5 Uncomfortable Truths Behind Why Women Walk Away After A Few Dates
Let her know you are worth her time.
Getty Images | Unsplash Attraction is why she went on the first and second dates. Interest is why she said yes to the third. When something happens to turn her off, she moves on. It takes approximately three different kinds of romantic encounters for her to be sure you are the one.
Let’s be fair. Most women want someone just right for them at that time and evaluate their date accordingly. For one, it’s a companion, for another, it’s a weekend someone, but many are looking for a life partner. In every case, she has a mental checklist of the one she wants to spend her time with. You must meet these qualifications, or you are out the door.
Here are 5 uncomfortable truths behind why women walk away after a few dates:
1. You don’t come across as genuinely interested
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
On the third date, she notices if you listen attentively, compliment her, and if you are appropriately tender when she tells a sad story. You escalate substantially in her esteem when you acknowledge her feelings and ideas.
She also wants to know if you are into her. You can do this by making special arrangements for at least one of the dates, as shown in a 2024 study of the influence of the setting or place on the success of a date. Other ways to show her you are interested are remembering details about her life and work, and sharing your deeper and truer self, as well as your vulnerabilities. Making her laugh may be the most memorable part of this date. Drifting attention, obvious boredom, and overfocus on your phone all say, “disaster.”
2. You trigger a red flag
Bobex-73 via Shutterstock
You may not deal well with stress, but your harsh response to the guy at the take-out window, quick defensiveness, and angry overreaction in traffic have caused her to do a double-take. She now evaluates you with a microscope, worries that you are not safe to be with, and her insides scream “No, no no.”
3. You overshare before trust is built
Nicoleta Ionescu via Shutterstock
This is the date when there is more freedom to reveal your history and who you are. The Journal of Personality and Individual Differences explained how "men’s authenticity predicted women’s relationship behaviors, but women’s dispositional authenticity was not associated with men’s relationship behaviors." She will ask some questions, and you will let your guard down, but be careful not to reveal too much too quickly.
By all means, be authentic, but think carefully about how you frame your childhood trauma or the worst parts of your life story. Be prepared that your whole truth may be the reason there is no fourth date.
4. You come off as subtly disrespectful
fizkes via Shutterstock
Although she is not a damsel in distress, your date is impressed by generosity, kindness, and, at the very least, politeness and impeccable manners. Therefore, her eyes are wide open when you step ahead through the door, don’t leave a tip, or are condescending to customer service workers.
She has visions of future embarrassment in public settings and especially around family and friends. Consider bringing a small thoughtful gift, say please and thank you to everyone, and apologize for the unexpected faux pas.
5. You fail to read the room
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
Flirting is a must by the third date, and if you navigate the conversation tastefully, she will be in tandem, and sometimes the instigator, as suggested by a 2011 study of how personal control increases women's direct relationship initiation. Don’t misunderstand this and expect her to maintain a lead in all things intimate. Read the eyes, touch, and all body language to stay in sync.
Accept this date may end with a passionate kiss, a lingering embrace, or a meaningful moment, and there is no pressure to go beyond your immediate and mutual comfort.
She has already perused the question of intimacy in her mind, and though you may have engaged affectionately, it is important to ask the question and know for certain she is ready for the next step. You have a toothbrush in your back pocket, but allow her to say yes, and when. Don’t let pressure and nervousness steal the date.
The three-date cycle and how to measure up
Her dating and relationship checklist is informed by the norms of her culture or peer group. It reflects some fundamental differences for women and is also a result of an unconscious mental file she has had for a long time. But the checklist is certain, and it is there to stay.
On the first date, she is nervous and a bit awkward but very curious. Though you have had several conversations by text or phone, it can feel like an interview for both of you. Her list at this stage is mostly superficial.
She might say check, check, check, but will also notice if you are slow to pay the tab and instinctively place you just below her watermark. Yet, when you surprise her with a story about saving a dog or a recent promotion, she says yes to a second date.
You made it to the second date! (Now what?)
The positive experiences of the first date are fodder for her warmth on the second. So she is relaxed and ready to have a good time, whether sipping cocktails, hiking a hillside, or enjoying a picnic in the park. She is aware of chemistry and pheromones and looks for clues that you are compatible, will share the chores, and someday be a good parent. With all going well, everything points to a yes for the third date.
By now, you have been texting, calling, and have begun to know each other quite well. But don't misunderstand your comfort for a done deal because the third date is when the level of scrutiny goes up. You have no way of knowing if she is on the fence or on the way to the door. What you do know is that you have a third time together to influence the relationship potential.
The big question in a woman’s mind is “Are they worth the investment in time? Do I move forward or start over with someone new?” She weighs the cost and benefit, and until she is committed, she is fickle.
Reta Walker is a relationship therapist with over 25 years of experience, specializing in helping couples get back on track.
