed." You're lying to yourself.

RELATED: 8 Smart, Simple Steps For How To Deal With A Narcissist

How do you stop missing a narcissistic ex?

People who attract narcissists have lax boundaries. They empathize past what's healthy and eroticize being with someone who's wounded and in pain.

Narcissists are attracted to those who are codependent and don’t speak up to ask for what they want.

They think that "over the top" chemistry is love — but it isn’t.

People who have had a narcissistic parent have been conditioned to think that their "grandiose" self is normal and makes them confident. It's not, but the brain thinks it is and confuses them.

Certain people attract narcissists because they haven’t dealt with their own trauma.

They are seeking to heal it outwardly by "being there for someone else who is wounded."

When I hear women who have found the strength to break free from a narcissistic partner, what I hear is a lot of longing, desperation, and “missing him.”

They've conveniently blocked out the awful stuff.

This is exactly why you got into a relationship with a narcissist in the beginning.

You're subconsciously looking for "normalized abuse." And when you're free from it, you have withdrawal symptoms.

You're not dealing with your own issues. You abandoned yourself for them and you're avoiding getting back to you.

The person you're really missing is yourself.

You confuse this as "missing the narcissist" by focusing on the "good times."

The good times were never really authentic. This was planned — either consciously or subconsciously — to hook you and keep you hooked. You're missing the point.

You left because of the bad times. You're not reminding yourself of why you left. You’re pining over times when they were giving you a "high" that you secretly desired, as if you "won" the lottery with them.

Then, they hit you hard with many covert tactics and you conveniently forget those once in the past.

Don't set yourself up to be with another narcissist.

You’re setting yourself up to be with another narcissist as soon as one comes along — you’ll be high on that feeling again.

When you "long" for something that hard, you’ll attract it back to you again... Until you get it!

That intense desire you have for someone to "love" you the way you deeply need is a reflection your wounds. It's not true love.

Focus on why you broke up. 

Stop longing for something unhealthy that you've eroticized. Focus on why you left them, especially when your mind is reminding you of the "good times."

Realize the good times are not "real love." What you see when it was abusive, diminishing, hurtful, or betraying is also part of the equation — a major part.

It’s like eating too much pizza because it tastes yummy while knowing you'll end up in the hospital later on in agony. It’s self-abuse — like taking drugs!

RELATED: 5 Forms Of Narcissistic Abuse That Narcissists Use To Get Inside Your Head

Going back to a narcissist is an addiction.

When you stop hooking yourself on "fake" happiness and "toxic love" and start giving yourself that love, you won’t feel that "longing" for what only gets you the same as what you're currently going through withdrawals from.

Stop hooking yourself on someone’s wounded heart and fake self-confidence. Stop hooking yourself on their words, and instead pay attention to the entire picture.

This is blunt and it’s also something that needs pondering before you text them back, return their call, meet them as "friends," or see them for "closure."

Those are all excuses to "get a hit off heroin" — just a tiny bit. Only to notice again, they will use it against you. You ran into the concrete wall again because you weren’t paying attention again!

It’s tough love.

"Just this once," you say. "Then I’ll stop. I promise."

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When you’re high off them, you don’t question it — only to do it again and then wonder why.

Is this repetition annoying you? Because this is exactly what others see, and you don’t.

You see, I’ve been there — hitting the pothole again and thinking I’ll miss it next time, only to hit it again on another road. I still wasn't "paying attention."

I know that longing that I so desperately wanted to experience in this lifetime. To finally have the feeling that I was deeply and truly loved.

I subconsciously have blinders on, and they would slip back over my eyes as soon as my subconscious mind found another target.

It happens before we even can catch it. That feeling of familiarity and comfort we have with this new person. I feel like I’ve known them forever.

Yes, I did know them. A different name, different body, different likes, and yet, still that same person. The one who could never find true value in me.

And I wanted to continue to chase that, hoping to have that longing satisfied — finally!

Love yourself first and foremost.

It's time to deal with your addiction to narcissists.

Stop drinking up the poison because it tastes good. Love thyself!

I now understand and feel repulsed by this and I don’t have a longing anymore. I’m happy being me and loving myself, especially when I think I need someone to satisfy my need to be loved.

Those times, I need to step up on loving myself.

When a man comes along, I need nothing other than to chat and have fun.

Genuine love will develop over time, and not be some drug-like effect coming over me that I can’t stop, or that won’t stop.

Either way, I’m happy!

RELATED: How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist

Lisa Hawkins is a certified life coach, certified cognitive-behavioral therapy coach, and a dating and relationship coach. She has 26 years of experience in personal growth and development, psychology, and human behavior with an emphasis on relationships, which includes the most important one: with yourself. For more information, visit her website.

This article was originally published at Elephant Journal . Reprinted with permission from the author.