Family, Sex

The Painful Truth: How Parents Enable Their Kids To Be Bullies

Photo: Budimir Jevtic / Shutterstock
mom disciplining son

No one likes to be bullied. Yet in many ways it's a daily activity for all of us, as you soon shall see. Sexual bullying is simply an extension of generalized bullying, but it is a behavior focused upon "perceived" sexual conduct. 

Part of that erroneous perception is evidenced by studies like one released in the August journal of Women’s Health Issues. "Sexually active girls have 2.27 times the odds of being bullied compared to boys who are also sexually active," states Hailee Dunn, the manager of the Center for Evidence-Based Medicine and lead author of the study.

It sounds like a warning for young girls, but it is far more than that. For all forms of bullying, for adults and especially children, there is an easy solution that does not require learning how to implement new skills. 

That solution is at the root of our human nature. Raising awareness of our inherent and genetic differences is the critical first step to end bullying. Miss this understanding and all the tools and skills we have remain more exercises than solutions. My promise to you is that you will have this solution in hand before the end of this article.

What is Bullying exactly? defines Bullying as an "Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity — to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people. Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once."

Bullying shows up in many forms:

  • Verbal behaviors such as name-calling, teasing, taunting, judgments, and verbal threats.
  • Social Bullying like purposeful exclusion, spreading rumors, telling kids not to be friends with others, and public embarrassment.
  • Physical Bullying such as hitting, kicking or pinching, spitting, tripping or pushing, taking or breaking someone possessions, and mean and rude gestures.

We think of bullying as being a problem that our children encounter as they grow up. Yet, as adults, one or more of these behaviors could be a daily occurrence.

For example, someone drives into your lane on the freeway. You honk your horn. They flip you off. You return the sentiment. Then not-so-creative verbal assaults follow! Oops, did you forget that your kids were in the car? Little Johnny or Jane conclude; "This means it must be OK to retaliate if someone gets in their way in the hallway at school."

Another example: At work a manager evaluates your production publicly with little sensitivity to your efforts. The embarrassment festers within, combined with not-so-kind thoughts about your boss—thoughts, which are shared at home as a way of venting frustration. Our young children, who overhear the conversation, have no way of knowing that you don't really want to kill your boss. They think, "Perhaps a form of violence is OK if I'm made fun of at school or my teacher displays my best efforts in a demeaning way in front of my classmates."

Or imagine this scenarios: You are in a crowded restaurant. It's been a tough day and your calm collective self did not come into the bar with you. Someone shoves you or steps on your new shoes. A physical battle ensues. You come home with a scuffed shoe, a scratch or black eye. Our kids conclude; "Stuff like that happens to my parents. It must be OK for me too!"

Now let's add in sexuality. You're a woman enjoying a conversation with friends. You meet a new guy and are very interested in him as a friend or peer, but NOT sexually. He misses the "not sexually" part and makes an advance. You decline and he scurries off. Your friends accuse you of being a flirt. This is not the first time this has happened and despite your good intentions, you are misunderstood and thus labeled. A thought goes through your head, "Perhaps it's true."

At school your daughter is having a similar issue. Although sexually experienced for her age, you have taught her how to be responsible. Some of the boys at school don't see it that way and bully her, attempting to make her a sexually promiscuous outcast. One of the boys is the son of the man you turned down the night before. Like father, like son!

Now, let's tone it down to more everyday behavior: A couple you met at a party has called numerous times to invite you and your husband to have dinner with them. They were nice enough folks but you don't want to spend an evening together. You always have an excuse when they ask. Your kids are witness to you telling white lies to get out of a meeting. They may have heard a conversation between you and your partner that went like, "OMG, again, how do we get them to stop calling us? The next time we go to a party, lets make sure they are not there." Your 12 year-old is certain this sounds like an acceptable form of exclusion. He is having a similar problem at school with a kid he befriended, but he doesn't really want to play with. He now knows its OK to ask his other friends not to include the undesired child in their activities.

The key here is to not get into judgment about whether any of these actions or beliefs is right or wrong.  The reality is they happen TO ALL OF US.  But as adults, we have options our children do not.  In a classroom or a fenced in playground children have no escape from another child’s presence. They don’t get to pick where they work or the nightclub they go to, what lane they drive in or who to see or not see.

