People Who Keep Their Relationship Secret Usually Have These 11 Valid Reasons
A private relationship allows couples to put their connection first.
bbernard | Shutterstock There's a euphoria that fills a person up when they first start dating someone. The fun and excitement of entering a new relationship that makes us want to shout it from the rooftops for all to hear, and it feels really good! But sometimes, sharing the news widely isn't a good idea, and there are many valid reasons people who keep their relationship secret usually have.
Instead, we should keep the rooftop-shouting only within the range of our closest friends and family members before we broadcast it for the world to see. Stacie Ikka, a dating coach and relationship consultant, advised that there are times when it's smart to hold off on announcing who you're dating, especially in your online circles.
Here are 11 valid reasons people who keep their relationship secretly usually have
1. They receive a lot of unwanted attention
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Some people see a "single" status on social media as an invitation to be in contact, overtly flirt, or even harass someone. When people receive feedback from family members or even strangers on the internet, they should consider leaving their relationship status blank.
Sometimes, other singles, and even people who are in relationships already, prey on women who announce that they are on the market. So, according to Ikka, "If you are single and not necessarily looking to use social media as a dating site and simply selected that status because you thought that all fields in your profile needed to be filled out, beware."
2. They don't want other people to interfere
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One of the most valid reasons people who keep their relationship secret usually have is that they simply don't want other people, friend or stranger, getting involved in their dating life, potentially causing the relationship to fail.
And it's for good reason because, as research from Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found, people who have dark personality traits, or the dark triad — Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy — are more likely to interfere in another person's romantic relationships.
"Moving from a casual to a committed relationship can often be tricky, and opening up that relationship to an online audience, which is presumably broader than one's immediate social circle, opens the relationship up to commentary, some of which could be damaging, especially if the relationship is new," Ikka advised.
New couples should consider keeping their status quiet for a certain amount of time or until they both feel secure in their relationship. They may also want to consider updating their status without sharing it widely through their newsfeed.
3. They're trying to ease some pressure
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It's a lot of pressure for new couples to deal with. From expectations from family and friends, to putting the work in to make sure the relationship survives the honeymoon phase, it can feel overwhelming. Ikka advised that couples should discuss whether or not to "announce" their relationship publicly, first taking the time to weigh whether it will put unnecessary pressure on them.
She continued, "Even if it was a joint decision, it exposes the relationship to scrutiny, observations, and involvement that is not necessarily appropriate during the early phases of a relationship, where the focus should really be on whether attraction, compatibility, common values, and shared interests will survive the long-term."
4. They want an easier breakup
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Sometimes, both partners in a relationship may be thinking ahead, and don't consider their relationship to be something that will last long-term. Considering the average breakup takes approximately 12 weeks, according to a study from the Journal of Positive Psychology, the process can be long and drawn-out, which is something people obviously want to avoid.
Splitting up can become more complicated if friends on social media can see a couple's status. And changing a status from "in a relationship" to "single" or even "it's complicated" can draw attention right in the middle of that pain.
5. They're tired of people judging their love life
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There's nothing worse than people judging your relationship, whether it works out or not. And wanting to avoid that judgment is one of the common valid reasons people who keep their relationship secretly usually have. Social media is a loudspeaker, not a diary, and everyone in a couple's inner and outer social circles may want to give their own two cents about the situation. But none of them really know what's going on.
"If you are the type of social media user who updates your relationship status on a regular basis, and that status is changing with a frequency that others may deem abnormal, you are opening yourself up to judgment, ridicule, and the potential for losing credibility amongst your network," Ikka warned. "So, if you are sensitive to other people's opinions, think carefully before changing your status and ask yourself why you're doing it."
6. They're susceptible to peer pressure
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In many relationships, one person is more guarded about their personal life and details. The other person may be more forthcoming and therefore have no issue with listing their relationship status online. But the problem arises when the more private individual feels pressure to change their status for fear of not appearing loyal or committed to their partner.
Resentment can build and the private person may let that spill over into real-life interactions with their partner. This can become a sign of bigger problems. But couples can avoid the conflict between privacy and transparency by discussing their boundaries, even if that means keeping the relationship offline for good.
7. They don't want to antagonize an ex
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When a couple begins a new relationship, one or both partners may still have some connection to their ex, whether it's friendly or hostile. People tend to stalk their ex-partner on social media, with research from the University of Western Ontario determining that around 88% of people tend to check in on their exes online. So, it's probably best to avoid posting about the relationship online if this is a worry.
"Although nosy exes always have their offline ways of determining your relationship status, putting your relationship status online — especially if you are naming the person you're in the relationship with — may prompt them to attempt to sabotage or disrupt your new relationship," Ikka said.
8. Their parents are overbearing
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People who grew up with overbearing parents understand the struggles it can cause in their relationships. This can affect their attachment style, ability to express emotions, and prevent the ability to set boundaries — all of which sabotage a new connection. While 64% of people have exhibited self-sabotaging behaviors, growing up with controlling parents makes them more likely to let this behavior ruin their relationships.
Couples who post about their relationship online may be giving their parents "false hope," where they may become overly involved in the relationship unnecessarily. But even if the relationship isn't being posted online, they will surely find out, as word probably travels fast through friends and family.
9. They would rather not explain complicated circumstances
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Although it might be tempting to select the "it's complicated" relationship status, couples probably shouldn't even bother. According to Ikka, "You are professing to the world that you are in a relationship that is not completely fulfilling you and that you are settling. You are opening yourself up to unnecessary judgment, loss of credibility, perhaps pity, and vulnerability."
All relationships are complicated to a degree. But that doesn't mean couples should air their dirty laundry for all to see. When couples are going through ups and downs, or even experiencing a breakup, they may also be tempted to post something online.
But psychotherapist Amy Morin advises against this, saying, "Just because a couple is separated doesn't mean they can't honor one another's boundaries or the new boundaries they've created as a couple... Privacy may help them avoid unsolicited advice or pressure to put a label on their relationship."
10. They don't believe relationships should be an open book
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Couples may want to avoid talking about their relationship online, especially if their connection isn't traditional or monogamous. As Ikka said, "People will naturally jump to conclusions. For example, they may believe you have commitment issues or whatever else this status conjures up in their imaginative minds."
But wanting to keep things private is another of the valid reasons people who keep their relationship secretly usually have. They don't have to be responsible for other people's concerns, criticisms, or assumptions. And if they do have a tendency to get wrapped up in the opinions of others, they should consider educating and informing others about it in ways outside of social networks.
11. Their social media profiles are for professional use
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Many social media platforms, like Instagram, Twitter or Facebook, are professional networking tools, avenues for job-hunting, or a way to stay in touch with clients. Many companies also use social media to check up on their employees or to survey someone's social presence before a job interview.
"If you are using social media for business purposes or suspect your personal information could get back to your employers or associates, couples may want to keep their page purely professional. This includes keeping your relationship status hidden," Ikka cautioned.
Kelly Rouba is an author, accomplished journalist, public speaker, and PR professional. She has been featured in numerous print and online publications, and has appeared on WZBN News, Perspective New Jersey, and Disaboom Radio.
