How To Get Your Ex Back After Breaking Up (Without Looking Desperate)

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How To Get Your Ex Back After Breaking Up (Without Looking Desperate)
Heartbreak

Don't lose sight of yourself in the process.

If you're a woman thinking about how to get your ex back, you've likely taken the "desperate times call for desperate measures" approach, causing you to do all kinds of unfortunate things including "the walk of shame" and the dreaded "drunk dial."

These unflattering behaviors are hardly what to do after a breakup. Your antics make you look like a doormat, and will ultimately push him away.

I know how excruciating it feels when you still love him after your relationship ends.

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I've been that desperate woman who has tried getting back with an ex. What I remember most is feeling so insecure during the process and downright embarrassed about some of the things I did in my efforts to prove why they should come back to me.

But then, a harsh wake-up call came and changed me for the better.

I experienced some big setbacks, including a breakup with a man I loved dearly. I was genuinely devastated, and deep inside sensed that our relationship wasn't fully over.

The other setbacks were the catalyst for me learning how to love myself. The more I loved myself, the less I felt compelled to behave in desperate ways to get him back.

My approach wasn't about whether or not he would actually come back. Instead, it was about having an inner-knowing that he would come back if and when he wanted to, while at the same time knowing that I would actually be fine if he didn't.

I followed this six-step approach that led him back to me. And they are key to figuring out how to make him want you again and get him back for good.

1. Don't disagree with why things ended.

The truth is, you broke up for valid reasons. If he mentions those reasons, don't dispute them.

Have the courage to hear the truth in what he's saying, acknowledge it and apologize for it. It's better to be happy and loved than to be right about everything.

Wanting to be right, versus hearing the truth of how he felt while in a relationship with you, is your ego stepping in and overshadowing your soul's desire to be happy and loved.

2. Don't try to convince him to come back.

Trying to convince your ex why he should come back just pushes him further away. It reinforces why he's better off without you because you appear needy and desperate and like you haven't heard anything he's tried to communicate.

Needy and desperate are traits that will kill any attraction any man may have for you. Men are drawn to women who are happy with themselves. So, be happy, live your life and let your radiant energy shine, causing him to second guess why you're not together.

Remember: you are a prize, so treat yourself like one. You should never have to convince him to be with you.

3. Take responsibility for your role in the breakup.

Hard to admit, but true: in every breakup you've experienced, you were the common denominator. Instead of blaming him exclusively for what happened, look within and determine how you contributed to the demise of your relationship.

For instance, do you tend to question your exes about their whereabouts because you have a hard time trusting them? If so, those are your trust issues to address and fix, not his to magically resolve.

Do the inner work to learn how to trust your own judgment so you can be more trusting. That way, if he does come back, this issue won't resurface again and contribute to another breakup.

RELATED: 7 Questions To Ask Your Ex Before Getting Back Together

4. Let him come to you.

A man places a higher value on what he has to work for. When you miss your ex, don't make it easy for him. Instead of calling him during a weak moment, call a supportive friend instead.

The space created during your breakup lets him actually see if he misses you. Let him wonder what you're doing. He will begin to contact you because he wants to see you, wants a booty call or misses you.

When he reaches out, respond warmly but appropriately until you know what his intentions and motivations are. Avoid sleeping with him until the issues that led to the breakup are resolved.

5. Put yourself first.

Treating your life like it's important and of value is attractive. So, put yourself first and do what's best for you.

When your man comes back to you, don't just pick up where the relationship left off. He'll have more of an incentive to truly resolve the issues that led to the breakup because he wants you back.

Now is the time to address and work through these issues. Don't let him convince you that the problem was yours. Even if the problem started with you, the way he responded or didn't respond made things worse.

Do the work to resolve these issues without letting him know you're doing the work because he won't believe it until he experiences the changes. Just do the work and see how he responds.

If he responds positively, you're moving in the right direction. If he continues the behavior that contributed to your breakup, then you don't want him back.

6. Hold a clear and positive vision.

Be clear about how you want your relationship to be this time around. Then behave and act in ways that support your vision and make you feel good about yourself. Let things unfold naturally and stay open to the outcome.

If you find yourself becoming obsessed with getting your ex back, relax and trust that things will work out for your greater good.

If he doesn't come back, understand that there may be someone else who is better for you.

Remember: this man is not worth getting back with if he uses you, is a freeloader, is verbally, physically and/or emotionally abusive towards you, influences you to do things that are immoral, unethical or illegal, has substance abuse problems, blames others and never takes responsibility for himself, cheats, lies or can't be trusted.

However things turn out with this man, you will be fine. If he comes back, you'll have a more loving and fulfilling relationship. You'll have set a higher standard for how he loves and treats you.

And if he doesn't come back, you are a stronger and better version of yourself. You will attract a man who is better for you. In either case, you will have a more loving relationship with yourself.

RELATED: How To Get Your Ex Back (The Right Way)

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Janet Ong Zimmerman is dating and relationship coach who helps successful women cultivate love with ease and clarity. Visit her website for more.