Yet children experience the same exact thing we experience as adults. Some people they feel connected to and they enjoy their company, and others they don't. Some people they have chemistry with (non-sexual and sexual) and strong desires to hang out with, and with others they feel nothing.   

At the core of our desire to connect with someone is an energetic connection that is easily identifiable. This is not the only reason we want to hang with someone. But it is ultimately the most powerful influence.

We have all met people we instantly like and enjoy spending time with. We are energized, creative, attentive and playful in their company. We have also met people that for no explainable reason we are not comfortable around and who wear us down. They put us to sleep, or we put them to sleep. As soon as we leave their company our energy returns. This is scientifically called an energetic mismatch.

As adults we can easily choose to keep our distance or withhold our friendship. But with children in a school situation if one child wants to connect with another who is not interested, the one that is not interested has no easy way to decline friendship.

What do they do? They emulate their parents and other adults they look up to! That emulation ranges from avoidance and tiny white lies to outright cruelty and abuse. Consider the separated home where the ex's are bitter enemies. Ouch!

The easiest way to end bullying is to show our kids "what" they are energetically, and that if there is someone they don't care to be around, it is not because the kids is bad, broken or unworthy of friendship. It is because they are energetically different. They are not supposed to, nor required to love and want to hang out with everybody. None of us are, yet our kids are often forced to behave as model citizens with total kindness, empathy and understanding for everyone. If they don't, they are considered trouble. Unlike their adult models, they have no way out. 

Do you see the issue here? We demand optimum behavior with no awareness or admission of differences. We might as well put all our kids in a hospital and transfuse them with one blood type for all. Those that match will be fine. Those that get sick and have difficulty staying alive; we will give them a few good skills to deal with it. Let's see how they do. Our intentions may be good but the tactic is sadly disastrous.

Bullying can be averted. The most effective means I have seen begins with a free profile offered by This information literally changes the playground for kids and the playing field for adults. When children know this about themselves and others most forms of bullying come to a quick end.

Sexual bullying is also fueled by an energetic core influence. Genetically, people are one of two Sexual Response Types. One of these types is called Mental/Emotional and this persons sexually energy is on the surface. People can see it and feel it. It adds extra energy to their being. It also confuses boys, girls and adults because they think that a boy is not tough enough or a girl is flirting when actually they are simply curious about who someone is.

Kids accuse these children of being promiscuous and naughty. Parents join in, tarnishing their children with derogatory labels, when the child is not doing anything to earn the branding. Adult women have grown up with this experience of being misunderstood. Thus they try to hide their sexuality with layers of clothing and conservative outfits. It doesn't work. A Mental/Emotional person's sexual energy can be seen and felt despite their efforts to cloak themself.

The other genetic energetic Sexual Response Type is called Physical. There are an equal number of females as there are males with this energetic characteristic. Their sexual energy is held inside, and remains under the surface for the right partner who energetically matches them. Both young girls and grown women with this  Sexual Response Type will overcompensate for this less noticeable energetic by wearing very revealing clothes. They do this to compete with Mental/Emotional females who otherwise get all the attention.

When we take this knowledge into the school we foster an understanding that precludes a derogatory label. Girls (and boys) know they are not flirts or acting inappropriately. Boys and girls begin to see their classmates for who and what they are rather than as sexual objects. Perhaps as kids get better at this, so will their parents. And, perhaps the "perceived" double standard that the study in Women's Health Issues reported can be examined with greater accuracy and compassion.

Bullying is a real concern for our children and adults. There are going to be people in our lives that we choose not to spend time with, work with or communicate with. This is both a natural and an energetic decisions that is as influential as choosing the correct blood type. Knowing what we are energetically is as important as being aware of our differences in heritage, religions, physical aptitude and academic achievement. We must be aware of why we make our choices so we can live peacefully and joyfully. There is no better time than the present.

About the Author:  Larry Michel, AKA The Love Shepherd, is the Founder of the School of Genetic Energetics and the CEO of For nearly 40 years MatchMatrix has been delivering an understanding into our unique energetics so that people can learn to effectively identify and accommodate for differences, plus embrace their own unique characteristics. The results are saved relationships, successful dating, dramatically enhanced performance in business and education, and a beginning to an end to many forms of bullying.