Why All Your Exes Come Crawling Back At The Same Time

Why do your exes choose the worst times to show up?

By Dr. Kate Balestrieri — Last updated on Dec 22, 2022

Photo: Eugenio Marongiu

woman on the phone surrounded by all of her exes who are coming back at the same time

When it rains, it pours! Life is just that way sometimes.

The endless cycle of scarcity and abundance is always in play. You could be in a dating desert for a long time, and then out of the blue you meet one new person, and a slew of suitors flood the gates.

Or, you could wind up suddenly hearing from all of your exes at the same time!

When you think you have no prospects or it’s been a hot minute since you’ve been in the dating game, it can affect your self-esteem in big and little ways. That impacts the vibe you give off to others.

So, when you finally kindle a spark with someone new, the little oasis can give your confidence a boost that is apt to make you more open and enthusiastic.

Those good vibes are contagious and create an air of approachability that makes your milkshake even more irresistible.

Plus, open eyes take in more light. When you start getting positive feedback and drop your defenses a tinge, people you may not have noticed before start landing on your radar.

This may make it seem like there is suddenly an unprecedented abundance of people who are interested in you when, in fact, they may simply have been in your periphery for a while.

But why are all of my exes coming back at the same time?

It makes sense that a flurry of new people would flock to you all at once, but this doesn’t fully explain the phenomenon of why your exes seem to pop back into your life at the same time.

Are they all in cahoots? Is there a scheduling app that only exes can subscribe to?

Both are wildly unlikely, thankfully. Can you imagine a convention of all your exes? No, thank you!

While there's not a ton of research on this topic, a few hunches about why this occurs come to mind.

Three possible reasons why your exes come back all at once.

1. You are awesome, nonchalant, just doing you — and people notice.

Remember those good vibes? Your everyday energy shows up in your nonverbal language, the tone of your voice, and how you interact with friends, both on social media and at work.

People (exes) notice and get wind of it, become curious, and then reach out to see if there may be any good energy there to share.

As your mood ebbs and flows, so does the wave of lovers past.

2. Nostalgic moments make people want to connect.

An old flame can sometimes be stoked more easily than a new one.

Holidays, birthdays, or cultural events are springboards for exes to reach out to, especially if you were "the one who got away" or there was no definitive closure in the relationship.

This can be especially true if you're dating someone new or were the person who ended things. People tend to want what and who they can’t have.

So, you may have a few old flames carrying torches for you at any given time, waiting for an excuse to test the waters.

3. You pick people with similar traits.

Astrologers may say that Mercury in retrograde creates a context for unfinished business to circle back into your purview. While that’s a different topic for different experts, what resonates psychologically is the reality that your nervous system is primed to help you seek out opportunities to heal what hurt you before.

This means you're likely to pick partners with similar psychological or relational characteristics and psychodramas.